Problems with Teenager

Bubbles911

Hi

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I’m posting here on behalf of my brother in the hope someone has advice. My niece is 14 and has got herself in to a bit of trouble. I know it sounds ridiculous but it all started when she was 3 and her brother was born, he is autistic so she was always jealous of the attention he got and started acting out, doing things like stealing from the lost property box at school and pinching money when she went to her friends houses.

I have a really close relationship with both her and my nephew but she thinks everyone apart from me loves her brother more than they do her. She has always discussed things with me and I have always reminded her of the things her parents do for her that her brother doesn’t get but its like she has short term memory and can only remember what happens to him not her.

Anyway, a year and ago she was caught sending abusive text messages to her friends from her old mobile number, my brother found out and grounded her but she begged them not to tell me and my parents what was going on so they dealt with it and moved on. She has now done the same thing again to one of her best friends. I was asked to talk to her about it because she respects and listens to me but it was like talking to a brick wall, it was like she couldn’t take in how serious it was. The school were close to suspending her last time it happened so in a way she is lucky it kicked off the day after school broke up.

She has made friends with someone who is 17, left school and has no job or goes to college or anything and we don’t know if she is leading her astray but we all want to stop this now before things get worse and she ruins her future but we just cant get through to her. I have tried everything I can think of e.g. how would she feel if someone did that to me or her brother, how scary it can be for the person she did it to and how it’s a criminal offence. We thought about asking the police to talk to her but my brother is worried they will charge her. There are also occasions where she has stole stuff from school.

On the day these messages came to a head I also got a “funny” phone call. I never give out my home number as I have an illness and often cant get to the phone so my mobile is easier but got a disgusting phone call on Saturday while she was supposedly shopping (found out later she was down the local part with this 17 year old and drinking and god knows what with boys), what that person said to me was disgusting. She swore she never gave out my number but the guy who called was called Richard and there is a Richard in her phone book and I just don’t know where to believe her. I tried to tell her how scared it made me feel, what if this person knew where I lived and was watching me but she didn’t even seem to care or flinch.

She said she wonders if she has a form of autism too cos she just doesn’t feel “normal” and looking back, I’m starting to wonder too because she NEVER shows emotion, even when her pet hamster died last year her reaction was when do I get another one? And everyone else in the family was mortified.

We just don’t know which way to turn and what to do for the best before this gets worse. The friend she did this to is on holiday now for 2 weeks, her dad played holy hell understandably and when he comes back we all want to assure him we are doing something but just don’t know what to do to make sure she knows how serious this is and to prevent her doing something equally as stupid in the future. At the moment she is grounded with no telephone, no internet and as she said “no contact with the outside world” but she laughed as she said it. This doesn’t seem severe enough to put a stop to this once and for all but we as a family don’t know where to turn.

If anyone could give advice we would be really grateful.

Shineyhappy

Hi,

I don't know much about autism but perhaps it maybe worth calling an autism support society that you could discuss her symptoms with in more detail?

I think she is at an age where sibling rivalry can be rife and no doubt her brother may need more help than she does. Both myself and my brother swore blindly that the other was a favourite and by talking to friends I think that it is quite common.

Would she benefit from a break away from her family and some quality time spent with you? Maybe it would give her a chance to talk as she sounds quite resentful. Maybe you could talk about the problems you had growing up so she knows she is not alone?

theskinnycow

My little brother has autism and I did used to be jelous of all the attention he got from my mum (I dont have any extended family at all) I did start to act out a bit but was never that bad. It could also be adhd (im sorry if you've already looked into this) or it could just be nothing more than a desperate ploy for lots of attention. You could try taking her on holiday with you that way your both out of your normal routines and she may be more willing to opn up to you.
xxx

churchrat

I have no family experience of autism, but have had 1 "sick" child and 2 "unsick"children. It can play merry hell with family dynamics, although in our family it was the sick child who played up. I think we may have gone too far the other way, when trying to ensure that the other2 did not feel left out.

Anyhow---I really don't feel that there are any easy answers for you re rivalry BUT your neice is giving you a huge clue when she says that she does not feel normal. She may well be right (although most teenagers feel different) and unless the adults try to find out for her she will be unable to do anything about it. You could try talking to the autism soc, and let her know that you are doing this. That way she will know that you are all trying to help and not just punish. Does the autism soc have a "family" section, where she could meet other siblings in her position?? Is the family GP helpful?? does your nephew go to a school you could approach for advice??

I am sure that this is a really hard time for all of you, but perhaps this is the catalyst that turns things around. My dd has a friend who was diagnosed as autistic aged 20yrs, even tho his sister had been diagnosed many yrs before. Everybody outside of the family could see that his behavour was giving concern, but he was so much better behaved than his sister that his family just thought "oh, thats just J" He was very relieved to be diagnosed, and is coping much better with help.

good luck to you all, your neice is lucky to have people that care so much for her.