Help please?

bahxox · 16 May 2018 at 8:36PM

Really need to vent and clear my chest because I'm so very depressed and I think the situation isn’t right. .;When my husband of 7 weeks killed himself, ( I was 22 and he 25) we were both working basic jobs. No savings, no life insurance, no paid funeral plan. No inheritance for us nothing.!!!;I got a £5000 payout from the car insurance company which I split into 3 (me and his two boys). My part as you can calculate only equalled to around one months wages and paid my bills. I got £1000 from government and this went towards a new (2nd hand) car so I could at least get around if I wanted to.!!;I was pushed back into work, being 22 and renting a 3 bed place with no income after just being widowed, I was sinking into debts. Luckily most companies were understanding with payment plans. Literally 2 weeks after cremating my husband I had no choice but to work.!What sort of choice is this?! If I was over 40, I would have got regular payments monthly to keep me afloat. !!!!!!..?!Because I was pushed back into work so quickly, I've never really recovered and I've bounced from job to job, mentally collapsing every time and quitting or being sacked. I believe if I had more support financially in the early stages I would be doing much better now.!I pay £15 a month toward my husbands funeral. This is going to take me 8 years to pay off.I can't even afford a resting place. He is in a cardboard urn on my windowsill. This breaks me so much.!! My family are poor and couldn't help even if they wanted to. I just don't think I'm gonna have the release of my husband resting until 8 years time. This makes me so sad and restricts my happiness and strength ;I'm sorry for the rant. I don't know where to turn anymore. How is this system fair..!!Any help anyone is much appreciated .. Becki x

Dox · 16 May 2018 at 11:38PM

Other than sincere sympathy for anyone who finds themself in such a horrible situation, could you give an indication of the sort of help you are hoping to find by posting on this site, please?

Why not scatter his ashes somewhere he would have loved - a country setting or riverside, perhaps?

DCFC79 · 17 May 2018 at 12:21AM

Maybe you need counselling.

Malthusian · 17 May 2018 at 11:48AM

Speak to your GP as soon as possible, or somewhere else you can get mental health support. This is not a money issue.

The benefit you refer to is probably Bereavement Allowance. Even if you had been old enough to qualify, for someone aged 45 it is a pittance - £1,826 a year - and would have made absolutely no difference to your life. You would still be grieving for your husband and not in a fit mental state to hold down a job.

Primrose · 17 May 2018 at 4:19PM

I am sorry for the tragedy you suffered. It must have been difficult for you and obviously still is, but can you try and step back a little for a moment and try to look for positives in your life, however small?

Sadly tragedies happen to undeserving people every day but slowly by slowly people have to summon up their courage and claw back a life for themselves.

Presumably you have two sons who are looking to you for their financial support and inspiration so you owe it to yourself to get mentally fit again. Please make an appointment with your GP to get some counselling and also perhaps belatedly joining a Cruise bereavement group may help you come to terms with your loss. Perhaps sharing your experiences with others who have suffered loss will help you find ways to pick up your life again and move forward in a positive way.

I am not trying to under estimate what you have suffered but if the State is unable to help you financially, being in the best state of mind physically and emotionally is probably the best way you will find of getting the strength to move move out of your current situation into a better, more positive place.

Perhaps staring at your husband's ashes every day is preventing you from moving on emotionally? Why not do what somebody else has suggested and sprinkle his ashes in a nice place of natural beauty where you and his boys can go to visit if you want to have a special remembrance of him?

Grief can take a long time to get over but staring at a memory of the past every day is not good for your or your boys.

Pun · 17 May 2018 at 6:11PM

Looking at your post, you refer to 'his two boys' which suggests they were your stepsons. Are they living with their mother? If so, and you are hard pressed for cash, do you still need a 3 bedroom place (and yes, I recognise the wrench it will be to move)?

A resting place can be anywhere; you don't need permission to scatter his ashes on public land, into a river or wherever you would like to remember his.

margaretclare · 17 May 2018 at 7:18PM

Widowhood is awful, it's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy. It happened to me in my 50s. It wasn't necessarily any easier for me just because I was older, because it coincided with my redundancy from the kind of job you'd never imagine being redundant from. Because the mortgage was in my name I had to struggle to keep the roof above my head, doing all kinds of jobs that I wouldn't have considered at one time.

I do sympathise. You're in a very dark place and that's why you think others might have it easier than you. Not always the case, but you can't reason logically. You need professional help.

I'm now in a - second - happy marriage, but I'll never forget what I call the 'black years' and I feel so sorry for you.

sheramber · 17 May 2018 at 8:04PM

You have had a lot to cope with. Please talk to your GP.

Why not do something with your husband's ashes? That could give you some comfort.

You could scatter them in a place he liked. My uncle's ashes were scattered at sea as he was an ex marine officer and loved going out in the bay where he lived.

A friend's father's ashes were scattered in a wood where he liked to walk.

My parent's ashes were scattered in the crematorium gardens. A rose was planted in a flower bed and a plaque with their names on positioned beside it. This was arranged by the crematorium.
There are seats where you can go and sit in the quiet. The gardens are open all the time.

You can get the ashes put into a commemorative locket.

You could buy a plant that he liked and scatter the ashes around where you plant it. My sister planted a rose that her husband particularly liked.

Are you getting all the benefits you are due? You can check here https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

SevenOfNine · 17 May 2018 at 10:23PM

I wonder if you have a local SOBS group who might be able to provide you with a place to rant & provide support.

https://uk-sobs.org.uk/we-can-help/local-support-groups/

Help please?

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