How do you get over guilt?

myrnahaz

In a way it's not a bad thing that you feel as you do because it shows that you actually cared for her, and that there are aspects of her that you'll miss. As sad as alcoholism is, it's not possible to help those people who don't want to help themselves, and sometimes, drawing back from them is the only way for you to have a life. Just hold on to the good memories; I hope you can soon start to come to terms with it.

jbbonce

Paddy's mum, Thank you for going to the effort to write and post such a considered reply. Of course you are entirely right, and I suppose what I have to do now is to hold on to the fact that all I wanted to do was protect my DH and daughter.

dedicatedmoneysaver

Hi there, just wanted to say that I was in this exact same situation with my sibling last year. The guilt of knowing that she died thinking that I hated her has been the worst thing in the world to come to terms with. In the year leaading uo to her death I gave her all the help and support I could because I genuinely believed everyone deserved a second chance and she had promised me she wanted to help herself. I even considered remortgaging my own home to pay for the detox as the waiting list was so long. I just though that everything would be ok once she had been treated and she would be back to the kind hearthed person that I knew she was. The thing was she was never nasty to me , just sad and wanted to get better. Unfortunately she refused the treatment when a place became available eventually and it was the end for me. I was so angry I said some unbelievably cruel things to her and she was hearbroken. I remember thinking that if anythig ever happened to her I would remember this conversation for the rest of my life.

She tried to make it up to me over the months that followed, sending me notes etc, I was so cold and just ignored her to protect myself. I never got the chance to make up as she died shortly after. The guilt was unbearable. After all what had she done that was so bad, she wasn't a bad person , or a criminal, she just needed help and I abandoned her.

However , months later it gets easier, I know it wasnt my fault but it was so exhausting, thats why I walked away.

Please don't blame yourself, your mil chose the path to go down and deep down she would have known you loved her. Thinking of you x:A

Lunar_Eclipse

jbbonce wrote: »

Yesterday at 1 am the police came to my house and informed my husband his mother had died but told him they didn't have any more information.

Aww, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and the torment that it is causing you.

I'm not an expert on such matters, but I think a key aspect of getting over the guilt is that you need to forgive yourself. Despite everything that you have mentioned and actions that you are not proud of, you are not responsible for her death.

Time is also a great healer. You will get through this, but be kind to yourself and don't expect miracles overnight.

Rachel85

You acted as you did based on the information you had available to you at the time and with the very best of intentions. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

You didn't shut your mother in law out of your life to hurt or punish her - you did it to protect you and your husband, your marriage, your daugher and, perhaps without realising it, in an attempt to protect her from herself as well, giving her an incentive to get herself back on track.

Guilt is a horrible thing to live with, but admitting it openly will help you to put your demons to rest. For what its worth, it doesn't sound as though things would have turned out any differently if you had been in contact with her over the past 10 months. In time you will realise that you did what you thought was right for everyone, your mother in law included, and that is all anyone can ever ask.

pukkamum

I think whenever some one dies no matter how why or when we all have some guilt, even if we were the best sibling daughter etc we could have been there is still a certain what if i had done this said this etc, please don't let the guilt eat you up. My stepdad died in his flat alone and was found by my younger sister 3 weeks later, pretty horrifying as you can imagine. We were all so eaten up with guilt that it marred any happy memories we had of him for a long time. It was only when my husband said that my guilt was futile, it didn't change anything, we couldn't go back and do the things we wished we had and my stepdad was still dead that i started to put the guilt behind me and instead think of all the times i was a good daughter instead of the one time i wasn't. hth

specialK

As others have said, Alcoholism is an illness.
My Auntie died from it 20 years ago, my Mum and family were advised to cut all ties from her, as it was thought if she had no one, it would be a wake up call. Nobody could do this and as a result she died from it. OK, she would have died anyway but my Mum blamed herself because she did not make the break. The whole family felt as though they had let her down.
The sad thing with alcoholics is they can't admit there is a problem, they can't see how much they are hurting those around them. Everybody feels guilty except them. We can't blame them so we blame ourselves or each other, as a way of coping.
I have watched my friend and SIL suffer losing their Dad because of it.
It is a no win situation if they don't seek proffessional help. As sad as it is to accept, they choose drink over everything. I do sympathise with them to a certain extent, after all it is an illness.
With regards to how you are feeling now, I would say it is one of the stages of grief. There are 5 stages of grief to experience and it is only then that you will understand and accept what has happened. You will realsie that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I feel, that why they are still with us, we always expect or live in the hope that they will come to their senses and seek help. I have not known this to happen.
Don't beat yourself up and make yourself feel worse than needs be, find comfort in your own family and love, love yourself, love them and love life.
Life is abused all too often, never be too complacent and remember that you are needed and valued as Mother / Wife.
Thinking of you all, hope you find strength in each other.
x

belfastgirl23

SpecialK's point about the stages is a good one. Just to add it's likely your husband will get to this stage a bit later than you (men being as they are!) - it's worth preparing for this...

Errata

It's a tragic situation and your initial response seems quite normal. Perhaps you need to ask yourself if she would have wanted you to suffer ongoing guilt? You know that she loved you but it was difficult for her to show it, perhaps she wouldn't want you to go on feeling so badly about her, but remember her as the woman she occasionally could be and how well you sometimes got on together. HTH