Help? At my wits end

hec2308 wrote: »

So I should probably provide a bit of context to the situation.

I work for three bosses as a PA. I definitely work for one of them more than the others and that director is....a bully. He is a psychopath, a narcissist and not a very pleasant person. It's all wrapped up in a package of charm that gets him to where he is and means he is untouchable and popular, he reminds me of my father but that is by the by.

I have worked here for two and a half years. He is difficult to work for, I have coped for two and a half years. He calls people stupid, moronic etc. and sexist remarks are common place. I am a confident person, I have done what I can to tolerate regular verbal abuse in front of the entire team. This isn't what has broken me. I am strong.

A month in to my new job back in 2014, they threw an office party to celebrate their new premises. A lot of clients were invited and obviously there were canapes and drinks a-plenty. One of the clients was "sexually inappropriate" towards me. I am loathe to describe it as sexual assault, but I will say that people investigated by operation Yew Tree have been jailed for less. He also said a lot of inappropriate things but words I can cope with.

I went to a direct on the night and told her about it, he was kicked out and a few meetings followed the incident. They said that they would get rid of him as a client. He had just referred a client to us and I knew this brought us money and that he was someone the directors had known for years. I felt totally and completely humiliated by the entire experience and felt that I would be judged on my response as being a sensitive, fragile flower for the rest of my time at the company. As a result I said that I did not expect them to banish him as a client for my sake. I am a strong person and as long as I do not have to have contact with him or see him I was ok to proceed as normal. I was promised that both these conditions would be met and that has been the status quo for the last 2.5 years.

Recently, one of the directors scheduled a meeting at our offices which this client was to be involved in. I made my surprise at this clear in a calm and apologetic way last week on a Thursday. On the Friday morning my manager (who is lovely but inept as an authoritative person) took me downstairs and said that he had been called by the director I specifically work for and told that they were very angry with me. They were horrified that I felt able in my position to tell them where they could have meetings and who with, and that they intended to have a formal meeting with me about it.

I was probably wrong, but I got quite upset at this (mainly out of frustration rather than vulnerability) and said that I simply could not stay if their position had changed and I was now expected to meet this client or even just be in the same building as him.

So that happened on the Friday. On Monday last week, one of my colleagues (who I am firm friends with) handed in their notice. My male director and my manager called me downstairs and asked if I would take her position (a promotion) and then they could advertise for a replacement of my job. I said that I would not want to do the exams involved with this promotion hoping that would be sufficient enough but my boss then said that I would not be expected to do the exams. So I had no excuses left.

I hesitated for a moment and suddenly my boss went into a tangent of "you don't seem happy, and haven't done for weeks - what is wrong?"

I don't know where he got the last few weeks from. I had been very unhappy on the Thursday and Friday when this situation transpired but that was it. I was honest. I said that I was unhappy about the inappropriate client situation. I was essentially told to get over it and that I had imagined their angry response in my head. Obviously he did not know that my manager had told me that they were angry with me and my manager did not speak up in this meeting. I kept my mouth shut to spare him. So this was made to look as if I had imagined this and that I was overreacting. Even though I knew his true thoughts on it. But he is a very good and smooth liar....I was honest and said that I was thinking about leaving as I agreed with them totally, they are the bosses and they should be able to have what meetings they want and when. But I will not be involved as long as that man is a client.

So I have endured secret meetings held about me etc. and frankly the last week has been awful. They started advertising for my job on Wednesday, despite the fact I haven't handed my notice in. I'm not sure whether I was meant to feel sacked or not? I don't really get it. However I took it in my stride and carried on. It was terrible timing seeing as I said I was thinking about leaving on Monday (which is true - I was very honest), but I found a lump in my breast on Thursday evening. I phoned my doctor on Friday and she wanted me to come in for an appointment but the only available slot was 10 past 4. I didn't feel able to take it after how I had been treated all week by my bosses. I spoke to my manager about it and said that I would schedule an appointment for Monday (tomorrow) instead because of this. He said that I seemed too "deliriously happy" i.e. as if I had just got another job/interview so he didn't know if I was being honest.

I was. I would never lie about something to do with a "cancer scare" I seemed "happy" because that is my brave face and until someone sits me down and tells me I've got cancer I'm not going to walk around as if I do. I am 27 years old and I know the chances are very slim.

So they had a meeting downstairs about whether I was lying or not. It was eventually decided it was legitimate and that I would be allowed to have the 4.10pm appointment as it wasn't an interview.

I feel completely broken. I have been a good employee for years and I have never lied. If I ws a natural liar I would have taken the promotion and the payrise and continued my plans to leave with the additional money in my pocket. I didn't want to do that.

I feel like now ultimate suspicion is on me and they won't let me out for anything. I feel so down and depressed about the entire situation, I don't know what to do. I need to get out, I'm not happy and I can't keep going like this. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions having been in a similar situation??

Edit: so sorry, I didn't realise how long this was until I posted. Sorry.

hec2308 wrote: »

Ok I think I'm going to deal with one post in particular and then respond to the rest...



I suppose the main thing for me is that with words I am incredibly thick skinned and confident. However the issue with this client is that it became unwanted physical contact. That I cannot and will not deal with in a professional setting. Can I be honest? If this had happened in any other scenario I would have lamped the guy in the face and given him his marching orders. I've done it before socially and I could do it again. But this wasn't the case. I was in a new job with an unknown person to me and I didn't feel I had that authority. He knew that. He knew he could do and say whatever he wanted. He said many inappropriate things to me that I brushed off before the physical contact.

And maybe in any other situation you would have dealt with it. But you didn't in this one. And that is obviously still bothering you. How do I know that? Because of the way you are acting here. It is unfinished business for you. And I totally get why that is. But this is over two years later and you are demanding that your employer don't even let him in the same building as you are in. That isn't finished business. For whatever reason you chose to say that the matter was ended if you didn't have to see him again. You don't have to see him simply because he is in the building. But you told your employers not to take any action at the time. Despite the fact that they said they would. So it is finished business from their point of view. It isn't reasonable of you to say he can't set foot in the building two years later if you refused to take it any further then.

I will say as an aside, we had other clients there that spoke to him and two of them walked out in outrage at his behaviour. But they never have to see him again.
And nobody has said you must either.


I made it very clear that I did not want my colleague's job. I don't understand how that explains them advertising my position when I am not the one who has handed their notice in? Don't get me wrong, I would understand it more if they advertised my job alongside my colleague's position, but that hasn't happened. They have only advertised my job.
Perhaps because they didn't think you had refused the promotion? What you said here is "I said that I would not want to do the exams involved with this promotion hoping that would be sufficient enough but my boss then said that I would not be expected to do the exams. So I had no excuses left." That doesn't sound like a refusal to me.


I totally get that. It is their business and their choice. I wouldn't have had any expectations going forward if it was not something that they had promised me. I wish they had been honest about it at the time and then I could have made an informed decision in my probation period. The promised you that you wouldn't have to see him or have contact with him. They didn't promise you that he would never set foot in their building. He's a client. They have to deal with him. He is still a client because you told them not to terminate the contract with him. You can't now turn around and say that they shouldn't treat him like a client.



Sorry, I don't understand that. I didn't offer anything.
Yes you did. In your words "I spoke to my manager about it and said that I would schedule an appointment for Monday (tomorrow) instead"


I don't know what you mean by there being something wrong, but for me the difference is verbal and physical. I can handle words. He said many things to me that evening which were not acceptable but I tolerated it. I cannot handled strangers physically intimidating me when they know they are in a position of power and that I cannot call out.
But you did call it out. And your employers dealt with it. They did so according to your stated wishes. If you had wanted him gone as a client, you had the opportunity to say so. That choice was offered. You refused it.


I've already had much therapy in my life due to other matters. Thank you for the concern though.



I would never have stayed if they had told me this guy would have been welcome into the office at a later stage and I had X amount of months to get over it. I don't understand the confusion you are feeling but maybe it's a flaw in my written explanation. Sorry about that.