Money Moral Dilemma: Should I buy an engagement gift for my fiance?
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His attitude is a road to nowhere. Selfishness doesn't come out of the blue. Danger ahead.0
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ringo_24601 wrote: »I see feminism is alive and well in this thread
Why shouldn't a girl give an equal engagement gift to the man? Maybe your father could help pay for it.
Are you less important and able to provide for this relationship? Or.. have you just bought into several decades of stereotypes and marketing?
I don't think anybody would have objected to her buying him a gift, its really the demanding/insisting and the fact that he's telling her how much to spend when she isn't in a great financial position that's the issue.
Unless she demanded an engagement ring and specified the cost knowing it would be more than he could comfortably afford, in that case then I suppose it might be equal!0 -
Kazykazbar wrote: »don't forget that the ring no matter what remains his until you marry that is the promise made .
This is not necessarily true; the legal situation depends on which jurisdiction you're in. In England and Wales the presumption is that it's an outright gift, so no legal obligation to return it unless the giver can rebut that presumption by proving that it was conditional upon the marriage. In other places (I believe several US states) the presumption is the other way around and it's assumed conditional.
As to the dilemma in general... it is absolutely not being a "Scrooge" to consider your current finances and if you can really afford to be making large non-essential purchases. I'm all for giving engagement gifts (this is the 21st century, why the hell not!), but this should be something done freely and not as a quid pro quo entitlement with required budget match on the ring. If he was just thinking it'd be a nice idea and is understanding of the lack of funds/poor timing then I wouldn't worry about it - just mentally bank the idea for another time when you do have some spare funds. If he really is stuck on the notion and resentful of you not wanting to spend beyond your means, then that suggests some conflicting views on financial priorities that you should address before the wedding.0 -
I bought my wife's engagement ring, I wanted to give her something super special so designed a ring with an artisan jeweller and it cost a fair bit.
I did not expect anything in return other than hoping she'd say yes, and she did! I then spent more money on a really nice matching wedding ring.
I think the issue here is, why does he seem so keen to get a watch out of this arrangement? Surely it's up to you whether you give him something in return, and not for him to decide, since I imagine he decided himself alone to ask for your hand, and also to furnish it with an engagement ring of his budget.0 -
Is this another cobbled-up MSE moral dilemma? I can't believe anyone getting engaged/married would rather have advice from strangers than discuss it with the future 'other half'. If it's a real question, I fear for the future of the relationship.0
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She didn't need to, society pretty much demanded that already. Forget the watch and get a refund on the ring as well. I know she says she loves the ring, but ultimately it's a very expensive trinket. Both are just tokens, so if money is an issue then better to put your resources towards something meaningful: saving for your life together.Red-Squirrel wrote: »Unless she demanded an engagement ring and specified the cost knowing it would be more than he could comfortably afford, in that case then I suppose it might be equal!you don't need a husband who thinks an expensive watch is a good idea. They play no part in life these days except to say my banker salary is bigger than yours
And this applies equally to expensive diamond rings.
I'm really shocked by replies along the lines of "he doesn't get a watch in return, he just gets to marry you", as if one month's salary is the going rate for a woman! Call me a romantic but I think marriage is about two people providing companionship, trying to be kind each other, and committing to building a life together. At the very least that should be everybody's intention going in! Sure the theatrics around rings and dresses and honeymoons might be nice if you can afford it and can stomach or dispel the reek of out-of-date gender politics. But if you can't afford all that stuff that's fine, because it's all symbolic and therefore disposable.
But if you're going to have symbols, then at least think about whether they symbolise things you believe in. For me, the symbol of a woman agreeing to marriage in exchange for a whole month's salary spent on an overpriced sparkly trinket is not something I'd want to subscribe to!
Incidentally, I do know a couple where the female bought her partner a designer watch when they got engaged, for about the same price as her ring. I don't know who's idea it was but when they explained it they both agreed that "it's only fair".0 -
Agree with the other posts warning against men (or anyone) demanding expensive gifts. Fifty plus years ago I gave my husband to be some gold cuff links as an engagement present but he certainly didn't ask for them. By the way, engagement rings were around well before the 1930s - my grandmother had one in 1900.0
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Grow up, get real, show a bit of common are some of the things that came to mind whilst reading about your dilemma.
Getting married is usually a time when resources never seem to cover requirements. Buy him a Timex and tell him the rest will go towards kitting out the bedroom. If he wants a Rolex, tell him he can sleep with IT on the floor in a different room LOL!
xx GL & fingers crossed he realises what you're both getting into. D0 -
See, what he should have done is spent 1/2 as much on the engagement ring and then spend the rest on his watchGrow up, get real, show a bit of common are some of the things that came to mind whilst reading about your dilemma.
Getting married is usually a time when resources never seem to cover requirements. Buy him a Timex and tell him the rest will go towards kitting out the bedroom. If he wants a Rolex, tell him he can sleep with IT on the floor in a different room LOL!
xx GL & fingers crossed he realises what you're both getting into. D
Why should the women be the one getting a gift as part of an engagement, and not a man? It's absolute hypocrisy.0 -
Before bashing the bloke like many have done I would like to know about the ring. Did she expect or demand a ring of a certain value etc? One of my now exes would literally only wear a ring costing £3k anything less was not worth it to her. I'm glad to say we are no longer together and I never did buy her that ring either though at that time I did want to marry her!
The problem in todays society both men and women put a price on everything.0
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