My friend realised he loves his ex after she broke-up with him. What should he do?

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  • Alikay
    Alikay Posts: 5,147 Forumite
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    It's not a friend; it's you, isn't it OP?
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,689 Forumite
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    JamesFuller wrote: »
    I don't think it's as bad as that, I've had lots of chats with him and I think he realises he was a bit emotionally stunted.

    He showed her lots of affection in ways such as telling her how pretty she is, holding hands, bringing food for her, medications when they travel (she had allergies), but maybe not enough as the relationship was reaching 1.5 years together.

    He realises he has to show affection more to make her or a woman feel good. He has a great job, seems financially OK as a normal guy, lives a healthy lifestyle.

    He feels like an idiot for some of these mistakes he made but they weren't big mistakes as per what causes other couples to break-up, but goes to show break-ups can happen for lots of reasons.

    He understands totally why she broke up with him, but thinks they could have worked it through by having a serious conversation. Instead she broke-up so he is feeling guilty and left with a lot of "what could have been" in his head.
    Ah.
    Now you're drip-feeding extra information.
    My comments were based on your first post.
    Your friend and his ex really did sound like school kids.
    I was gob-smacked when you said he was 32 and the relationship had been going on for 18 months.

    Now, from the added information, it seems he did lots of thoughtful things but she wanted more.

    Tell him to put his big boy pants on and get back in touch with her if that's what he wants.
    Or put it behind him, treat it as a learning curve and get back out there.
    Of course, you can always look in the mirror whilst telling him this. ;)
  • harrys_nan
    harrys_nan Posts: 1,777 Forumite
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    Alikay wrote: »
    It's not a friend; it's you, isn't it OP?

    Does it really matter?
    Someone has come on here asking for advice and if it is himself that he is talking about, so what? Not everyone feels ok admitting they have a problem with stuff, so if he gets the advice he needs/wants that's all that matters
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

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  • badmemory
    badmemory Posts: 7,799 Forumite
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    If they finished 3 months ago then unless they had been dating for 3 years or more SHE has moved on. She had moved on in her mind before they even had the conversation, that just cast it in stone.


    Maybe if he leaves it a couple of years he may stand a chance but right now very unlikely.
  • JamesFuller
    JamesFuller Posts: 85 Forumite
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    Do you think pride can get in the way in these situations?

    She might like him but isn't contacting and he likes her but is not contacting because he thinks she may have moved on or it really is a break-up or is waiting for her to make the move.

    He really wants to contact her still after 3 months to tell her he likes her but is holding back because he thinks she might use the message to show off the message to her friends and still say no.

    One thing he mentioned was how much she used to tell him about her friends private lives. He isn't the judging type, had some opinions but always thought there are two sides to a story so didn't judge her friends for some spicy things going on in their lives.

    I guess he thinks about it from a pride point of view where his contact will get used as a way of judging him by her and her friends.
  • hazyjo
    hazyjo Posts: 15,470 Forumite
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    JamesFuller wrote: »

    I have a friend who has realised he loves his ex-girlfriend after she broke up with him.
    It took a year and a half, and a break-up to realise? Had he not even told he loves her during that time? If he has been saying it, why if he's only just realised he loves her?


    Seems very slow moving to me, especially given their ages.


    Had she never said anything during their time together? Very rare for someone to sit on and not mention it and just dump them giving that as a reason. Either they were trying to be kind and finding an excuse rather than the truth, or they're sick of telling them and nothing ever changing.


    I doubt very much your friend can change his personality and how he expresses himself, so would IMO be more suited to someone else as it's likely to go back to exactly how it was before they broke up.
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  • ognum
    ognum Posts: 4,842 Forumite
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    Op one thing I feel you or your friend don!!!8217;t understand is the dating situation when you are a woman in your thirties.

    When you are in your teens and twenties you can remain in relationships with people who are not quite right for you as you know time is on your side.

    For many women when they are in their 30s they will give it a few months to a year for a mature relationship to develop and after that they need to move on.

    Women in many instances have a perminant relationship and children as a thought in thier mind and at 32 they are aware that time is not on their side. The body clock moves faster and faster.

    I would guess and of course it is only a guess that your friends ex has decided he is not the one and has moved on. Why or how she made the judgement is not for us to say.

    I am of course aware before anyone jumps on my head that this is not true of all women.
  • getmore4less
    getmore4less Posts: 46,882 Forumite
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    They had been together 18 months did they never go out with other couples or groups, most of the time there is at least one person or a couple that knows both sides well enough to know if there is any chance of reconciliation.

    to paraphrase.
    is it a case of he is a bit of a D**k but were good together
    a case of he is a bit of D**k you are well shot.


    If the former can they broker even if it is messages bloke<->male mate<->girfriend<->Ex.


    Oh and women don't just talk to other women about this sort of stuff, they will talk to blokes but most of the time blokes show no interest so they don't bother.
  • davidwood681
    davidwood681 Posts: 881 Forumite
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    JamesFuller wrote: »
    Hello all,

    I have a friend who has realised he loves his ex-girlfriend after she broke up with him.

    One of the stated reasons she gave is she thought he didn't like her as much as she did. During the break-up talk she gave he did say he liked her and wish he expressed it, but she said it is too late.

    It is 3 months since the break up and he is still finding it hard and thinks about her every day. What should he do?

    He feels like he doesn't have closure, but also maybe he wants a second chance.

    She hasn't contacted him since the break-up.

    But has he contacted her?

    I bet he's called her, text her and basically come across as needy.

    His best bet is to get on with his life and forget about her. If anything in the future happens between them it has to start for her making contact.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,689 Forumite
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    edited 11 August 2018 at 8:02AM
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    JamesFuller wrote: »
    Do you think pride can get in the way in these situations?

    She might like him but isn't contacting and he likes her but is not contacting because he thinks she may have moved on or it really is a break-up or is waiting for her to make the move.

    He really wants to contact her still after 3 months to tell her he likes her but is holding back because he thinks she might use the message to show off the message to her friends and still say no.

    One thing he mentioned was how much she used to tell him about her friends private lives. He isn't the judging type, had some opinions but always thought there are two sides to a story so didn't judge her friends for some spicy things going on in their lives.

    I guess he thinks about it from a pride point of view where his contact will get used as a way of judging him by her and her friends.
    This is still sounding like a relationship that happened between teenagers.


    I think your 'friend' should start to think how he can build up his confidence and self esteem.


    FWIW, I think this shows he's a thoughtful man.
    JamesFuller wrote: »
    He showed her lots of affection in ways such as telling her how pretty she is, holding hands, bringing food for her, medications when they travel (she had allergies), but maybe not enough as the relationship was reaching 1.5 years together
    and this shows he's not a bad catch:
    JamesFuller wrote: »
    He realises he has to show affection more to make her or a woman feel good. He has a great job, seems financially OK as a normal guy, lives a healthy lifestyle.
    ;)
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