Husband home for R&R soon and I have no idea what to do

SchminkyCat · 6 August 2012 at 9:03PM

I'm sorry that this isn't relevant to money saving, but I have no idea what to do, or who to talk to about it.

My husband in currently 2 months into a 6 month OOA in Qatar, he has provisionally been given dates towards the end of Oct for his 2 weeks R&R.

Before he went, we talked to several people who had done the whole 6 month apart thing and they all said the same thing when it came to children - it was better to do the 6 months all in one, don't come home for R&R cos it upsets the kiddies, and takes them a while to settle again afterwards etc etc. So we agreed that he wouldn't come back.

But I hadn't banked on just how much I would miss him. I feel utterly lost and am feeling every second of every day at the mo. A friend of mine (hubby is a marine) has told me that the best thing about him being away is the 2 week R&R, especially as (for her) the time apart afterwards goes a lot quicker. However her baby is, well, a baby! Mine are 2.5yrs and 6yrs.

We have agreed that he wont come back to our house (we moved in just before he left so the kiddies haven't really got memories of Daddy in this house, which made it really smooth when he left - they have both been doing really well with writing letters and skyping with him). We don't want him to go again and for them to be left with memories of him being here that make it difficult for them to adjust to him going again. We had planned on them having a little holiday with Nanny and Grandad whilst we went away for a week or so, so that we could spend some time together, but that isn't going to work now as my parents can only have them for a couple of days at the very beginning of his R&R. So now we are thinking of us having a couple of days in a B&B with just the 2 of us, then me picking up the kids and taking them to the airport where we "meet" Daddy and all go abroad for a cheap/late deal (the thinking being that when we get back to the house, they wont be looking around and associating it with Daddy being home, as they only saw him on the holiday). But I am so worried that i'm basing that decision on purely selfish motives cos I want to be with him for as long as poss.

Please help me. I feel like I am going crazy trying to decide what to do. I want to make the right decision for all of us, but especially want to make this as easy as possible for the children. Poor things have been left with me and I am running on empty right now.

[FONT=&quot][threadbanner]box[/threadbanner][/FONT]

Alikay · 6 August 2012 at 10:35PM

Are you sure you're not over-thinking this? IMO when daddy comes back for R & R, the normal thing would be for him to come back home. Yes, there'd be the goodbyes all over again, but surely that's easier to explain and deal with than the knowledge that daddy is back but had chosen to stay somewhere else?

Although heading off for a holiday together may seem tempting, I'd have thought that it's sort of shutting your husband out of your normal home and family life, which could cause problems in the future. Why don't you just cherish those times he IS home...the kids will be in bed from 7 or 8 pm, so you'll have lots of time alone with him too

SchminkyCat · 7 August 2012 at 8:49AM

I do feel like i'm overthinking it, but that's what's happening with everything at the mo! I feel under so much pressure to keep everything going, make sure I don't drop any balls so to speak, and not mess anything up. Am so stressed about forgetting something, or making the wrong decision and it being a disaster (even down to what groceries to buy, its getting ridiculous!).

But the one thing we both feel very strongly about is him not coming back to the house. The children are used to him not being here because he never has been (other than a couple of weekends just before he left) and we both feel that we don't want them getting used to him being here until he is properly home again. They wont know if he comes home and doesn't see them (or stays somewhere else) because they wont know that he has come home at all. I also know that if he does come back to the house, we will spend 2 weeks doing all the jobs/housework etc that needs to be done - I also work from home so I know I would end up working as well. Unfortunately its the way it always happens when we try and spend time together at home - the only way we actually "switch off" and spend proper time together is if we go away. He doesn't want to come back to the house to spend 2 weeks doing jobs before going back again!

But the going away part isn't really the question, its about the children. What I really want to know is does it work? Is it worse for him to see the children (for them)? Would it be better for them if we just waited until his 6 months are up and then when he gets back it is for good?

Alikay · 7 August 2012 at 9:44AM

SchminkyCat wrote: »

But the going away part isn't really the question, its about the children. What I really want to know is does it work? Is it worse for him to see the children (for them)? Would it be better for them if we just waited until his 6 months are up and then when he gets back it is for good?

In my opinion, home is somewhere special where we all belong, even if daddy has to be away most of the time with work. trying to fool the children by making them feel daddy doesn't belong here, so won't be missed when he isn't here won't work. It's too much of a risk to your marriage to make him feel he doesn't belong in the cosy little world you inhabit with your kids.

If you don't want him doing household jobs when he gets home, ring an odd-job man and get a few of his least favourite ones out of the way. Leave him a few bits to do, though or he won't feel he's invested anything of himself in the home!

The children will accept that he needs to go away with work - mine were comforted by going up and lying on Daddy's side of the bed, using his mug etc, and I think you trying to protect them so much is unhelpful to them and stressful for you. Ticking off days on a chart, having Daddy's favourite dinner, looking at where he is on an Atlas all helped my children feel closer to him while he was away, as well as the usual phone calls, emails etc.

intranicity · 7 August 2012 at 11:23AM

Plus, unless he is leaving the military, do you know he won't have to deploy again?

I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job of trying to keep all the balls in the air, being a mum and dad to the kids while he's away, and you're doing a great job trying to protect the kids, BUT I think you're trying TOO hard, and the excess stress you are causing yourself will be picked up by the kids....

I think you need to open a bottle of wine, have a nice drink, feel grateful that he, you and the kids are well and look forward to a few weeks with him, I really doubt the kids will have any side affects from dad being home, infact, it might be better for them to know that the house they live in is also the one their father lives in.

Take care and try and relax a bit for all your own good :-)

ForcesWife_2 · 7 August 2012 at 5:06PM

Having been a wife of 20 years with 3 youngsters early on I know how you must feel - my advice is to have the time at home together as a family and make the most of the alone time in the evenings. The children may be upset when he goes away but they adapt very quickly - much quicker than we do as adults.

It is very hard - we have spent most of our married years apart until about 8 years ago and my children are now adults. Your children need to grow to understand that this is daddies work and not discover later on that he chose to stay away when he had the chance to see them - childs eye view!

Any time you have together is precious and maybe you can still have time to go to the pictures or for a meal alone and ask nanny and grandad to babysit - I'm sure they won't mind that but I do feel that when times get tough your husband will be grateful for the smiles you all put on his face when he is home.

Tiddlywinks · 7 August 2012 at 6:36PM

You need to get your children used to the idea that daddy has a job where he needs to stay away a lot...as others have said, he may be deployed somewhere else in short order so you aren't protecting them, you are being dishonest with them.

I'm pretty sure that your OH wants nothing more than to come home to two weeks of normality - which means being at home, warts and all. Why is that so bad for the children? Saying goodbye is part of being in the army - end of - you need to find a way to deal with it for the sake of your children.

themull1 · 7 August 2012 at 7:26PM

If it was me, i would definitely have him home with the kids, they'll love to see him, and will settle down when he leaves, what i wouldnt do is all stand saying goodbye when its time to leave, i would say your goodbyes to each other, then take the kids out when he leaves so they don't see him go.

It worked for me when my husband left me, i thought the kids would handle it better if they were at school when he left, and i told them myself. i know its not the same thing, but you know what i mean!

SchminkyCat · 7 August 2012 at 10:08PM

Sorry, I guess I should have made clear that this is the last time he will ever be on long term deployment as he's done his time and is about to leave the RAF. I know that once he is home, he is home for good. Also, this isn't his home, or mine, or the childrens. We just moved here for the 6 months that he is away to be close to my family, and then we are moving again (all of us together) once he gets back.

I do appreciate the comments about what he would prefer to do on his R&R, but it was his idea not to come home, based on him talking to other military Dads, who all said that they wished they had done things differently and not come home and seen the children. I have really struggled to find anyone with children, in this situation, who think it is better for Daddy to come home mid deployment!

I've spoken to him again and he has said that he just wants to come back for the 4 days that my parents can have the children, and then just see them when he gets back for good. I think he might also be worried for himself about seeing them and then having to leave again. I'm going to try and talk to him again about the possibility of coming here and seeing the children. We do only have about 7 weeks left after he goes back again, so no where near as long as we will already have done. (It doesn't help that my mum makes me constantly feel like I am making the wrong decision, regardless of what that decision is. This time its "but the children have no concept of time - they wont know that they haven't got as long to go once he has left again).

We do have the calenders/charts/write letters/make parcels for him/send emails/skype/talk about where he is/watch movies whilst all wrapped up in his dressing gown etc....The children and I talk about Daddy on a daily basis, so please don't think that I am simply trying to pretend he doesn't exist! And I have absolutely no concerns about my marriage. If we weren't going to make it, it would have happened about 4 years ago. But we survived that, and this is a minor wrinkle compared to what we spent 3 years dealing with!

valk_scot · 8 August 2012 at 2:18PM

My dad (not military) used to go away for 3/4 month stints, then be home for a couple of weeks, then away again. This was from the time I was about four till I was nine and tbh, it was just a regular part of life for me. I loved seeing him, we all (mum and older sister too) did lots of family things together then we were sad for a bit when he was gone again. But we knew we would see him again soon so that was okay. It helped that my mum was always very positive about it and I don't think it it did us the least bit of harm. Oh, and this was in the 60's, no Skype or good phone communication. He really was gone when he was gone iyswim.

I think you're getting too worked up about it tbh. The kids would love to see their dad I expect and I can't see why they won't feel less upset rather than more when he goes away again, because they'll know from experience now that he'll be back. And I really don't see what the house has to do with it tbh, you're still a family wherever you live. It's not the house that makes it the home after all.

You can't control everything remember and it's not actually harmful for kids to be sad about normal things, you know. You can get too protective and that in itself can be a negative thing. Of course it's you that has to deal with them being sad but be like my mum, be positive, plan a few activities to take everyone's mind off the gap and look forwards to him coming home again. Also consider the possiblity that your OH may just be trying to agree to what he sees as the least upsetting option for you, in much the same way as you're trying to choose the least upsetting option for him and the kids, no?

Trying_to_be_good · 8 August 2012 at 10:03PM

My OH is just back from 6-months in Afghanistan. He has four children (my step-children), who don't live with us but spend every other weekend here, and half the holidays.

Him being away was more enormously difficult than I could have imagined, but it is the reality of the life as a wife. I can't imagine him being anywhere other than here fir R&R, and wanting to spend the most time possible with the kids.

For me, it was really, really hard, but that's life. In many ways, its even harder trying to settle back in now he's back, with POTL and leave, R&R was a bit surreal, really, but I wouldn't do it differently if there's a next time.

Try and make it as stress-free as possible, even batch-cooking to have easy stuff to defrost helps!

Keep smiling, you're not alone, I promise x

Husband home for R&R soon and I have no idea what to do

Comments

Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply

🚀 Getting Started

Categories

Is this how you want to be seen?

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free