Complete shock! Please help/ advise!

Anonymousa · 6 June 2010 at 4:07AM

Sarsie wrote: »

No you're not, but you've got the question answered anyway, even if you never understood it!

So your priority is US not ME. Right so on with where I was going with that...

If your priority is US and what's best for you both as a unit then wfirst thing I'm gonna say is break with convention (for her certainly) and throw it all out there in the open. You're gonna need to sleep, but when you wake up in the morning I suggest the very first thing you do is come clean. Tell her what you did and what you now know.

She'll hit the roof, and no pregnant isn't a good time for it, but there's never a good time for it and you're gonna have a lot more on your plate when the baby is born. Listen to yourself, this has really got to you, waking up in the morning and pretending everything is Ok and the debt isn't happening is what got her to the point she's at. Being scared to lose you because you were valuable to her probably had a huge part in it too.

So I'm saying tomorrow, you need to fix both of those problems first off. The part where all the letters get opened as a couple and the truth starts to be peiced together one bit at a time happens later. The immediate first step is tell her and get that silent secrecy off her, second thing is make sure she understands you love her and aren't leaving her. Being angry at her wont help, but even though many would I don't hear anger in your writing, I hear fear. That's two scared people, the only way out is honesty.

The fact that she's due to have a baby only makes it more urgent, you will not have a braincell to yourself in 4 weeks time- not for weeks, for months even years with some kids. Babies teach you a whole new level of exhaustion. Exhaustion frays nerves and tempers and if this secret doesn't out itself now, in a good healthy way, it'll likely come out in a dreadful way, like halfway through a fight that started about who didn't put the bins out or somesuch. This is a problem caused by leaving things alone, the only answer is to deal with them. You've got to talk to her in the morning, you really have Honey.

I know Westcot well, (b*stards), there will likely be other debts too, in different stages of decay. We can't tell you what's gonna happen next till we know what the whole situation is, and no one's gonna know that till she's able to sit there and do a list of every every debt she has. That's not gonna happen till after that talk I am advising you to have, so I can't answer the questions yet Honey. That stage will come.

Anything they can do, they can't do tonight, they're not gonna do it tomorrow either, and even if they found out where she lives and with whom this very second taking your house or wealth away from you would take them months yet and can be stopped in its tracks. So, get some sleep and tomorrow start talking. Come clean, say you're not running from her you will help her and you love her, then when they crying and the shouting and the inevitable fight is through you can start on finding out what is actually IN those letters.

One bit at a time- first bit- no more secrets.

Thanks. I'm going back to bed now, but I'm confused as well. You seem to be suggesting that my house could be at risk at some point, whereas someone else says it can't be! I know it's all a long way off. I'm not panicking, apart from about the point when I'm telling her I went through her mail <insert smiley that doesn't exist> .

And I don't have any secrets. Never had any debt beyond a mortgage, hence it's all a bit of a mystery to me! Edit: except I opened a bit of mail. That's a secret! !!!!!

Anonymousa · 6 June 2010 at 4:07AM

I will come back to this when I wake up! Thanks all.

Sarsie · 6 June 2010 at 4:29AM

You seem to be suggesting that my house could be at risk at some point, whereas someone else says it can't be!
No I'm saying nothing is at risk now that needs you to panic, I was trying to reassure you a bit because you seem very scared.

And I don't have any secrets.
I never thought you did.

Nevermind, anything I say is not sounding to you like it sounded to me, so look here's a summary of exactly what I've been trying to say. I'm gonna stop trying ok, coz the last thing I want is this cross wires stuff.

1. You've got to talk to her asap- it's the only way.
2. Nothing that you are frightened of is gonna happen coz there's stuff you can do, so don't stress unneccassarily.
3. When you know more of the story post it, we'll take it from there.

never-in-doubt · 6 June 2010 at 4:36AM

Anonymousa wrote: »

I've no idea how old it is! Because she won't be working (just started mat leave, unlikely to go back), and incidentally will be changing her name back from her married name, which the debt is in (she got divorced years ago), she will have very little they can take, so to speak.
Incidentally, one of the things that made me realise that everything might not be so rosey, was that she wouldn't join the electoral register here - in fact she stayed on it at the flat she rented, so not even at her parents (where the letters are going to).
Is it possible they won't trace her?

We have no joint accounts and it's only my name on the mortgage.

Also, someone please tell me if I've given out too many details. I've left it deliberately vague so far!

Hiya

Right I know what she's doing now, the penny has dropped

The deliberate avoidance of electoral register is a classic way for debt avoidance, now usually I don't condone such behaviour but in this instance, the fact she is changing names back, deliberately not going on the E/R and possibly moving away to a new address suggests she knows that she will be able to move and start afresh.

Yes, that plan does work and is fine and rosy but you have to bear in mind for that to pay off, she must not take anything from the old to the new or it will create a link, ergo people will search the old address and name and then get linked to the new name and address with you, whatever. Point is, she must walk away from everything and have no credit, no applications of any sort (including mobiles) and stay off the radar for at least 3 years.

After this she will be in effect a new person, at which point she should go on elecoral register and then apply for a bank account - they will only ask for the last 3 years details and so long as she does not mess up then it will be fine.

That is not the ethical thing to do, but its what she is obviously doing so why mess it up, I may as well tell you how not to mess it up hadn't I?

I still don't condone such behaviour, but given the circumstances it may be the best way forward for her - it you want point her to the thread and i'll help, as best I can, not to act illegally but to avoid being traced to the new address thus causing you unnecessary suffering and harassment, being you;re the innocent party.

never-in-doubt · 6 June 2010 at 4:39AM

Anonymousa wrote: »

Thanks. I'm going back to bed now, but I'm confused as well. You seem to be suggesting that my house could be at risk at some point, whereas someone else says it can't be! I know it's all a long way off. I'm not panicking, apart from about the point when I'm telling her I went through her mail <insert smiley that doesn't exist> .

And I don't have any secrets. Never had any debt beyond a mortgage, hence it's all a bit of a mystery to me! Edit: except I opened a bit of mail. That's a secret! !!!!!

No nothing of yours is at risk - period. A debt is individual, it cannot be transferred to your assets - don't worry, you're totally independant - even if a link was created (say you open a join account) you'd still be independant of her financially as to the old debts as they would be in her name only, not yours.

Now if you got a joint mortgage then your house could be at risk of, at worse, a charging order - highly unlikely and also she'd not get accepted for a mortgage right now so forget that as an option.

Don't worry, you're totally safe here. Trust me, I do know what i'm on about with this mallarky, sometimes :rotfl:

never-in-doubt · 6 June 2010 at 4:44AM

Anonymousa wrote: »

Thanks. I think the hardest step is going to be confronting her. I don't mean in a harsh way, but I think it will be a harsh thing to do.

I disagree - we can actually help her and at least get her to do things properly. One mistake and the house of cards comes tumbling down

I'd speak to her and show her this thread, if anything PM me and we'll sort something. Whatever you do, don't ignore it - as I say she could hide for 5 years and do one silly thing then they obtain judgement and guess what, back to square one for another 6 years! Not fun, trust me...

Let us know what you do - good luck, stop worrying yea?

never-in-doubt · 6 June 2010 at 5:24AM

Sarsie wrote: »

3. When you know more of the story post it, we'll take it from there.

Excellent advice by the way, pretty much what I say as well - speak to her and tell her you know, then come here and read up on things and we'll help the bestwe can.

Must be better than all the stress, right? Who knows maybe the g/f needs a shoulder to cry on but is too proud and can't bring herself to say anything - the longer it goes on the harder it becomes.....

Anyway, for a newbie you're posting some great advice - cheers, keep it up :T

Krisp_3 · 6 June 2010 at 7:47AM

Oh my.

Welcome to this board, anonymousa. You've had a rough night hmmm?

Whilst you feel guilty for opening your OH's mail, I suspect it's nothing to what she's been feeling for keeping it all secret for what sounds like a long, long time. And remember, you don't know why the debt(s) happened. So, whilst there is bound to be anger, recriminations, shock, defensiveness, hurt and all the other spikey emotions on both sides, try to listen to her (not least because she's in a delicate hormonal state right now!). You sound like a balanced and supportive kind of person who is prepared to work things through though, so you have come to the right place for support and non-judgmental advice.

I hope your discussions go OK as they can today. And please come back and let us know how they went and how we can help both of you deal with the next steps - there are some great people on here that know their stuff. And congratulations on your forthcoming new arrival, by the way

dorisday · 6 June 2010 at 8:10AM

I dont often comment too much on here but on this one I have to. You did the correct thing by doing what you did, only thing is I would have asked her to open the letters in front of you - together. Your gut feelings have kicked in here and made you raise those protection hairs oin the back of your neck and you did what yoiu had to do. What if opening of this letter had produced something about her that was really bad, dont you think you needed to know after all you have known each other such a very very short time pregnant or not. Anyhow as its only money (debt) it may not be too bad.
Your really need to talk to her today, the difficult thing is when people bury their head in the sand about things the WHOLE truth never comes out so its going to take some digging, digging and more digging. Wouldnt you feel better knowing the whole story, after all she seems to have got herself a lovely lifestyle with you.
Im going to get slatted here but please dont be taken for a fool, get the whole story and even check it out if neccessary, this is not someone you have known for many years and the proof is in the pudding, YOU KNOW LITTLE ABOUT HER. you wouldnt be worrying if you did.
Best of luck and I do hope everything works out for both of you and baby.

tallyhoh · 6 June 2010 at 9:08AM

You should perhaps post the question regarding the house on the bankruptcy board. I had the same re my partners debts & my house if he were to be made bankrupt. The outlook was not good.

However that may be a long way down the line yet but what I am trying to say is dont do anything without taking proper legal advice.

As the partner of a person who runs up huge debts & then hides/ignores/ etc them, your OH's behaviour sounds all too familiar to me.

Perhaps asking her outright if she has debts? or saying that someone from XX company has been to the door asking for her? You need to get it into the open to find out the extent of the debts. I know she's pregnant but there's never going to be a good time to sort it out.

I wish you luck.

Complete shock! Please help/ advise!

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