Overwhelmed and ashamed

dprovan · 14 December 2016 at 10:50PM

My title says it all. I have been here before and have pretty much been in debt all my life. My DW and I both have good jobs and good salaries to match. We seem to have the perfect life, a lovely house, lovely children, holidays and a standard of living that has been reckless!

I read tonight about the importance of distinguishing between wants and needs and only ever buying needs when you have saved for it. Truth is we have never done this.

I manage the cc balances and have juggled these from 0% to 0% for sometime. But I have taken my eye off this significantly in recent months/years. Primarily as our salaries increased and in all honesty I have been less focussed on the problem.

My kids are amazing they are my life and have wanted for little. I feel ashamed that my DW and I have put them in this situation and not taught them good values in terms of finances.

I have completed a SOA but don't feel ready to share it as I feel too ashamed. My outgoings on cc payments is huge! Thankfully we can just about afford this monthly- but we know we need to start budgeting seriously to do this.

It will take me years to clear this debt and I know its a marathon not a sprint but I feel so overwhelmed and quite breathless by where we find ourselves.

I know the next few days are going to be tough emotionally but keep thinking if I didn't feel so awful maybe we wouldn't have taken notice.

I keep searching the forum for people who had huge debts to try and take hope that we can turn this around as we need to. My family and home is everything and I cant live with the idea of loosing our house. We have never missed a payment on anything but that is my catastrophic thinking just now and reflects how bad I feel.

I doubt I or my DW will sleep tonight but we have only ourselves to blame.

Bobarella · 14 December 2016 at 11:05PM

Dprovan , first of all well done for starting your diary. You obviously want to address your situation, which counts for a lot. Your SOA is personal. It's up to you if/when you share. Although that said, you will get better more targeted advice if you do share it.

There are several users on here that have paid down big debts. £80,000 sticks in my mind. Everything is possible.

clearmydebts · 14 December 2016 at 11:51PM

Welcome and well done for starting your diary. I could have written your post to be honest. I have been in debt for 15 years and if we just put our heads down we could probably clear it in just over a year but I self sabotage all the time.

You've taken the first step. Now you need to sort out how to tackle it. You can do it!

LauraB89 · 15 December 2016 at 9:08AM

You can do it! Just need to see it as a challenge and do it together as a team and it can almost be fun!

You just gotta take it one day at a time and keep posting on here, these amazing people will help you

Xxx

dprovan · 15 December 2016 at 10:45AM

Thanks Bobarella, Clearmydebts and LauraB89 it is reassuring to hear kind words.

Shame is a powerful emotion. I have cried more these last three days than I have in years combined. I need to focus on the now as I keep drifting down the what if something happens to me and the family are left with this- which is not where my energy needs to be just now. I also reflect back on how I haven't been as present as I should have been. I know my kids and wife love me but I also know I have not always been here emotionally... The scale of the emotion I feel just now is intense and I want it to ease but I also think it probably needed something like this to stop me in my tracks.

Need to go to work now, put on a brave face and that.

Thanks again for kind words

Scott_Weiland_2 · 15 December 2016 at 12:06PM

Do not be ashamed re things think positive shame is a horrible emotion think right i am going too beat this i am going too clear everything.

There is a hell of a lot of really good people on here who will help you

monz · 15 December 2016 at 12:54PM

Do not ever be ashamed. You took first step and everyone is here to help

EssexHebridean · 15 December 2016 at 2:13PM

The hardest step is taken - acknowledging and facing the problem. From here it's all about solutions and repair. You're also acknowledged how you came to find yourselves in the position you are - and that is the main building block of improving the future.

Suggestion - if you don;t feel ready to post the full SOA yet, that's fine, BUT I'm going to suggest that you post the "household information" at the top, plus just your outgoings. income and debt is actually less important at this time so long as you know you can meet the minimum payments. If you post your outgoings, plus the make-up of the household, we'll be able to make some generic suggestions on places where savings can be made, that you may not have spotted.

Martin's money mantras are a good message to live by. If that links works you'll hopefully have a link to them there!

Have a look for forum user "Hypno06" in fact, better than that, I've just found the link to her first ever post for you: Hypno's post - remember this was posted 10 years ago, so you need to scale up to allow for the differing value of money then - as you can see she faced a heck of a journey. Her diaries are a great read - and on the later ones at least you may find some familiar faces lurking about.

dprovan · 15 December 2016 at 4:48PM

Thanks everyone, after my emotional spell this morning, I had a really productive period between 10am-3pm and had a number of work meetings and was fully functioning. Then I had to collect my ds youngest of three from school. I took him to his grans and really struggled to keep it together. Rushed home and burst into floods of tears again. This isn't me- I am the tough fella who always has a joke. After a long period of drinking alcohol pretty much every night Ive not had a drink in 4 days and think my emotions are all over the place coupled with this I am struggling just now.

I keep drifting into the catastrophic thinking. It is as if ive lived this life for years care free spending at will and all of a sudden I have realised what if I loose my job, what if something happens to me, what if??? But ive never thought this before.....

In truth my debt is probably 50% more than what we have had for sometime and been relaxed about but now its overwhelming.

Thanks for the links I will read these, I am struggling to read anything just now as my total just feels so much worse than everyone else's so I feel more overwhelmed.

dprovan · 15 December 2016 at 5:14PM

Statement of Affairs and Personal Balance Sheet

Monthly Income Details
Income from Employment (after tax). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4,798.00
Income from Self Employment (before tax). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
State Pension . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Private Pension / Annuity Payout. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Benefits (Inc. Child Benefit/Tax Credits & Income Support). . . . . . . . . . . 190.00
Income From Savings & Investments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Gifts From Family / Friends . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
travel. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200.00

Monthly Expense Details

In Your Home

We don't actually spend £700 in day outs but this is the money for week to week living expenses. Money for kids activities, clothes, haircuts etc etc.

In the past it is wasted on rubbish and the cc is used for big purchases ie buying tyres for car, a new whatever. You get my drift.

Mobile phones . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70.00
TV licence. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12.00
Internet. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Home phone. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70.00
Cleaning products/Cleaner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Garden maintenance. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Household maintenance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Oil . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50.00
Electricity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110.00
Gas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Water . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Council tax . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200.00
Overdraft cost. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Bank account fee. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Home insurance. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 40.00
Mortgage/Rent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1,262.00
Plumbing/Boiler cover . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Mortgage life insurance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22.00
Mortgage payment protection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Life insurance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Food and household shopping . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 350.00
Drinks for home . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
childrens club. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70.00
BIOS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32.00

Motoring & Public Transport

Petrol/Diesel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 400.00
Parking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Car tax . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30.00
Car insurance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50.00
Car maintenance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30.00
Rail/Buses/Taxis. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Breakdown cover . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00

Debt Repayments

Credit card repayments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 962.00
Hire purchase repayments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Personal loan repayments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 282.00
Car loan repayments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00

Savings & Investments

Pension payments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 180.00
Buying shares . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Investments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Cash ISAs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Lump sum saving . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Regular saving. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00

Family

Pet food. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20.00
School trips. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
School meals. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100.00
Pocket money. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Nappies/Baby extras . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Laundry/Dry cleaning. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Children's travel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Baby-sitting. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Childcare/Playgroups. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Pet insurance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Travel insurance. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00

Entertainment

Satellite/Digital TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55.00
Family days out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 700.00
Cinema/Theatre trips. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Books/Music/Films/Computers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Big days out. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Shopping for fun. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Pet costs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Hobbies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
IT/Computing (antivirus, etc) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
DVD rental. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Drinking out. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Eating out. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00

Clothes, Health & Beauty

Complementary therapies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Optical bills . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Haircuts. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Dentistry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Beauty treatments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Healthcare cash plans . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Dental insurance. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Private medical insurance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Fitness/Sports/Gym. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20.00
Work clothes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
New children's clothes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
New clothes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00

Education & Courses

University tuition fees . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
School fees . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Your courses. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00

Big One-Offs

Funeral expenses. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Wedding expenses. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Sofa/Kitchen/TV . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Birthdays . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Winter holiday. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Summer holiday. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Christmas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00

Odds & Sods

Newspapers and magazines. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Tax & NI Provisions (self-employed only). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Regular charity donations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Meals at work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Smokes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00
Coffees/Sandwiches/Snacks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 0.00

Total monthly income. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5,188.00

Total monthly expenses. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5,117.00

dprovan · 15 December 2016 at 5:16PM

The £700 for day outs is our weekly spending money... In truth we don't know well enough what this is used for as we haven't budgeted until now. But it should be for haircuts, clothes, kids activities, eating out that sort of thing.

Overwhelmed and ashamed

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