Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think you're being selfish or unreasonable at all. You have your sister's best interests at heart, and often when something sounds, looks and feels so WRONG, it is wrong.

How old is your sister? This sounds like a teenage crush to me, but the fact that your sister has a 4 yr old child makes me think differently! The basics are there though - rushing into things, making huge plans, sacrificing life, losing all common sense...

I think you should sit down with your sister and be really honest with her. Tell her your concerns about this guy, about the speed of things, about her DD. Try to be rational and calm about it, don't make her angry at you. Just try to explain things from your POV (and maybe get your mum in on it too?).

At the end of the day, you cannot stop her from going if she really wants to go. You may disagree and think it's wrong, but it is her decision. All you can do is tell her how you feel.

Dont suppose the new bloke's name is Dave and has ginger hair does he?

This sounds exactly like a friend of mine, or at least how she used to be before she woke up.

She met this bloke (Dave ) and got serious with him really quickly, it was almost as if he had some sort of hypnotic hold over her. He was very controlling, she stopped having friends over, lost contact with her family, moved around a lot & didn't give out her new address etc etc.

He wasn't abusive as such (in the physical sense) but he definitely controlled her and her sons. She thought he was caring :rolleyes: when he took charge, she couldn't see how not normal it actually was. It went on for years, friends and family all tried to speak to her about him but she was so blinkered it was a waste of time.

Eventually years later she woke up and left him thank God. It did take a long time though.

Imo, it doesn't matter what you say or do OP, it will fall on deaf ears. You have to let her get on with it and be prepared to be the safety blanket if and when she decides she might have made a mistake.

You never know, things might just work out. :undecided

Hi,
I did something rather similar when I met my husband. I was 23, very naiive, and had been quite lonely for a while. Then this guy came along, treated me like a princess, made me the centre of his universe, wanted to be with me all the time, couldn't bear to be without me, and it made me feel wonderful. I didn't feel the need to go out with my mates anymore, I forgot about my family completely, and put no effort into seeing/contacting them. It was as if i was under his spell.

I was engaged to him within 2 weeks of us meeting, and within 3 months we'd bought a house together, and were married within the year. I was pregnant a month after the wedding, and that was it; I was completely ensconced in this new life. I wasn't unhappy in it, and I didn't see what was wrong in wanting to spend every waking hour with my new b/friend/husband.

My sister did ask me out for a drink one night, and gently aired her views, and told me that my parents felt neglected and hurt by being ignored by me, but I'd not had a fab relationship with them so wasn't that bothered, but I did feel sorry for my sister, as we had spent lots of time together.

It took several years for me to finally become aware of how my husband's love, had actually been a means of him to control me too. I didn't doubt his love for me, but he was insecure and feared losing me, or worried people would talk me out of being with him.

You need to approach this carefully, because if you go in all guns blazing telling her she's making a mistake, etc., she'll probably just report it back to him, and he'll tell her they just don't understand how much they love each other and just want to spend their lives together, etc. She clearly doesn't feel threatened by him, as she's shown no evidence of it, and seems in her text to be happy. I so well remember the 'walking on air' feeling of infatuated love. Mine lasted like that for about 3 years. It was only when he had to work away because he'd got us in to lots of debt that I came down to earth with a big bump!

You can tell her how much you miss her, and say you understand that she's in love, and wants to be with her new fiance a lot, but gently remind her that you are still there, you love her, and really miss her. If that bit goes well, then just recount my story, or something similar, and say that whilst you know she's happy, and hope it works out well for her, you are worried that she may be being controlled somewhat by the new fiance, because he loves her and fears losing her (not coz he's a nut case), but she needs to ensure that to be a good wife, she keeps a bit of independence for herself too, as that's what he obviously fell in love with to begin with.

The point about needing to be married for her to go with him is probably true, but it will depend upon where he goes as to where she goes. She could end up in this country in married quarters, while he goes off to an unsafe area. I know someone in the RAF who is currently stationed near Las Vegas, but he's a pilot, and is flying a particular kind of plane there, so it's an unusual posting. I'm not sure what posting would take her to the USA with the army?

Without knowing how long your sister has been stuck on her own with her daughter, and whether the child's father is on the scene, or what her personal life has been like, it may be that this guy is perceived to be her 'knight in shining armour'. He's taking her and her child on, and making the ultimate romantic gesture of wanting to marry her into the bargain! If she's been on her own for a while, it may be that happy coupledom, and married domestic bliss is what she's been wanting all along, and this guy is offering her that, and fast!

I agree with you that he sounds controlling, and that for her to have turned her back on you all so quickly hurts, but she clearly isn't seeing that.

You need to make sure that if she is going off with this guy, that she feels able to call you whenever, and from wherever, and you'll still always be there for her. There would be nothing worse than for her to feel she left her family on bad terms, and all the things you said would go wrong do, and she doesn't feel able to call for help. Perhaps you can make it clear that wherever she goes, you fully intend to visit, so she had better make up a spare room for you! Knowing that you aren't letting her go completely, will hopefully ensure she can always come back to you. Keep the lines of communication open, and get her to promise to email, etc., and say setting up her facebook would really help with that.

It occurred to me, if your neice's father is still on the scene, he could object to her being taken out of the country, and he would definitely have to agree to her changing her surname legally. I assume he isn't around, or even named on the birth certificate for her to be going ahead as she is?

Curious_George wrote: »

sorry, very long and ranty!


anyway.... last week i got a text (a TEXT!) saying that she is getting married, probably next month and then as he is in the army when he gets stationed at the end of feb they will be moving away and she said the choices are all really far away (far like USA type far...)

Hiya, my hubby is in the forces, and so far, in 12 years, he's never been given choices of where to get posted. He has been able to express an opinion of where he would like to go, but quite often that has been ignored.


apparently they find out in 2 weeks where he is to be stationed next and they have a certain amount of time to get married or he has to go without her (and they say romance is dead)

I find this a bit weird, why would she not be able to go with him later?


I cant help the way i feel about it, but im worried my fears are all purely selfish and my reaction has been unreasonable (except about the text thing, i know im right to be angry about that!!! lol)

I would be worried too if I were you. It's all happened quite quickly, but you never know, they could be made for each other. I definitely think ou should try and talk to your sister, and voice your concerns, but not by having a go and judging her. Just tell her how you feel and see if she's really ok with all of this.

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I would be worried about the situation 2 not about a whirl wind romance this things happen and can work but the fact she has shut herself off from you and the family but like others have said she will do what she wants i no this from personal expierance just thought eveyone was being mean about my ex when they questioned what i was doing and i had to wake up and realise for myself he was no good for me and had to get out, all you can do is let her no you will always be ther 4 her and her daughter and be waiting to help not waiting to say i told you so
Hope it gets sorted for you and your sister is ok