can someone give me advise pls

cprtknight4

hi there, i was wondering if you kind people could give me some advice, as not sure what is best to do. please dont be judgemental.

Im 23 and my hubby is 25, we have two children aged 5 and 2. Behaviour wise for the 2 year old is great he is comin on wonderfully. My problem is my eldest she litterally just shouts at me when she gets angry, screams if she dont get her on way, will not do as she is told and does not listen to me most of the time. Half the time she is great other times she is like above.

We have tried the sitting on the bottom of the stairs to cool down, tried the reward chart, not sure what else we can do.

All ideas on how to calm her down welcme.

kind regards and thanks in advance

skylight

We have had great issues with our 4yo. The little cow. All the others are fine, but she is awful. We are unable to punish her as she simply does not care. She takes herself off to the naughty step laughing, ripping off the reward chart etc. We took a new approach - a stop and think one. When she is asked to do something, I stop her immediately and we have a quick chat about what it is she needs to do and how she is going to go about it. The idea is to get her to stop and think about her actions before she does it and after a lot of effort and perseverance its finally working!

cprtknight4

hi, thanks for the quick reply.

That is like our daughter, there is no point punishing her anymore cause it does not bother her.
I will try your method and see if that works with her, thank you.

kind regards

RedBern

poor you! my dd was the second child - and I've always said if she'd have been the first she'd have been an only child!! I think the best advice I can give is similar to that you'll find on the pet forum (seriously!). Reward the good behaviour and try to ignore the bad. I've got 4 children (almost grown up now) and can appreciate how frustrating youngsters can be. However, you need to rise above it - and as I say praise her for the good things she does whilst trying very hard not to see all the naughty things! Even at her early age, she's well aware of which buttons to press with both you and your OH - so decide between you on your strategy and BOTH stick to it! Don't let her play one off against the other.. oh, and she may be jealous of little brother, especially if he's an angel! So take care you don't see more of her bad and his good points.

fsdss

5's a great age isnt it?

i am a behaviour "expert" or so my job title tells me, BUT in my opinion the parents are the experts. now some advice.......
red bern's advice is spot on Reward the good and try and ignore the bad. if you really cannot ignore the bad then use time out.
the key to using time out is to remain calm as a parent and not respond to the screaming - as naturally anyone would want to scream back. put her in complete isolation weather you're in the room or not - what i mean by that is no eye contact - no answering back, in fact no social interaction at all whilst time is being served. this is hard to do but will work after a few times if you follow the above.

the other thing you can try - when calm - warn her that xxx will be removed out of play (such as barbies or whatever) one at a time when the next incident occurs.
i did this with my son and removed his daleks during a paddy he had 3 confiscated for the rest of the week - but he only did it twice!!! it might not work for you but worth a shot.

how is she at school? their tactics shouldn't be too dissimilar to time out, and end of term makes little ones less tolerable of routines- bear this in mind at bedtime.

another key trick to learn is observe your own behaviour - how do you come across? are you (or dad) raging when she is screaming ? does dad talk to you like this (or vice versa)- does your eyes not connect when talking with her - sometime we do not notice these things- especially when pre-occupied with siblings or chores - it will probably be something simple and easily remedied but we'll all try and help you work it out.

good luck

Loretta

My middle one was like this, grown up now and very capable and independent and my brother's daughter the same, I think we breed them in this family! so if you can survive the first 20 years you will be OK!

You will probably not have the problems that other people have with their teenagers because these sort of children are very bright and are not going to mess their own lives up. If you can't talk them into doing something when they are 2 1/2 no one else will manage it when they are 15! They are a nightmare to live with but outside of the home they do very well and do not seem to get themselves into trouble.

My brilliant MIL, my husband is the youngest of 12 and my youngest the 62nd grandchild so she must know something, used to say for instance if you are going out and she has to get ready tell her about half an before ' we are going out in half an hour get your clothes ready (or whatever), then about 5 or 10 minutes before tell her again, this time we are going out in 10minutes make sure you have got your shoes on etc, tell her in advance and then give her notice nearer the time. Stand in front of her with eye contact and say quietly and calmly, so she has to concentrate and be quiet to hear you 'we are going out in 10 minutes, get ready to put your shoes on and get in the car....' and then turn and walk away. If you say this and just stand there and keep eye contact you give her an opportunity to say ' no' or 'why should I'
It is harder to argue at someone's back, if she starts just keep walking and carry on with what you are doing, preferably in another room, quietly and calmly closing a door between you and ignore her.

MIL best advice was 'you are the adult she is the child' that's it, do not ever get involved in an argument about things or join in the shouting or yelling (very hard I know) you have told her what to do and that is the end of it and you presume that she will do as she is told.

As MIL used to say when you have 12 children there are not enough hours in the day for all that carry on, we let them do it because we have the time

Getting out the door in time for school can be a problem, I would say we are leaving at ...., I had to get to work after dropping them off, if she wasn't dressed she would go in the car as she was, in her nightie, school clothes in a bag and could get dressed in the car, which she did and this went on for years and I thought it was normal after a while and she never dressed before we left but at least the carry on every morning stopped.

You have to turn it round that you are in charge, there is no discussion, don't let her get to you, do what you have to do and she can be the one who is inconvenienced and you do not join in and play her game, you sort of seperate yourself from it, once you get going on this it works quite well.

Good luck, I feel for you I would not want to go through all that again!

Same with fussy eaters, they did not exist in MIL's family, if you didn't eat it someone else will so you better get on with it quickly!

jackomdj

Our DD can be a bit like this (3 1/2yrs) we have started telling her before she does things what the consequences will be, eg if she plays Daddy up there will be no ballet on Sat, if she does so & so she won't have this. I think the most important thing is to follow through with your consequence so they know that you mean what you say.

She also messes with her food & we now set a timer & if she does not eat it we take it away & she gets no pudding & nothing till her next meal. Usually if she misses a meal (& she has been known to eat none of it) she will make up for it on the next one!

Ultimately remember they push boundaries & keep your boundaries where you feel they should be

Good luck
Nicky

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

My son is four and can be a handful some time we find doing exactly what you say & saying what you do works a treat
When he misbehaves I say I''ll throw his favourite toy in the bin and if he continues to behave badly I do throw it in the bin ( ebay ) never to be seen again
On the flip side saying what you do, 5 mins before bedtime I explain its bedtime in 5 mins he can have 1 more drink etc, then find a positive thing to focus on ( your going to nannies after your sleep, we'll read 3 books, I'll let you pick a teddy to sleep with)
My view overall on childrens behaviour is don't give mixed messages don't threaten to do something then not follow through they'll never believe you next time. If you says you'll punish in a particular way removing a toy, naughty step etc then follow through
Good luck and beleive me every mum feels the same sometimes

p.s. big fan of Tyana Byron house of tiny tearaways for hints & tips (got a few of her books & also toddler taming book by Christopher Green has some good tips)