Advice please, family 'borrowing'!

spanner07

Hi,
Could do with your wisdom on my situation!! My sis and I are organising a day out for our mum. All of a sudden I have been asked to pay for things on the day (prev deal was to split it 50/50 as a present from us both), as she is out of cash - not due to bills so much as socialising. Normally I wouldn't mind, but the exact same thing has happened before. It is not an ott day we have planned, and it has been in planning for a while, so it hasn't come as a shock. What should I do? What I would normally do is pay it, then feel guilty to get the share paid back, and so cover it all but feel annoyed. I am in a more solvent position than my sister, but I feel annoyed that it is assumed that I am the one who covers things at the last minute! I would hate to see my mum let down, so pay up. Am I getting grumpy over nothing? What would you do?
Thank for your help!

foreversomeday

If you have a higher disposable income than your sister, how about splitting the cost say 60/40 or 70/30? Or ask her to pay up front/in installments when you organise it, then she won't have a chance to spend it!

debs66_2

i think you know what we know... your sis is playing a blinder.

she thinks, 'hey, she's got more money than me, and she never said anything last time, and i want to go out next friday etc etc', and is hoping it all pans out the same and she gets to give her mum a free present at your expense.

you are not responsible for your sister. if she can't afford the event, then tell her that's fine, but it's your gift to your mum and she can sort out a different present. try and be firm without having an argument.

you can also ask her how much she can pay now, seeing as she's a bit short, and ask her if she wants you to sub her for a week or two, but you will need it back.

you're not getting angry with your sister, you're getting angry with yourself as she's trying to take you for a mug. you would feel like that if a stranger did it. it just burns a bit more when family try and rip us off.

families, eh? :cool:

*Louise*

Why don't you take your mum on a day out without your sister?

That way you pay, but it's a present from you so you won't feel annoyed about it.

spanner07

Wow, thanks for all your replies. Debs you have hit the nail on the head, I guess I do know she's having me on, it is easier than having it out with her though which is my fault! She can strop waaaaaay better than I have the patience to! I would like to keep it as a day out with us all, as that is really important to mum. I guess I am annoyed as she spends on things I would consider wasteful, and which I avoid spending on, but then doesn't have the money for things like this, which I would consider came above anything else really (its a big birthday, so I feel a special effort is required!).
I would love to have it as a day out from me, but I would feel such a ****, especially so late in the day. Agreeing an affordable payment now, then an idea of when the rest would come sounds like a good plan, maybe along with an idea of not splitting it 50/50 (though it grates!). I tried suggesting when I needed it back by, but the only reaction was a suggestion to cut the day down.
Next step would be to learn for next time!!!
Thanks guys, was worried I was being a cow.

*Louise*

Whatever you do - DON'T feel guilty about wanting her share paid back

She has to learn that things need to be paid for.

BlondeHeadOn

I agree with the responses above. My sister used to do this to me, and I lost count of the number of times that I ended up paying the whole or bulk of the 'joint' present - so she got her full share of the kudos and thanks, and virtually none of the cost. Believe me if you say nothing and cough up, it will not get any better!

You are definitely not being a cow! You have very right to feel taken for a ride by this.

In the end with my sister I reverted to having 'separate' gifts, as that was I could control how much I spent and didn't feel that she was getting credit for doing nothing. It makes life much easier believe me.

Enjoy your mums treat day out!

spanner07

Thanks Louise, I'll work on that one!
Glad to hear I'm not the only one BHO, we do mainly do seperate gifts, but a day out with us all does really need to be joint, rather than me treating everyone!!!

amandada

I know this doesn't help for the treat this time, but if you're going to do it in the future, how about doing it on the basis that your sister saves up for it ahead of time by giving you £10/£20 a week and making sure she gives you it...i.e. nip her head every week so it's easier for her to give you it to shut you up!

pinkshoes

Just tell her you can't afford it as you've just bought yourself a new pair of GHDs, and had a full body wax.

Can she not put it on a credit card? If you planned it together, she's had ages to save up for this, and if you pay her share, it's going to be the same every year, and she'll never learn.

debs66_2

spanner07 wrote: »

its a big birthday, so I feel a special effort is required!).

as another thought, how 'big' is the birthday?

i ask this because if your mum is getting on, it's not worth a family row. I lost my dad when he was only 51, and i'd love to have him back to make a special day for him, whatever the cost.

i'm quite a firm believer in karma, and if you make this day special for her, without her being upset by your sister's shenanigans, then you will reap what you sow (as will darling sis!).

try the instalment plan, and if it doesn't pan out chalk it up big in your mind. don't waste tears being upset with yourself, but never, ever again agree to share a present or anything similar with your sister. if she asks again, just say sorry but you've already arranged your gift.

good luck!