Parents getting divorced

arsenalbarnie · 15 January 2011 at 10:23AM

i thanks for reading this, a bit long I'm afraid. Hoping my father will change his mind but feel he isn't going to. The story behind it is they are both nearly 70, been married for 48yrs. Mum has racked up a load of debt in the last ten years and all of dads retirement lump sum has been spent and his shares sold. We found all this out by chance recently, she has been hiding the post from him. She then had a nervous breakdown went away and left me and my sister to sort things out. We were all obviously angry and shocked and my dad I would say absolutely gutted. I managed to pay off some of the credit cards, with lots of help from reading the debt free forum and with dad having a little stash of money she didn't know about, paid off a loan. Their finances are now looking ok, they are starting to pay me back, and have money in the bank. I am claiming back ppi payments etc, but not hopeful there.
The trouble is dad just cannot forgive her. He has been biding his time over Christmas but has more or less made up his mind he wants to separate. Me and my sister are very upset. I think it will tip mum over the edge, she has lost loads of weight, is working all hours in my sisters coffee shop to earn money so that all her pension money goes to paying back debts, when she doesn't need to. It's not even as if she has anything to show for it, the money spiralled as Martin says in interest, loans then getting in debt on the credit card again.

Just wondered if anyone has been here? Feeling very tearful atm. My dh is sympathetic to me but not to my mum. I can't talk to friends as we have kept it quiet to protect mums dignity really. Have asked dh to talk to dad, but he just thinks dad is right and would only encourage him to stay with mum if it was in dads best interest. However he is going to talk to him. We keep suggesting they go to relate, but dad won't go. It's heartbreaking to think they may end their days on their own, when if he could just live with what she's done, they could start again. They have a house, bills paid, a few debts, but they have money left every month, enough for days out, short breaks etc. I am managing their finances, dad wouldn't know where to start and mum doesn't have a bank card just cash in her purse which she is happy with. Sorry for rambling on, am crying as writing this. I can understand how angry he is, but me and my sister feel annoyed with him now, for wanting to leave her. We are a very close family and don't know how my kids are going to take it.

Thanks

Cara79 · 15 January 2011 at 3:13PM

Didn't want to read & run & sorry I can't help but just wanted to give u lots of hugs
Xxxx

soupdragon10 · 15 January 2011 at 3:14PM

So sorry to hear about the dreadful situation you and your family are in. Maybe time will be the only factor that will bring about either a reconciliation or parting.

Your parents have been married for an awfully long time, and as time goes on your father may start to realise how much he misses your mother, and how much shared history they have together. It's a shame he won't visit relate, it may be too soon after finding out about what your mother did, and he's having an almost knee jerk reaction to the pain that he must be feeling.

At the moment it sounds as though you are doing everything you possibly can as a family to support both your parents, which is wonderful to hear when many would have just walked away.

It might be worth quietly working out what the financial implications of separation/divorce might be, so that if sadly he decides to go down this road, you can at least give him this information.

I do hope things work out for you and your family.

BitterAndTwisted · 15 January 2011 at 3:20PM

Your parents' marriage is for them to decide on and sort out, not you. As hard as it might be for all concerned if your father wants to end his marriage then that is his choice. To be honest, I don't blame him: being so very seriously in debt and hiding it is a very serious betrayal, never mind the sabotage of their old-age together.

Offer advice and guidance where you can on the financial aspects but stay out of the emotional side as much as you can or you could damage your relationships with both. I don't envy you one bit.

smartpicture · 15 January 2011 at 3:21PM

I don't think it's very fair to feel annoyed with your dad. He's still an adult who can make his own choices, and your mum has secretly stripped him of all his hopes and plans for his retirement, so it's not surprising he feels angry, resentful and not willing to spend the rest of the time he has left with her.

All you can do is support both of them separately, in whatever way they choose to live their lives.

arsenalbarnie · 15 January 2011 at 4:57PM

smartpicture wrote: »

I don't think it's very fair to feel annoyed with your dad. He's still an adult who can make his own choices, and your mum has secretly stripped him of all his hopes and plans for his retirement, so it's not surprising he feels angry, resentful and not willing to spend the rest of the time he has left with her.

All you can do is support both of them separately, in whatever way they choose to live their lives.

I know I do feel guilty about feeling angry, there's all sorts of emotions going on. This situation has brought back a lot of unhappy childhood memories for me. My sister is 18 years younger than me and doesn't know about a lot of stuff that I experienced growing up with them. I would never tell her either. I can wholly understand how he feels, but I just can't see how he will be any happier on his own. His health isn't brilliant and I think this will tip mum over the edge. They won't be able to afford to buy anywhere separately either so both will have to rent using the proceeds of the house sale.

Have had a lot on my plate with my eldest sons (have five kids)who both have bone problems and one on crutches at the moment, keep thinking what next? I am not usually like this as know there are people worse off than us from reading these forums, but sometimes things just get all too much.

Am keeping out of their way this weekend, my sister is a worry too tho as she is of a more volatile personality and sees and works with my mum everyday. She thinks she can organise them whereas I am a bit more laid back. The feeling angry bit on my part is more mixed emotions I think, like a grieving process. At the end of the day I just want them to be happy.

pupsicola · 15 January 2011 at 5:52PM

My parents divorced when I was 25 for different reasons to the situation you describe. It came completely out the blue and was a horrible shock. Im not surprised you are so upset by it. It rocks all the stability you feel.

I can understand your dad feeling very upset with and let down by your mum. Trust is a huge part of a relationship and some people find it hard to forgive and move on when that is gone. If you can face it I think you should speak to your dad rather than your OH doing it. Tell him how this is making you feel and how important he and your mum are.

Does your dad realise the full effect splitting up would have on his life? It would not be easy to start again on his own, financially or emotionally.

Relate can be very helpfull or some other counselling organisation. I hope things will work themselves out. As hard as it is step back a bit and let them stand on their own two feet for a while. It sounds as if you are having to cope with so much right now.

Errata · 15 January 2011 at 6:22PM

Just try and relax a bit. Your dad can't divorce your mum until they've been separated for two years and she has to agree to it. Otherwise it's 5 years separation before a spouse can divorce without the consent of the other.
Although, your dad can sue for divorce before two years of separation on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
So.... it all takes time, and people sometimes change their minds. It's wise to remember that no outsider knows what goes on in a marriage, and sometimes the spouses don't understand either.

richardw · 15 January 2011 at 7:51PM

arsenalbarnie wrote: »

she has been hiding the post from him..............dad having a little stash of money she didn't know about

So they've both been hiding things.

arsenalbarnie · 15 January 2011 at 8:40PM

richardw wrote: »

So they've both been hiding things.

Not quite, he has always had a pot of money somewhere ie the Shed! But it was a family joke as we all knew about it, but this account was savings from a part time job he has. She used to draw the money out of the bank and give it to him. Only she was drawing his wages out on the credit card to give him as there was never enough in the bank. I think she thought he just spent it down the pub, but I know what you mean, I did mention the fact that he considers any of that money his and only his but it is nowhere near as bad as she has done. He has never had a debt in his life apart from the mortgage, that is why he wants to sell up and pay everything back.

arsenalbarnie · 15 January 2011 at 8:52PM

pupsicola wrote: »

My parents divorced when I was 25 for different reasons to the situation you describe. It came completely out the blue and was a horrible shock. Im not surprised you are so upset by it. It rocks all the stability you feel.

I can understand your dad feeling very upset with and let down by your mum. Trust is a huge part of a relationship and some people find it hard to forgive and move on when that is gone. If you can face it I think you should speak to your dad rather than your OH doing it. Tell him how this is making you feel and how important he and your mum are.

Does your dad realise the full effect splitting up would have on his life? It would not be easy to start again on his own, financially or emotionally.

Relate can be very helpfull or some other counselling organisation. I hope things will work themselves out. As hard as it is step back a bit and let them stand on their own two feet for a while. It sounds as if you are having to cope with so much right now.

Yeah I would but they have a habit of making rash decisions, although he has had a while to think about this one, although before Christmas he said he wasn't going to leave her as didn't want to split the family up.
Me and ds wonder what is going to happen next. Have recently found out that a timeshare apartment they bought ten years ago (on the spur of the moment) is in perpetuity, so me and ds will inherit it without any choice whatsoever unless we can give it away but no one is buying them. I am now having to shell out for the maintenance fees for that as they were in arrears and don't want that to happen again. I would estimate that 25k of the 70k debt and money spent is due to the timeshare apt which they have stayed in twice in ten years!:mad:

So don't know what am saying really but sometimes me and ds feel like we are the parents. Am going to write to him as can't talk to him face to face atm, I keep crying. Mums birthday this week so will take her out and have a chat to her then.

I picked the wrong month to be alcohol free.:(

Parents getting divorced

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