My Daughter

newfunk · 13 June 2005 at 8:10PM

Hi all

Dunno where to start really! My eldest daughter is 13 and half, and is having major disagreements with my ex wife!! My ex is a very difficult person to get on with and always always thinks she is right! I gave up argueing with her a long time ago as it was just a waste of breath!
The problem is, my daughter just needs someone to treat her with a bit of respect ( i know you earn respect, but to earn it, you have to give some, and My ex just treats her like a 9 year old).. its got so bad, she has had her Mobile, stereo, gameboy and hair straighteners confiscated. Today my daughter has told me her mum has rung the school to get her some counselling!! She doesnt need this, my ex does!!! My daughter has been on about moving inb with me for about 4 months now, and its got to a stage where I feel I need to take some action and explore my otions regarding her!!

Is it a case of my daughter telling someone in authority she wants to be with me( I doubt its that easy) or is it a case for the courts? neither of us have actually got custody, they just stayed with their mother when we split....

sorry to babble on, but its worrying me and I dont want her to be belittled anymore! I feel she will be better with me!! I also have 2 younger daughters aged 11 and 6..

Hope someone can help me!

MonkeyGirl · 13 June 2005 at 8:47PM

I may be wrong but if neither of you officailly have custody. Then I think she can just move out and just tell the local authroties including the school if she will have to change. I think it works the same way it would if you were just moving house. As far as I'm aware it doesn't have to go to court. Like I say I maybe wrong though hopefully someone else can give you a better idea.

Hope you get it sorted soon though.

LilacLillie · 13 June 2005 at 9:03PM

This is a really difficult one. I have experience of 2 sons (now grown up), but not a daughter. 13 1/2 is a trying age for either sex..........for both parents.
I also have no experience of a marriage breakup.
I would hazzard a guess that if your ex has tried taking away some privileges, that your daughter is just starting to feel her feet or just beginning of her 'At that age', that seems as a parent, to last an eternity!
I think even if you find your ex difficult, try not to relate how your realationship together is any way similar to that between Mother & Daughter.
Try to have a united front on the basic ground rules, to present together to your daughter.
Kids have a way of 'Playing off' their parents against each other (even when they are living together!), and do it very well.
Counselling isn't a bad thing. Its just talking to someone that isn't going to judge you or take sides.
Kids need to make sense of a seperation, no matter what the adults around them say, think or do. I know loads of couples that have seperated that tell anyone that'll listen ' My kids are fine' or 'They just hate/don't want to know him/her' (meaning other half), then when you get the kids on their own they just want both parents back together, which of course isn't often (or ever) going to happen!
I think give it time, grit your teeth and see how the ground settles. Don't let your daughter play you. Unless your ex is a child abuser, your daughter sounds as if she is a normal, grumpy, soon to be young lady!
Then of course it'll be all your turn to be worrying about unsuitable prospective boyfriends, late nights, boozing etc.............................need I go on
Good Luck

LL

Bossyboots · 13 June 2005 at 9:57PM

Monkeygirl is right. She can simply move to live with you as, because you were married to her mum, you have parental responsibility.

Even if there was a residence order, at this age she could come and live with you and it would be for your ex-wife to take the matter back to Court if she wanted her back. She is unlikely to be successful as the views of your daughter would be taken into account and the overriding principle is the welfare of the child.

It is not unknown for former partners to call the police in this situation when the child moves to dad but, unless there was a real danger to the child, the police cannot get involved as this is a domestic dispute.

trafalgar_2 · 13 June 2005 at 10:13PM

Can I ask if you discuss things with your ex about the children.........what does she think about her moving out to live with you .............it's not as straight forward as the eldest coming to live with you (though this could solve her problems with her mum),which she can of course do .............as others say ,she is old enough and it's doubtful anyone will make her go back as you are the parent also

how will this leave the situation between you all though...........as you say there are 2 more girls.

sometimes it's better to try and get all parties concerned to talk and sort things out .

are things really that bad they can't be sorted out........

just my two-penneth..........

nearlyrich · 13 June 2005 at 10:39PM

It's a hard one to call, teenagers always feel hard done to, I ask mine to keep their rooms and their bathroom tidy, help with clearing the kitchen in turn after tea, we have a dishwasher so it's not a hard job... put their own clean washing away. Sometimes you would think I was asking them to do hard labour up a chimney or down a mine! And these 2 are 18 & 19..

I am sure my ex has had some exaggerated tales in the past about how badly treated they were!

By all means try to discuss it with your ex, preferably without too much recrimination and prejudgement, maybe suggest that your daughter comes to stay with you for a few weeks in the summer? Stroppy teens can be a real nightmare, think Kevin, there are younger children taking in all the drama and thinking about "maturing "early so they can get their own way. I remember being 13 myself and screaming at my mum that she treated me like a child.

As a previous poster said don't judge this by your previous relationshipwith your ex, bringing up children is tough as you will discover if your daughter moves in.

newfunk · 13 June 2005 at 10:52PM

Thanks for all your replies, Ive tried talking with my EX, and all 3 of us sat around the table and talked, although anything myself or my daughter said was shot down in flames....... I do worry about the effect this would have on my other 2 daughters, although it is having an effect at the moment, with the way the situation is at home....
I just hate seeing my eldest looking so upset, and anxious every time she has to return to her mother!! She also hates the fact, that nothing of hers is sacred in her house, as my Ex's partners children use her stuff when she is with me!!

trafalgar_2 · 13 June 2005 at 11:03PM

newunk wrote:

Thanks for all your replies, Ive tried talking with my EX, and all 3 of us sat around the table and talked, although anything myself or my daughter said was shot down in flames....... I do worry about the effect this would have on my other 2 daughters, although it is having an effect at the moment, with the way the situation is at home....
I just hate seeing my eldest looking so upset, and anxious every time she has to return to her mother!! She also hates the fact, that nothing of hers is sacred in her house, as my Ex's partners children use her stuff when she is with me!!

ah so there are other children involved too ,any chance of trying again but getting a 'family worker' involved too ,that way your wife can't run the show ,prehaps she should come to live with you if the situation is that bad ,temporarily at least ,until you all have a chance to sit down and chat

can you suggest that to your ex prehaps

pandas66 · 13 June 2005 at 11:11PM

I've just been on the phone to a friend down country for nearly 2 hours moaning about our respective kids (or irrespective). My friend has a girl of 12 and a lad of 14. Both are charming kids to be with and polite to the end, so are mine btw. We have decided to swop them for the summer hols as mine no longer listen to me and same vice versa, only I don't do girls. I think they are totally on another level, they talk another language which is loud and punctuated with tears. They completley frighten me and this chat we had ended up with her repraising her daughter for she thought about all the good qualities in her.
But they are a mystery and I think you ought to take her if you can for a couple of weeks but not necessarly as a holiday for daughter but to show her and you what living with a teen is like. I am presuming you haven't got any kids living with you at present. But Mum will be under stress if there are your other 2 girls and step kids, your daughter may feel neglected etc but under no circumstances could she say this. They don't do more than a grunt, if any.
I wish you luck, I have a 14yo grunter and a 12yo smiles but for how long? Its hard

Savvy_Sue · 14 June 2005 at 12:42AM

I agree that this isn't something to rush into. And it's also worth talking to your daughter to make sure she understands that you have ground rules too, which she may not like any more than she likes her mother's.

newfunk · 14 June 2005 at 7:35AM

pandas66 wrote:

I've just been on the phone to a friend down country for nearly 2 hours moaning about our respective kids (or irrespective). My friend has a girl of 12 and a lad of 14. Both are charming kids to be with and polite to the end, so are mine btw. We have decided to swop them for the summer hols as mine no longer listen to me and same vice versa, only I don't do girls. I think they are totally on another level, they talk another language which is loud and punctuated with tears. They completley frighten me and this chat we had ended up with her repraising her daughter for she thought about all the good qualities in her.
But they are a mystery and I think you ought to take her if you can for a couple of weeks but not necessarly as a holiday for daughter but to show her and you what living with a teen is like. I am presuming you haven't got any kids living with you at present. But Mum will be under stress if there are your other 2 girls and step kids, your daughter may feel neglected etc but under no circumstances could she say this. They don't do more than a grunt, if any.
I wish you luck, I have a 14yo grunter and a 12yo smiles but for how long? Its hard

My Ex's partners kids are only there every weekend, I see mine every other weekend! my ex always favours the youngest child, and hates anyone having an opinion, that doesnt fit with hers, im not the only person to notice that she favours my youngest! About 2 months ago, my Ex asked me to have my eldest for a couple of weeks as she didnt know what to do....My daughter stayed and to be honest, I dont know what people think is difficult with bringing up a teen, communication was the key, and always has been between us, she respects me and my rules, and I respect her for following them.
She is not a difficult person, just a teenager!

My Daughter

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