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Relationship falling apart :(
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# 1
maryland89
Old 12-11-2011, 10:23 PM
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Unhappy Relationship falling apart :(

Hello everyone
I'm looking for some advice from different angles and perhaps somewhere just to write everything down as I'm really struggling at the moment

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, we bought a house 2 years ago together with a big help (about 30,000) from my mum and dad. About a week after we had bought the house I caught my boyfriend kissing another girl in a nightclub on my birthday, he apologised profusely and offered to move out. I was distraught and confused because we had just bought a house together, and I guess embarassed so we agreed to stay together.

Anyway we have been getting along ok, but often argue about housework. He puts more money into the joint account and therefore expects me to do all the housework even though we both work the same amount of hours. At first I was happy to do this but began to feel a bit 'taken for granted' after a while. I have mentioned this to him and it always ends up in a big argument about him putting more money in than me.
He also complains about the housework a lot if I get behind e.g. if i've not done a wash for a week or his shirts aren't ironed for work

We work in the same office

He doesn't drive so I end up being his taxi driver too

Recently I have decided to re-train and have started an evening college course, as well as helping out at Rainbows (girl guides) and I have reduced my hours at work, taking a pay cut so I can volunteer once a week to get experience in the job I want to do

I also am a member of a dance group and go to yoga once a week

This means I work Mon, Tue, Thu, Fri, volunteer on a Weds. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday evening I am also out doing these activities, and then I have to fit 12 hours of study in on top of all that. To be honest I am really struggling with the workload, and it is impossible for me to keep on top of the house work. I am finding it very tiring and stressful, but I'm just glad I'm doing something I want to do and know that its my own fault.

Anyway my boyfriend goes out on a Saturday morning and I normally don't see him til Sunday morning. He can never tell me what time he will be back home and he doesn't ring or text to tell me where he is, I have to call him to find out if he will be back for tea and he normally gets angry at calling him. He says because I'm busy all week this is his time to be with his friends and I'm being selfish not allowing him to have this time on his own.

We do get to spend sunday together but are normally in a bad mood with each other by this point

I just don't know what to do anymore, it feels like when I'm in a good mood he is in a bad mood, which then makes me in a bad mood, and by that point he is in a good mood, but I'm in a bad mood and its a vicious circle

I feel like I can't trust him, I'm worried he's spending time with other girls even though its me who is now out of the house more often.

A couple of weeks ago I woke up to find my boyfriend asleep (drunk) in the spare room and came downstairs to find the front door wide open and my laptop fully on show. He hasn't even apologised for this.

I feel he has no respect for me or the house but wonder if I'm just over emotional because I'm so tired at the moment? He is probably feeling like I dont spend time with him anymore because I'm busy studying.

And because i've cut my hours I can't go out with my friends as I just can't afford it.

Financially I couldn't live without him and I'm also worried as my parents put such a large amount of money into the house. We were supposed to sign something at the time to say that it was their money, but we never got round to it. Now I really wish we had done and I wish I had split up with him when I found him kissing that girl 2 years ago.

I just don't know what to do, I feel like crying all the time and he just gets angry all the time. He says I'm boring and depressing to be around at the moment which isn't very fun for him, and I would agree I am but I feel its him making me feel like that.

Anyway rant over with. I realise this is a really long post, but I'm just glad I've got it out of my system now.

I'm dreading him coming home tonight as he will see i've been crying which will just cause another argument.

Thank you for reading xxx
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# 2
Blue Elephant
Old 12-11-2011, 10:31 PM
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didn't want to read and run, *hugs*.

As you're not married but he has been paying into the mortgage presumably, I don't know where you stand on that front. I advise going to citizens advice to see if they can help. Re the relationship, would you want to continue it if it wasn't for the money side? If so try Relate, if not see a lawyer. I believe you can get half an hour for free before you decide anything.

*have some more hugs*
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# 3
McKneff
Old 12-11-2011, 10:31 PM
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Oh dear, I only got as far as the 'shirt ironing'

Leave the iron in the cupboard, if he complains tell him to do his own chuffing shirts, my god,

Cant you see, he is treating you like this because you are allowing him to.

Stop it, stick up for yourself, he really seems to have ground you down and you have no self esteem.
Youre worth much more than that missy.

You can exist without him financially, if you had to you would, simple.

Ive been married 43 years, we argue with the best of them, and my OH is a stubborn old !!!!!! but we both have 'lines drawn in the sand'

Dont put up with it sweetheart, your self respect has just been lost for a while, have a look for it, you'll find it soon
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent
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# 4
Gillyx
Old 12-11-2011, 10:33 PM
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It's a relationship, you shouldn't be doing all the housework just because he puts in more money! I don't work at the moment and my OH still helps out now and again with cleaning. So there is no reason why your partner shouldn't be contributing. He sound's like a chauvinistic pig and I'd love to give him a good boot up the behind.

Forget about the financial aspect, do you really want to live the rest of you life like this? You don't even spend a Saturday together (a time when you both have off?) Instead he flounces off out for 24 hours a week, where he is un-contactable? You sound like someone who is really pushing to achieve things in life, so don't let him drag you down.
The frontier is never somewhere else. And no stockades can keep the midnight out.
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# 5
Caroline_a
Old 12-11-2011, 10:35 PM
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It looks to me as if you have no relationship, just 2 people sharing a house. No boyfriend should be going out every Saturday and not coming in until Sunday when you aren't told where he is and who he is with. You're busy... he's doing his own thing, you're leading parallel lives. My advice to you would be to sell up and both of you move on, hard thought it may be.
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# 6
adamantine
Old 12-11-2011, 10:36 PM
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he is being unreasonable but i can kinda see his point that you are busy all the time he might feel like you dont need him as you have so many other things going on.

i think the best thing for you both to do is sit down and talk it out calmly. mayne write him a letter and put in it all the things you are unhappy with and how you can both make changes to sort it out. ask him to read it and do the same back.

you have put alot of pressure on yourself and IMO i think you need to make time to spend with each other by cutting back on something and him cutting back on seeing his friends. not stopping what you are doing but maybe only volunteering once a week and him going out once every fortnight so you have at least one night to have a nice meal and dvd night together or to go out together.
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# 7
concerned43
Old 12-11-2011, 10:41 PM
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I would be getting a backdated agreement signed with parents for the 30k loan. i would also forget about the volunteering for now - you're knackered and must look after yourself first.
I would ask the mortgage co if you can reduce the payments on mortgage until you can get back to work full time after your studying and would put all your BF's stuff into black bags, change the locks and leave the bags outside for him to collect!
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# 8
VfM4meplse
Old 12-11-2011, 10:43 PM
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Ditch him. He is abusing your hospitality and your parent's goodwill.

Next time he wants a 30k loan he should ask the bank...and see if they'll throw in a laundry service for free .

Seriously, this guy sounds like a prime user. Surely you're worth more?
Value-for-money-for-me-puhleeze!

"No man is worth, crawling on the earth"- adapted from Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio

Hope is not a strategy .....A child is for life, not just 18 years....Don't get me started on the NHS, because you won't win......If in doubt, don't pull out!
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# 9
Alias_Omega
Old 12-11-2011, 10:46 PM
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Mrs A does not work, stay at home mum. Our income is just under 50k.

When I am not at work, I still clean the upstairs bathrooms, sort and put the clothes away. I tend to get through more clothes washing (4-5 loads a day & put away) as i secretly wash them on a shorter cycle . I tend to throw more "junk" away than Mrs A.

So, does that mean that because I earn 90% of the income, I should do less of the housework? Not really, I tend to struggle with the children on my own, and they pretty much do what they want when mum is not around. So i understand why its all not done when i am home, though i do expect the minimum to be done (ie Breakfast dishes washed by 5pm )


Advice,

Sit down, make yourselves a little "chores" list that you both agree on, stick it on the wall with timescales (ie Empty the bin before bed every night). If you can afford to hire a cleaner, do so. I would run with an "Iron your own stuff" policy.
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# 10
VfM4meplse
Old 12-11-2011, 10:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alias_Omega View Post
Advice,

Sit down, make yourselves a little "chores" list that you both agree on, stick it on the wall with timescales (ie Empty the bin before bed every night). If you can afford to hire a cleaner, do so. I would run with an "Iron your own stuff" policy.
I don't think chores are the issue here, they're just symptomatic of the advantage the OP's bf is taking..
Value-for-money-for-me-puhleeze!

"No man is worth, crawling on the earth"- adapted from Bob Crewe and Bob Gaudio

Hope is not a strategy .....A child is for life, not just 18 years....Don't get me started on the NHS, because you won't win......If in doubt, don't pull out!
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# 11
Bumpmakesfour
Old 12-11-2011, 10:57 PM
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Firstly I have to say...I do agree that your boyf IS being unreasonable re the household chores etc.
I'm going to stick my neck out here though and probably get hammered for it,but,you are SO so busy he must feeling pretty neglected by you too.Your work/social diary is mental tbh and I'm sure he resents sitting at home on the many nights you're out,just as you resent him disappearing for the weekend.Can you not try to cut back on both sides and spend more time together?Try to get some closeness back into the relationship by doing something together at least one night a week?
<sat with my hard hat on waiting to get pounded>
Slightly mad mummy to four kidlets aged 4 months,6,7 and 8 xx
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# 12
BitterAndTwisted
Old 12-11-2011, 10:59 PM
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He puts more money into the joint account and therefore that buys your services as a cleaner? He goes off on Saturday morning and you don't hear from him or see him until some time on Sunday? You're his housekeeper not a life-partner. If you were a real life-partner he'd be putting more effort into being with you.

You either need to have a rational conversation about what you'd like to happen or call a halt to it. Never mind about the money, you could take in a couple of lodgers.
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# 13
jaqui59
Old 12-11-2011, 11:02 PM
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Have things got a lot worse since you have taken on these other commitments?
Some days I wake up Grumpy ... Other days I let him lie in.
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# 14
Bumpmakesfour
Old 12-11-2011, 11:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BitterAndTwisted View Post
He puts more money into the joint account and therefore that buys your services as a cleaner? He goes off on Saturday morning and you don't hear from him or see him until some time on Sunday? You're his housekeeper not a life-partner. If you were a real life-partner he'd be putting more effort into being with you.

You either need to have a rational conversation about what you'd like to happen or call a halt to it. Never mind about the money, you could take in a couple of lodgers.
But the OP is out all week...so surely she needs to put the effort in too?
Slightly mad mummy to four kidlets aged 4 months,6,7 and 8 xx
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# 15
BitterAndTwisted
Old 12-11-2011, 11:14 PM
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Eh, for most young couples Saturday night is the one big night when they go out together. He goes out all day and night and he gets @rsey when she phones. If he wanted to catch up with his pals he's got plenty of evenings in the week to do that. I reckon he's up to no good.
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# 16
Bumpmakesfour
Old 12-11-2011, 11:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BitterAndTwisted View Post
Eh, for most young couples Saturday night is the one big night when they go out together. He goes out all day and night and he gets @rsey when she phones. If he wanted to catch up with his pals he's got plenty of evenings in the week to do that. I reckon he's up to no good.

OR he could be being stubborn and deliberately being unavailable the one/two nights the OP is free? Who knows?
Slightly mad mummy to four kidlets aged 4 months,6,7 and 8 xx
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# 17
maryland89
Old 12-11-2011, 11:33 PM
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thanks for all your replies guys
really helpful seeing differents points of view

yes things have got worse since I've taken on my extra commitments...but all I want is for him to keep in contact with me on Saturday and help out around the house a bit more. I don't think this sounds too un-reasonable? However he doesn't seem to think so.
I'm doing my training so that I will have a better income at the end of it which will be for both of us, as in my current job salary prospects aren't great.

He did used to go out 2 evenings during the week, so it wasn't as much of an issue as we were both out during the week. However he has recently injured himself so can't go (he used to go training and to the gym, and for a couple of drinks afterwards) and is waiting for an operation.
And on a Saturday he used to keep in touch and wouldn't always go out to the early hours....and I had more money so used to go out too

Perhaps I am being unreasonable? Because I'm not getting to go out with my friends maybe I'm jealous because he still does?

He isn't all bad. He does do nice things for me and gives me bits of money to buy magazines and stuff with. And he always buys my lunch for me.

I just feel like I can't trust him as I feel like he doesn't respect the house as much as I do...but again that is my fault for letting him do that!!

Oh dear i think i'm just stuck in a rut

thank you all so much for reading and for your advice xxx
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# 18
deannatrois
Old 13-11-2011, 7:42 AM
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Definitely time for a calm discussion. Its possible for two people in a relationship to get more and more distant with each other when u are both living as you are.

Try and talk about what u both want out of the relationship.., see if there's a way u can both compromise and actively work towards a compromise. If things get tense, try and calm the situation down but keep it on the subject. Perhaps u could cut out Rainbows and he could cut down his going out to once every two weeks so u can actually spend some quality time together? And yes, I'd agree that its very unusual today for a man to not take part of the household duties as well. If he won't.., that would raise serious questions for me.., what would happen if you two should have children (believe u me, it only gets harder then lol).

Money gifts he gives you shouldn't relieve him of responsibility for the household jobs.., honestly!

I wish you all the best.

But if it doesn't work.., the lodger idea is a good one.

Last edited by deannatrois; 13-11-2011 at 7:44 AM.
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# 19
deannatrois
Old 13-11-2011, 7:47 AM
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Definitely time for a calm discussion. Its possible for two people in a relationship to get more and more distant with each other when u are both living as you are.

It might be worth pointing out that initially u had a certain arrangement to make your relationship work.., but things have changed and it isn't working anymore.., for either of you most likely.

Try and talk about what u both want out of the relationship.., see if there's a way u can both compromise and actively work towards a compromise. If things get tense, try and calm the situation down but keep it on the subject. Perhaps u could cut out Rainbows and he could cut down his going out to once every two weeks so u can actually spend some quality time together? And yes, I'd agree that its very unusual today for a man to not take part of the household duties as well. If he won't.., that would raise serious questions for me.., what would happen if you two should have children (believe u me, it only gets harder then lol).

Money gifts he gives you shouldn't relieve him of responsibility for the household jobs.., honestly!
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# 20
Carl31
Old 13-11-2011, 9:10 AM
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i really cant stand these types of relationships, where it boils down to money

Its both your relationship, both your house, and theoretically a joint life, you have joint financials, therefore as far as i see it, its a joint responsibility across the board

any man that holds his other half over a barrel due to money is pathetic in my opinion
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