Divorce Advice

Comms69 · 22 February 2018 at 1:54PM

DigForVictory wrote: »

Let me check I understand?
He cheated on you.
After months of him not taking any restorative steps & getting sozzled & hogging the marital bed, you left.
As you have a roof over your head, he thinks you should reward his infidelity & low income by allowing him to keep your former joint family home entirely.
The children agree with him.

Dear lady, you need a lawyer & earplugs.

A lawyer to keep as much of the family home as is rightly & properly yours & to fight tooth & nail for every ha'penny.
Earplugs until your children realise they are supporting behaviour that is shameful. As you very correctly point out "he should have thought of all of that".

Go write two Wills. One leaving everything to a charity, with a letter saying that since your husband betrayed his vows & apparently has taught your children to think this is reasonable, they get not a tuppence from you. (Pick a large one, with a hearty legal department.)
Not even the innocent grandchild who is being raised in Australia, as if the daughter is thinking dad is in the right, then I would no longer be certain the grandson is any bloodkin of mine.
Not the just-turned 21 year old son either, since he's too young to appreciate vows, decency, dignity & appears to think dad should be rewarded whilst cashing in on his maternal grandmother's prudence.

Also draw up a second Will, leaving all your estate & your mothers home to your family as you might have done had your husband predeceased you.

Then ask the lawyer to write to the chidlren explaining there are two Wills, and which you have signed he may not reveal, but simply, unless they either shut up or realise that someone is in the wrong and it isn't mum, then the financial support stops. Not a penny whilst you live and not a penny when you eventually die. (You'll need it to pay his fees, after all.)

The sooner Dad's support is cut off, the sooner he'll come to negotiate, but until then you do not need to hear the infant echoes of his whining.

It's impossible to have two legal wills

Tom99 · 22 February 2018 at 2:55PM

Comms69 wrote: »

It's impossible to have two legal wills

Its a pretty silly suggestion but the idea was that only one of the wills would be signed but nobody would be told which one.

Savvy_Sue · 22 February 2018 at 11:28PM

Given that the OP is in Scotland, I do not think that she can completely disinherit her offspring, but I agree that legal advice is required, and also telling the children that it is up to her to resolve her marital issues without their input would also be a good step.

TBagpuss · 23 February 2018 at 12:42PM

OP, I agree that you should get advice about what you are legally entitled to (probably half the house, but may be diferent, I am not sure how close Scottish law is to English)

Then, decide what you feel comfortable with. Which might include agreeing to a settlement which is less that you *could* claim, but which you feel is reasonable, taking into account things such as your relationships with your children.

Some thing s to think about:

- How much is the house worth? How much is the equity?
- If your ex had 50% of the equity, how much would he have to borrow to be able to buy a modest 2 bed house of flat? (If the house was large enough for you and your children, then while he wouldn't be able to buy you out and stay there, without needing a mortgage, he might be able to afford a smaller property, suitable for his needs as a single man, without a mortgage or with a much smaller mortgage. You could think about whether to offer him a deal which is based on what would allow him to rehouse, even if that means that you get a bit less in total than you'd be entitled to)

In relation to the children's attitude it is difficult, but it may be that simply saying to them something like "I don't understand. Why do you think that I should have nothing from 30 years of marriage?" might help them to look at it in a different way. It sounds as though their dad may be telling them he'll be homeless if you are not willing to sign the house over, so later on, it might be reasonable to let them know that he won't be, he will just need to decide whether he wants to stay put but have a mortgage, or to downsize and be mortgage-free / have a much smaller mortgage.

Or just explain to them that you are perfectly happy to sign the house over to him, if he is able to pay you for your share of it!

Bear in mind that even though they are adults, they are still your children and they are probably dealing with the upset of their mum and dad splitting up, and possibly upset at the thought of their home being sold, so they may well not be viewing things very rationally, even if they think that they are. I know it is hard to try to make allowances for other people's emotional reactions when you are dealing with your own emotional reactions, but it may be useful to keep in mind that the children are almost certainly not seeing things very clearly or calmly at the moment. That and it is easy to give away someone else's money!

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