Husband is depressed and it is destroying our finances

System · 16 May 2017 at 8:44PM

I was born and raised in a seaside town. Out of everyone who I grew up with and who I went to school with almost everyone, myself included, have left. Those who remain are on the bones of their backsides in very poor paying jobs struggling to make ends meet.

Seaside resorts tend to be in the rear-end of nowhere with very poor major road network access and as a result very little in the way of decent work as companies aren't interested in being there unless they're orientated around tourism. Even jobs you think would pay well, say plumbers etc, don't because people in the local area are skint.

ReadingTim · 17 May 2017 at 9:47AM

Rainbowgirl84 wrote: »

It's the Isle of Wight and Ofsted. Should people avoid where you were educated?

They can if they want to, but I know where I'd avoid more. The fact of the matter is that the OP says the the Isle of Wight is pretty cheap compared to where she is now.

That story illustrates why it's cheap.

nkkingston · 17 May 2017 at 3:48PM

Oof, Surrey! The good news if you can move pretty much anywhere in the country and it'll be cheaper, short of London. You wouldn't believe what my parents got in Cornwall for selling their house in Surrey. Of course, that was part of their retirement planning - there's not a lot of work in Cornwall and what there is is very seasonal, so probably won't suit a young family. The North could work, though - you could buy yourself some financial breathing space, the cost of living is cheaper, and there's a lot more work in the cities up here than in the South West. And we have some gorgeous coastlines...

I am very pro moving out of Surrey, as you can tell! However, that doesn't mean it's the right solution for you, or it might be the right solution but at the wrong time. Moving is hard, and making new friends is even harder as an adult, but if there's somewhere with a built in support system you can make things easier on yourselves. Where have your friends from school / university ended up? You might be surprised at how keen people will be to reconnect, and at the very least they'll be able to share information about what their areas are like so you can make informed decisions. You also have the advantage of soon-to-be-school-age kids, so you can connect with other parents.

Your husband needs to find a different job if he's at a toxic workplace; all the phased returning in the world won't help if the environment is actively damaging the people in it. I definitely agree with talking to him about how he feels his recovery is going, and discuss his options moving forwards. It can be hard to imagine changing jobs when you're depressed - you assume everyone else feels about you the same way you do, and no one would hire you - but taking a break to be a stay at home dad, or moving into an entirely different sector for a bit could help remind him that work doesn't have to be a stressful and grim experience.

EssexHebridean · 17 May 2017 at 4:10PM

On the question of moving costs:
Legal fees (typically anywhere from £795 upwards, plus VAT) - per property bought/sold
Stamp Duty - google for the HMRC online calculator and remember you can't add Stamp duty to a mortgage, you'd need to take it out of equity.
land registry fees - dependant on property value but likely to be £135 upwards
Searches - anything from £250 upwards depending on what's needed
other oddments - land reg & bankruptcy searches, cost for information packs if your existing property is leasehold, notice fees if what you buy is leasehold.
Removal costs - expensive for Island moves as you'll get charged ferry costs for the removal truck (both ways) and probably a couple of nights accommodation for the chaps doing it, too.

Not saying "Don't" but just furnishing you wish some rough figures that might help inform the decision. I'd certainly ensure that OH has a job lined up and ready to go when you get there - otherwise you could really be in problems.

I sympathise with him as it's vile being in an unpleasant working environment. Has he had all relevant discussions with his HR department so they are aware that work is a factor in his absence? You said his work is relatively easy to come by - can he make steps to research companies he might find better to work for an start job hunting with them sooner rather than later?

Fireflyaway · 17 May 2017 at 5:13PM

The depression sounds like the cause of your troubles but what is the cause of the depression? A year is a long time to be signed off. Moving will cost money and potentially be very unsettling and your husband might still be depressed afterwards anyway.
Does your husband talk freely about his illness? Can you make some other changes? If its his job could he leave and find another job? Has he tried to change his diet / exercise or is there a family issue ? Is he medicated? The reason I ask is I'm not sure moving would help that much, you would still be taking your problems with you. Better to find the cause of the depression and get your husbands health on track. A depressed person is not in the best frame of mind to make critical decisions such as moving to a new area, or worse, he might go along with what you suggest because he lacks energy or motivation to do otherwise and then end up regretting it. He might also feel inadequate for 'causing' your financial issues so reassure him you are not angry and encourage him to do what makes him happy. Getting your 'permission' to leave his job might really help. As a man he probably feels a duty to provide and doesn't want to let you or the kids down even if he hates his job.

DrWatson1 · 19 May 2017 at 7:15AM

Tough spot. The only practical advice I could offer is that moving will probably not help, and may well exacerbate your problems. Moving house is a stressful experience, and could therefore make your husband's depression worse.

You and your husband probably need to speak to your GP about alternative treatments, such as CBT which can help to treat the root cause of the problem, which pills obviously do not. Getting some exercise, particularly in green space, has also been proven to be as effective as anti-depressants and CBT in treating depression.

Finally, it also sounds like work may be a key factor. There is no point doing a job you hate if it makes you miserable, so examining every other option here should also be a priority.

jackieblack · 19 May 2017 at 7:30AM

Don't just assume you'll easily be able to get a school place for your child at a convenient local school if you move...
School places for September have already been allocated and good schools will be fully subscribed with waiting lists and induction will be starting in the next few weeks.

buglawton · 19 May 2017 at 7:53AM

Rainbowgirl84 wrote: »

It's the Isle of Wight and Ofsted. Should people avoid where you were educated?

Probably a victim of spelling autocorrect on a device

PasturesNew · 19 May 2017 at 7:58AM

The Isle of Wight might look lovely on paper, or in the summer, but to live/work there it doesn't have a good name.

There are few jobs and you're "trapped" on the Isle, unable to leave without paying HUGE ferry fees ... and limited in where you can look for work or what you can buy.

If you read more about living there you see people struggling and moaning - and they don't have much choice because it's an island. They can't "go another couple of miles" in either direction to find the houses, shops, jobs they want/need, they're imprisoned. Especially without spare money to splash about ... without spare money you can't just get on that ferry for XYZ reason on a whim.

BettyBoof · 19 May 2017 at 10:49AM

I agree with the other posters re seaside towns being dead in the summer and often lacking in public transport etc. BUT the North East coast (I'm thinking of Whitley Bay as I type this) could be a good option. The Metro train can have you in Newcastle in 25 mins which gives more employment opportunities and Whitley Bay itself doesn't close down out of season, it's always a fairly vibrant community. Great schools, massive investment and house prices way below those in Surrey (though not less than £150k) make it a viable option for those wanting sea air without the usual down sides. (Weather isn't as good as the South of the country though!)

I am tempted to urge caution about a move as others have done but sometimes, a big change is what's needed to shake things up. You have no family ties or strong feelings about where you live, this could be a great opportunity to build the life you want.

How does your husband feel about a move?

Husband is depressed and it is destroying our finances

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