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More houseshare hassles
top_drawer_2
Posts: 2,469 Forumite
hi all,
A few days ago I decided to do a few jobs around my shared house, thinking it would be helpful as the others all work (30+ hrs) and I dont (f/t at uni). One of the girls asked ages ago about having more cupboard space as she has ended up with very little. Another flatmate and I agreed that the solution was to clear an area in front of our shared fridges (stacked up with clean washing up), we commented that if we put them on the kitchen top they would be likely to stay there and we would have to work around them forever more. She stated "if it were me I would move them to the lounge table" this way the cupboard behind would be available. So on Sunday along with a few other jobs I tackled moving them. I left a note attempting to explain (we use a kids hetch a sketch to leave notes for each other).
One of the other tenants came home and started going mad - she seemed to have a lot to say about me to our other flatmate (who was her friend before she moved in). Most of what she had to say wasnt clear as I have hearing probs, then she stormed down the hall to my room demanding why I had done this etc. The majority of these items had nothing to do either of these people, they've been there for months and I really just wanted to check they were not *anyone's* before I moved them on (past tenants seem to leave a lot of stuff behind when they dont want it).
I was mainly upset/rattled by her aggressionand feel that she completely over-reacted. I was very upset on Sunday by it, especially since i'd already been feelin quite "rough" Ive suffered with long-term depression (none of the others have any idea about this) and its been suggested that I should "Do" something to try and avoid having to think/mop about/get stressed about things and this has proved to be helpful sometimes lol.
I emailed both of them on facebook (another way they communicate in this house) to apoligise if I had offended them and explaining the above (i.e no bad intention was meant). Since then I saw her in town and I'm fairly sure she ignored me ... (someone has suggested that maybe she thinks I ignored her) and she's avoided eye contact (although i've been keeping out of her way lol).
The thing is I'm the wuss in this situation... she is *much* more outgoing than me. She is also much more popular than me in the house etc. I'm very quiet and I very much doubt that any of them really *know* that much about me, although I make efforts to paint everything as rosy anyway as no-one wants to listen to someone tell them
I'm in my third year at uni and really didnt really want to have to move again but tbh i'm sick of this sort of situation, last time it was something similar and there's other stuff which has happened in this house. No-one in this house tends to change the bin, tidy up and somehow I end up doing it - how does everyone else cope with all these situations? and what the hell do I do now?
Thanks for any advice.
Jen
A few days ago I decided to do a few jobs around my shared house, thinking it would be helpful as the others all work (30+ hrs) and I dont (f/t at uni). One of the girls asked ages ago about having more cupboard space as she has ended up with very little. Another flatmate and I agreed that the solution was to clear an area in front of our shared fridges (stacked up with clean washing up), we commented that if we put them on the kitchen top they would be likely to stay there and we would have to work around them forever more. She stated "if it were me I would move them to the lounge table" this way the cupboard behind would be available. So on Sunday along with a few other jobs I tackled moving them. I left a note attempting to explain (we use a kids hetch a sketch to leave notes for each other).
One of the other tenants came home and started going mad - she seemed to have a lot to say about me to our other flatmate (who was her friend before she moved in). Most of what she had to say wasnt clear as I have hearing probs, then she stormed down the hall to my room demanding why I had done this etc. The majority of these items had nothing to do either of these people, they've been there for months and I really just wanted to check they were not *anyone's* before I moved them on (past tenants seem to leave a lot of stuff behind when they dont want it).
I was mainly upset/rattled by her aggressionand feel that she completely over-reacted. I was very upset on Sunday by it, especially since i'd already been feelin quite "rough" Ive suffered with long-term depression (none of the others have any idea about this) and its been suggested that I should "Do" something to try and avoid having to think/mop about/get stressed about things and this has proved to be helpful sometimes lol.
I emailed both of them on facebook (another way they communicate in this house) to apoligise if I had offended them and explaining the above (i.e no bad intention was meant). Since then I saw her in town and I'm fairly sure she ignored me ... (someone has suggested that maybe she thinks I ignored her) and she's avoided eye contact (although i've been keeping out of her way lol).
The thing is I'm the wuss in this situation... she is *much* more outgoing than me. She is also much more popular than me in the house etc. I'm very quiet and I very much doubt that any of them really *know* that much about me, although I make efforts to paint everything as rosy anyway as no-one wants to listen to someone tell them
I'm in my third year at uni and really didnt really want to have to move again but tbh i'm sick of this sort of situation, last time it was something similar and there's other stuff which has happened in this house. No-one in this house tends to change the bin, tidy up and somehow I end up doing it - how does everyone else cope with all these situations? and what the hell do I do now?
Thanks for any advice.
Jen
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Comments
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Hey up duck,
No advice really, it just seems you have bizzare housemates although I can safely say that no one ever seems to change the bin or clean up (unless its me) in this house too.
Have you housemates replied on facebook? If not I think you should just take a deep breath and go and knock on their door and chat to them about what you apparently did wrong. Good luck.There are many things in life that will catch your eye, only a few will catch your heart. Pursue those.0 -
Leave them a note each explaining how you feel. It will be up to them then to respond. Id just stick to cleaning your mess even if its hard I bet they will soon notice.
Dont let people walk all over you Im not saying dont be civil, but,do whats best for you not them.
Have confidence in you, this girl may not be as confident as she seems. Im sure you will be very suprised how much you are liked. People may be pretending to like this girl as they too may feel intimidated.0 -
The phase "wind yer neck in" seems appropriate for your housemate, apologise if you feel you should but don't let her walk over you.0
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I guess it's a sign of the times, but I was totally gobsmacked that you live in the same house yet communicate with each other on Facebook and via email. Is this normal?
I actually think this can be a bad thing, as it is easy to mis-read and mistake people's intentions when things are written down rather than by saying this face to face.
I'd be tempted to try and get all the house together for what we used to call a 'house meeting' (I'm sure it has some new social-networking-site techie name now!), and bake a cake/share a bottle of wine/make a pot of tea, and just discuss the issues. You all have to live together, so you really need to sort out what the problems are and try and find ways of solving them.
And if that still doesn't work then you may have to look for somewhere else to live - but at least you've done your best!
Good luck, and hugs.
:grouphug:0 -
Hugs! I know what it's like living with difficult people. First year of uni was ok - I got on with my flatmates but didn't really know them all that well and ensuite bathrooms and halls cleaner made things easy! Second year was terrible, chose to live in a house with a group of friends, and it's funny how you think someone is great until you try to live with them, third year different house with different group of friends - we argued over whos turn it was to pay the gas so after moving in in September, from November the gas was cut off and we were just all absolutely freezing (by third year though I spent most of my time in the library studying and at friend's houses nearer uni who had heating!!) I'm now a bit older and having issues with the lodger in our house - for example how the F*** does he get toothpaste so high up the wall?!?!
Don't take it personally at all, living with people inevitably causes tension. My advice would be NO NOTES!! They always lead to trouble, I've not heard of a note to a housemate making things better.
Talk to them, in person. Perhaps bring a couple of cups of tea to their room, or jammy dodgers, and just say why you did what you did, how you hoped it would help, thought they would like it, sorry it's not exactly as they wanted, what would they like to change with you to make it better?
You'll probably also find like I did, that when you move out you can all stick on rose tinted glasses and suddenly you're great friends again and can only remember the good times you had together when you meet up with them.:heart2: Give blood. :female: Use a mooncup.
But ensure the two are not connected!0 -
A very funny book if anyone has ever had to endure a house share. Leaving notes for each other probably isn't the best form of communication but some of them can be pretty amusing http://www.waterstones.com/waterstonesweb/displayProductDetails.do?sku=5821903,___,
(oVo)
/)vvv)
/m m0 -
it just seems you have bizzare housemates although I can safely say that no one ever seems to change the bin or clean up (unless its me) in this house too.
Have you housemates replied on facebook?
[FONT="]True, they’re not like anyone else I’ve ever lived with, they seem to make an effort to jump to negative conclusions - I rewrote that note several times to make sure it sounded right and still it managed to offend someone! I have seen some of the notes which the others have left and some of them are nothing less than damm right offensive, but they don't get half the hassles that I’ve had over this. I just feel really embarrassed now (like I’m in the wrong or summat), I know one of my housemates "knows" + the other girls friend and I’m worried about their opinion on it. As with many things what’s right isn't always what people say is right IYSWIM, so they may all be saying the same thing as her.
The other girl replied on facebook. She just said that there was no need and she thinks we (royal we, I think) were just stressed about other stuff + its nearly a week + i'm a wuss. However, she seemed to ignore me when I saw her in town so i've not a clue what is with her.Id just stick to cleaning your mess even if its hard I bet they will soon notice.
Dont let people walk all over you Im not saying dont be civil, but,do whats best for you not them.
Have confidence in you, this girl may not be as confident as she seems
[/FONT] It is hard and it’s my home, I hate it being a mess and already know that somehow I can be cast in the wrong whatever I do... and that if I didn’t do it (change bin etc) then it would just stay like that forever! have been trying not to do so much this past couple of days but I don’t think they’ll make a connection TBH. Honestly, they don’t want to do it themselves/get involved in any way but they want it done their way – last week another flatmate (who also never tidies up!) spoke to me about using the grouser on the kitchen top as she thought it wasn’t right to wash dishes with it too.
[FONT="]She is just very confident in herself and I find her very intimidating, honestly I look uglier next to her somehow even! I feel seriously old (she’s older than me) and boring I guess next to her, I cant even find something to say to her most of the time (she isn't here much) and when I do it sounds ridiculous afterwards.The phase "wind yer neck in" seems appropriate for your housemate, apologise if you feel you should but don't let her walk over you.
[/FONT] [FONT="]lol I’d be worried about provoking her even more (!!). She is very outspoken where I'm not and sometimes I need time to think over something and then to articulate how I feel about it IYSWIM.BlondeHeadOn wrote: »Is this normal?
yep, it is in this house! they have alsorts of strange ideas like when I first moved in they complained (in another note pushed under my door) about a variety of things. One was that I put my maiden up in the large lounge (normal practise in any house i've ever lived in) as it "wasn't nice for visitors to look at" but they line their knickers/thongs and bras up on the radiators to dry them!!BlondeHeadOn wrote: »I'd be tempted to try and get all the house together for what we used to call a 'house meeting'
They seem to all prefer to stick their heads in the sand. The last person to complain about the situation with cleaning (the ones who can be bothered does everything) did not make herself any more popular and it bombed too. She always seems to be out in the cold in the group somehow.
[/quote]
And if that still doesn't work then you may have to look for somewhere else to live - but at least you've done your best!
[/quote]
lol yeh, this is only the second houseshare in a year and you would not believe some of the places I viewed till I eventually found this one - it was literally the only one that was a reasonable price and a decent place.
[/FONT]purplelotus wrote: »Second year was terrible, chose to live in a house with a group of friends, and it's funny how you think someone is great until you try to live with them, third year different house with different group of friends - we argued over whos turn it was to pay the gas so after moving in in September, from November the gas was cut off and we were just all absolutely freezing (by third year though I spent most of my time in the library studying and at friend's houses nearer uni who had heating!!) I'm now a bit older and having issues with the lodger in our house - for example how the F*** does he get toothpaste so high up the wall?!?!
[FONT="]It is amazing how your perception of someone changes when you live with them! Someone who was fun to be around is suddenly less fun when you have to put up with their slovenly ways all the time.
Thankfully, the rent includes all the bills anyway, although it does cause problems with fighting over the thermostat as one persons warm is another’s chilly- I wake up with a tan some mornings!
lol re the book - I think I could add a few to that too after living in this house!
Jen
[/FONT]0 -
hey again,
Well more than a week has gone by now and this housemate hasn't spoke to me since last Sunday. She has started cleaning up after herself a little more and I noticed that some binbags/washing up liquid etc have appeared although this could well be one of the others too.
I'm baffled tbh as to how something so minor can cause all this, we barely talk and I dont know her that well so there's no previous to a/c for. It feels like a form of control and Ive worried myself silly about what the others think but I guess its not really any huge impact (unless I let it) on me as she wasnt my friend anyhow. I have been worried about being in the lounge etc just in case she comes in - my lower regions turn to water when I hear a key in the door just in case its her and I listen for sounds to see whose in the kitchen. I'm such a wuss.
Jen0 -
top_drawer wrote: »hey again,
Well more than a week has gone by now and this housemate hasn't spoke to me since last Sunday. She has started cleaning up after herself a little more and I noticed that some binbags/washing up liquid etc have appeared although this could well be one of the others too.
I'm baffled tbh as to how something so minor can cause all this, we barely talk and I dont know her that well so there's no previous to a/c for. It feels like a form of control and Ive worried myself silly about what the others think but I guess its not really any huge impact (unless I let it) on me as she wasnt my friend anyhow. I have been worried about being in the lounge etc just in case she comes in - my lower regions turn to water when I hear a key in the door just in case its her and I listen for sounds to see whose in the kitchen. I'm such a wuss.
Jen
could of been her totm and was a bit pre/post menstral?
I know i fly off the handle around that timeLife is about give and take, if you can't give why should you take?0 -
I have considered that along with that she could have had a rough day (she has recently taken her car off the road due to financial problems) but then why continue to ignore me!!! She's outgoing etc - I doubt it would be much to her to say Sorry I flew off the handle at you earlier, Im having a rough time etc.... I was upset because you touched my lucky pan/looked at me wrong or offended my mojo etc.
Jen0
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