No relationship between father and son...

sammy_kaye18

Hi All
Some of you may know me because I frequent other boards but if not Hello

Anyway I am having a dilemma at the minute with my son. Hes 12 years old and is in the second year of comprehensive. Hes always been a good student, relatively happy, has a good bunch of friends hes known since nursery etc......has a tendency to day dream - usual stuff.

Anyway the last year or so things have been going downhill gradually. We had his parents evening last week and they said hes a bit slow getting to classes, daydreams, doesn't really do his homework (but its never written in his homework diary so I don't know he has it).

Anyway I dragged his father to it and he told him off for his lack of effort and that was all that he said on the matter.

Roll on to this week and on Tuesday I had a phone call from the school saying my son and a friend has been playing about in the toilets (its a strict school and during class time you have to sign for a key to go to the toilet) and one of them had set off the fire alarm. It turns out it was the boy my son was with and that he had admitted it.
Either way he spent Wednesday in isolation with his deputy head of year.
I then got a phone call from the deputy head to say he had actually missed the whole of his lesson messing round in the toilets so they were excluding him for the whole of Thursday and he could come back to school Friday.

I rang my husband to tell him and his response was 'well I cant deal with that, you'll have to'. So I have confiscated his phone, grounded him and banned him from Scouts for this week. Hes also on report for two weeks in school as of tomorrow and what will be the week after half term.

I had a heart to heart with my son last night and I think I have made him see sense now. His father came home though and didn't even acknowledge him or say two words to him.

I'm sorry this is so long winded....but bare with me

Today my son has been with my MIL whilst Ive been in work and hes been fine. Hes done all the work he was set. He got stuck on science so he asked his grandad who gave him some 1 to 1 help and he has taken it all in and seems happy. They even built circuits together in his grandads shed to help with the homework.

But when hes talking about his dad/my husband - he is so unattached to him. My husband has another son who is 15 from a previous relationship and we have a daughter together also who is 6.
Everything we do 'as a family' is me and the 3 kids - or me and my two kids.......we are never altogether because my husband doesn't want to be involved. Even when we are making plans (we see my step son one weekend a month), the kids never include their dad. My son refers to me, his sister and himself as the 3 musketeers.....all our days out are always the three of us.
My husband doesn't come anywhere with us - through choice - not because hes working etc.....he spends no time with the kids in the evening either - he sits playing games on the PC or his phone. I may as well be a lone parent for all the input he gives me with the kids.

He has all the time in the world for his other son though and makes a point of saying in front our two children that hes spending time/taking him/going with him to places......he does collect our daughter from school as well on his days off but our son (the middle child) he seems to have no time for at all.....

I'm at a loss. I have tried talking to him and telling him what our son has said but it falls on deaf ears. His attitude is he doesn't want to bother with him if hes going to be such a naughty child so why should he speak to him. Even my MIL has seen how unattached he is from his dad and heard the way he talks about him and shes worried about it. I don't know what to do.

Hes not a bad kid, I think hes just wanting attention but has gone about it in the wrong way. Hes one of the highest decorated scouts in his pack, he raises money for charities, he volunteers, his teachers all praise him for being a kind and considerate kid and have even said the last month or so is completely out of character for him.

I dont know what to do.

I could understand if we were separated and they didn't get much time together but me and his father have been together for 14 years!

A husband who doesn't listen, and a son who seems to be asking for attention. Does anyone have any advice please?

PeacefulWaters

Family counselling.

SunnyCyprus

I feel really very sorry for your son. To miss out on an absent father is one thing, but to miss out on a father who is physically present is quite another. The sense of 'loss' can be very hard to live with.
One option I might try would be to put the father in charge of some errand or another which involves your son, kind of 'forced team work' type of thing. Best outcome: your husband starts to talk to/spend a little time with son. Worst outcome: your husband refuses/is not willing to try. That would give me my answer. Basically, you either all pull together and work as an equal family or he does you a favour and leaves the picture, giving you a chance to be the family of 'mum and kids' without the ever present reminder that he is there and doesn't take part in anything.
Xxx

Jackieboy

SunnyCyprus wrote: »

I feel really very sorry for your son. To miss out on an absent father is one thing, but to miss out on a father who is physically present is quite another. The sense of 'loss' can be very hard to live with.
One option I might try would be to put the father in charge of some errand or another which involves your son, kind of 'forced team work' type of thing. Best outcome: your husband starts to talk to/spend a little time with son. Worst outcome: your husband refuses/is not willing to try. That would give me my answer. Basically, you either all pull together and work as an equal family or he does you a favour and leaves the picture, giving you a chance to be the family of 'mum and kids' without the ever present reminder that he is there and doesn't take part in anything.
Xxx

Nobody should be encouraged to break up a marriage and family unless there's domestic abuse involved. It's not an ideal situation but not everybody's cut out to be a hands on parent.

whitewing

Get grandad to have a man to man chat with dad and see what's going on.

Maybe get the 3 of them to start going out together. Build some shared activities and then the two of them will get to like each other and sort themselves out.

gettingtheresometime

Sounds as if family counselling would be useful but I'd go into it with my eyes wide open.....you may learn something (and I have no idea of what it could be) that may blow the family apart.

The other thing that you may want to consider is why your husband treats treats his eldest son so different from his half siblings...is it guilt ?

barbiedoll

Your husband sounds like a complete @rse to be honest.

I do know (not from experience, I only have one child) that many parents who have several children, often admit that they "prefer" one child over another. My colleague recently told me that she finds her younger son "hard work" if they go out together, she gets along much better with her older son, although as she said...she loves them both equally.

Even my mum admits that she finds my sister hard to get along with sometimes. There's a definite personality clash, although they love each other dearly. They often argue and bicker, whereas I'm much more tolerant of my mum's ways and habits (as she is of mine) and we tend to get along quite well most of the time.

It could just be that your husband's older son is his first-born and he feels a special bond with him. And your daughter is his little girl, his baby and so he feels differently about her. So your son just gets left out. Maybe they just don't have much in common, their personalities just don't "gel"

But....when you're a parent, you have to hide this. When your kids are grown-up and old enough to realise that not everyone gets along with everyone else, then fine, you can agree to disagree. And you don't have to see them too often if you don't want to. But to treat one of your children so differently, to basically ignore them just because they're not so special to you, is tantamount to child abuse. It's no wonder your son is playing up at school, it probably is a cry for attention. My son went through a similar phase when I had to return to work full-time, I think, understandably he felt a little side-lined after years of being my number one priority.

Can you get your dad to spend more time with your son? If his father won't step up to the plate, then his granddad sounds like an ideal male role model, especially if they get along well anyway.

And much as I don't like the idea of encouraging anyone to split up their family, it sounds as though yours is split already. But personally, I think I that I would find it very hard to live with a man who treated his own child so badly.

POPPYOSCAR

barbiedoll wrote: »

Your husband sounds like a complete @rse to be honest.

I do know (not from experience, I only have one child) that many parents who have several children, often admit that they "prefer" one child over another. My colleague recently told me that she finds her younger son "hard work" if they go out together, she gets along much better with her older son, although as she said...she loves them both equally.

Even my mum admits that she finds my sister hard to get along with sometimes. There's a definite personality clash, although they love each other dearly. They often argue and bicker, whereas I'm much more tolerant of my mum's ways and habits (as she is of mine) and we tend to get along quite well most of the time.

It could just be that your husband's older son is his first-born and he feels a special bond with him. And your daughter is his little girl, his baby and so he feels differently about her. So your son just gets left out. Maybe they just don't have much in common, their personalities just don't "gel"

But....when you're a parent, you have to hide this. When your kids are grown-up and old enough to realise that not everyone gets along with everyone else, then fine, you can agree to disagree. And you don't have to see them too often if you don't want to. But to treat one of your children so differently, to basically ignore them just because they're not so special to you, is tantamount to child abuse. It's no wonder your son is playing up at school, it probably is a cry for attention. My son went through a similar phase when I had to return to work full-time, I think, understandably he felt a little side-lined after years of being my number one priority.

Can you get your dad to spend more time with your son? If his father won't step up to the plate, then his granddad sounds like an ideal male role model, especially if they get along well anyway.

And much as I don't like the idea of encouraging anyone to split up their family, it sounds as though yours is split already. But personally, I think I that I would find it very hard to live with a man who treated his own child so badly.

I wholeheartedly agree.

marisco_2

This must be such an awful situation for yourself and your children. I hope that you will find a way to come through this a much happier and stronger family. Sadly counselling will only be useful and successful if your husband wants to make the necessary changes in his relationship with all of you. Reading between the lines I don't think he does or will.

gettingtheresometime

barbiedoll wrote: »

It could just be that your husband's older son is his first-born and he feels a special bond with him. And your daughter is his little girl, his baby and so he feels differently about her. So your son just gets left out. Maybe they just don't have much in common, their personalities just don't "gel"

I did wonder what then husband's reaction was like when the middle child was born? Was it different to when the youngest, the daughter, was born.

It did cross my mind that he may have preferred a girl as he already had a son

FBaby

His attitude is he doesn't want to bother with him if hes going to be such a naughty child so why should he speak to him

The reality is that it sounds like although he certainly loves your boy, he might not like him much at the moment. Maybe he is disappointed, maybe he is making the big mistake of focusing on the negatives rather than the positives. Maybe he built an idea of what boys should be like in his mind and is struggling with the fact that your boy doesn't meet that fantasy.

Unfortunately, it is quite common and yes, it is very hard for any child to deal with this emotionally. I wouldn't be surprised if deep inside, your husband knows that he should make more of an effort and change his mindset but he gets stuck at the stage of doing so. He can't tell you how he feels though as believes you would be horrified if you knew how he felt.

All you can do is try to get him to open up and realise the impact his behaviour is having on his son, whilst making sure that you are giving your son plenty of positive attention, not over-compensating, but so that he doesn't grow up thinking he is worthless because his dad can't be bothered to spend time with him.