and so the divorce begins

poppyscorner

hi all,

havent stopped by in a little while but i came here for advice initially so thought i could get some more now.

Right hubby walked out 17th June saying he didnt love me didnt want family life blah blah blah it was my suspition (sp?) was that a girl he went to school with who he had got back in touch with 2 weeks earlier on facebook of all places was involved in that decision and that was based on the fact that he had already done that to me once before and I could have scripted what he said.

Despite that I didnt really react to it tbh I was giving him access to our two kids aged 5yrs and 1yr at the weekend and wednesday nights and he offered to come to my house and look after the kids so I could go out and chill on a saturday night then I found out that he has been going through my things when he has been here he quizzes me constantly about who I am sleeping with (no one by the way) he gave his slapper my house phone number and I am plagued by silent calls now from a witheld number and I came to the decision that as I cant even trust him to respect my home and my space when he doesnt live here then actually I would rather stay in with the kids and stopped the babysitting thing I sat down with him about a week and a half ago and said that I didnt care who he was with or what he was doing I just wanted him to be there for our kids and I asked him if he would share custody of the kids with me. He said he would and this is largely dependant on him getting his own place (hes at mums atm sleeping on a zed bed) he had excuses for that and asked me what was going to happen when he moves in with her (the slapper) I said that should be a long way off really and atm the kids are going through enough without having her and her 3 kids brought into their lives and I asked that he respect my decision on that he smirked at me.

He was meant to be having DS1 two days later for a full day as I was supposed to have a meeting at uni the morning before he was meant to have him he text me and said he wasnt coming for DS1 as he had been invited to her house and she had planned a night out for them I rang him and basically had a go at him and told him what I thought of that he said his mum would have DS1 I said it wasnt good enough he was expecting dad not grandma he doesnt get why this would upset DS and said it was tough and not his problem I told him if he missed contact he need'nt bother coming back at all because I felt its one thing to get at me and quite another to do that to the kids. So he hasnt seen them since then DS1 is very upset by it and I just feel awful.

I have consulted a solicitor about getting divorced and we have discussed the kids but if he is going to see them then I think it needs to be more structured and formal than it has been but sol just says its best to sort between yourselves.
My ex has the house phone bill in his name and also the sky tv, I have asked him to change these but he hasnt bothered its a game I think and the providers will not speak to me about it and I want my home telephone number changed to prevent whoever is calling me from doing so.
He agreed to pay maintainance into the bank but is now being funny about that aswell he txt me to say he was out shopping with her at our local shopping centre on saturday I ignored the txt he is meant to pay the money in then but didnt bother and when I asked him why he said he was sorry he forgot.

He has told everyone we know that I am being awkward with him and hes really happy now and I am just trying to spoil it for him. He has also told everyone that I am sleeping with someone else and am in a new relationship and happy.

I am glad we are seperated as I hadnt been happy for ages but I dwell on things alot and wanted to make absolutely sure before I acted he just found her first thats all I feel like myself again but these mind games are really doing my head in and although I stay calm if I speak to him or have to txt him it has got me so wound up that I'm not sleeping properly and im really angry with him.

I don't really know what to do next or how to make it all stop and I know I cant control or change what he does I just cant make sense of it at all. Although I wasnt happy when with him he never acted as viscious or nasty as he is now and I have made it clear to him that he left me and I intend to divorce him and I just want to move on and he says fine but then acts like this.

So how do I get him and the kids together without any aggro and have some me time I mean I love the kids and were doing lots of things together and DS1 is getting lots of reassurance from me but I know he misses his dad but I dont want seeing dad to mess with his head either.

I was advised to make a will for the kids by my solicitor and am going to do this on friday does my ex get the kids automatically if anything should happen to me ? Because based on recent behaviour I would not want that at all he can't put them before himself and thats what they need.

Sorry this is long and if you got this far thanks for sticking with me any advice would be gratefully received.
Thanks again Poppy x

Voyager2002

Now that you have written it all down, show this to your solicitor.

You will probably be referred for mediation at an early stage of the divorce process, and mediation should be able to make some progress towards resolving the issues you mention.

As for telephone, Sky and so on, tell them that you have moved into your address and he has moved out.

Js_Other_Half

Sorry to hear about all this.

Why not get your solicitor to sort out the sky, utilities etc? Failing that, have a chat with your local domestic violence co-ordinator. I know there isn't any dv in your situation, but he's trying to control you - the dv unit may have advice on how to deal with the practicalities?

Check out your local authority website, or ring their main switchboard number.

tootie

Hi poppy,

Sorry to hear about your situation, seperating and divorce are hard enough without having to worry about your ex letting the kids down too!

The children would automatically be put with your ex (god forbid if anything happened to you) unless there is a good reason why this should not happen - this would need to be outlined at mediation - if you say then that you are more than happy to share custody then they will see no reason for this not to happen.

As for the home phone - I understand that he and his new partner have the number - but in reality, even if you had it changed, it might not stop the calls - If it is her or him (possibly to check up on you) making the calls. You would still want him to phone the kids so he would still get the new number and even if you didn't give him the number there is a strong possibility the children would give it to him.
Rationally, if he is not currently giving you money to help out with the kids etc, then I would leave the sky and home phone as it is - while he is continuing to pay it, its two less bills you need to find the money for. He will soon stop paying for it and then it is your husband who will be responsible for it!
If the money is coming out of a joint account, then i would stop the payment and go with Voyager and tell them that Mr X has moved out of your address and you want to set up an account.

Don't despair, deep down he probably knows he needs to be a good dad, but at the moment he is bitter at you (maybe because you are seemingly so calm and just getting on with your life) and wants to hurt you the only way he can. Its just a shame that the kids always get the bad end of the deal!!

Dinah93

If the number is private or withheld the network or landline provider can still do a trace on the number for you. I am currently in the process of doing this with my ex, as if you can show that these calls are brief, ie you're hanging up when you realise who it is, it can be treated as harassment. If it is a landline, the number calling can be barred from dialing your phone. If it is a mobile its a little more complex, but the police will get involved, treat it as harrassment, issue a caution, if the calls continue there is a lovely great fine and criminal record in it for her. She may well assume there is no way to trace the number if it is ex directry or withheld, and its simply not the case. Best wishes to you