Problems With Divorce- Please Help

trickyvicky_3 · 11 October 2005 at 5:45AM

i have been with my husband for 7 years and been married for 4 and we have a 15 month old son. due to many things, mainly my husband having a text affair with a close friend and his complete mistrust of me (unfounded), we are trying to go our seperate ways. my main problem is trying to sell the house in order to release the equity which i need to start a new life. although having nearly £95 k equity in our house, my husband has offerd to give me £30k to 'buy me out' stating that although he is entitled to half my savings and trust funds, which equal at the moment to £10k, if i accept this he will leave them alone. in addition to this he is only offering to pay £160 maintanence a month which although i will get help with tax credits, will not pay for the amount of child care that i have to pay in order to continue working as a nurse. this maintenence is subject to a paternity test which is completelyunnecessary as my son looks like my husband and in no way during t course of our marriage have i been unfaithfull to my husband. my parents are moving abroad in the new year and have asked if i would consider going with them, however my husband has stated unless i agree to this 'deal' he will not give me permission to take our son abroad.unfortunatly, my husband is self employed and i am unable to counter any blackmail with applying for half his savings etc. i am sorely tempted to accept this deal to get him out of our lives, however i need 50% of the equity in the house to be able to provide a decent roof over my sons head. please help me

innovate · 11 October 2005 at 6:18AM

Don't try to go through this very difficult time without a solicitor, one who specialises in divorce. See whether you can get a woman solicitor, too - it's often easier to confide in another woman in such situations.

My personal view is that you are entitled to at least half of the house, especially since you are going to care for your child. But this is just my view - you really need to hand the matter to a solicitor.

rchddap1 · 11 October 2005 at 6:37AM

It will be much easier for you if you do deal with this matter through a solicitor. He / she will be able to tell you what you are entitled to and how you can get it. Also, if your 'husband' starts making demands all you need to do is to say 'my solicitor is dealing with this please talk to them'.

Also, he can't use your son to blackmail you. Sounds like he is trying, but don't worry about his demands on this front. Your solicitor may be able to sort this out with a very sharp worded letter.

The key however is what do you want to do? Do you want to stay in the country, or would you like to go? At the end of the day the important one in all this is your son and his future. You have got to do what you think is right...and not simply to get your 'husband' off your back.

Whatever happens he will always (or should be anyway) be around because of his son.

st.tedlo · 11 October 2005 at 7:41AM

Hi
I made the mistake of leaving the home, but have since (15 years later) realised that when there is a child you can stay until the child is 18. As my ex had a great well paid job and I didn't because I chose to look after our daughter myself I ended up in horrific debt atfer accepting ridiclously low settlement of 10K he kept the majority. I was conned and wish I had just stood my ground and stayed in the house. My daughter is now 16 and the property in todays market is worth 150K - I would have been in a very different situation now.
There is no way he could refuse you the right to take your son abroad I believe he is a bully and you need to be very strong and very determined. Good luck xxx

building · 11 October 2005 at 9:02AM

the advantage over your husband if you are looking after your child. you should be able to keep house until child is at least 18 for roof over their head. normally it works out much better for women in the UK so stand your ground. if you need to find a good solicitor ask peopl who have won cases with a certain solicitor for example . if you were local to the middlesex / surrey area i could give you a name though not sure where you are based. also dont forget you should get up to 70% help towards childcare costs paid for by tax credits. i have myself found childminders better than a nursery. my daughter does a few hours here and there.
with regard to going abroad your ex might be making it awkward at the moment because he is hurt . i have seen this before in people . 2 years down the line they are usually not as bothered (obviously i would not like to generalise)

CSA website or by calling them will tell you how much your ex should pay. it is usually a percentage of his salary.

it may be bitter now but it is best to eventually try to stay friends for the child's sake at least.

trickyvicky wrote:

i have been with my husband for 7 years and been married for 4 and we have a 15 month old son. due to many things, mainly my husband having a text affair with a close friend and his complete mistrust of me (unfounded), we are trying to go our seperate ways. my main problem is trying to sell the house in order to release the equity which i need to start a new life. although having nearly £95 k equity in our house, my husband has offerd to give me £30k to 'buy me out' stating that although he is entitled to half my savings and trust funds, which equal at the moment to £10k, if i accept this he will leave them alone. in addition to this he is only offering to pay £160 maintanence a month which although i will get help with tax credits, will not pay for the amount of child care that i have to pay in order to continue working as a nurse. this maintenence is subject to a paternity test which is completelyunnecessary as my son looks like my husband and in no way during t course of our marriage have i been unfaithfull to my husband. my parents are moving abroad in the new year and have asked if i would consider going with them, however my husband has stated unless i agree to this 'deal' he will not give me permission to take our son abroad.unfortunatly, my husband is self employed and i am unable to counter any blackmail with applying for half his savings etc. i am sorely tempted to accept this deal to get him out of our lives, however i need 50% of the equity in the house to be able to provide a decent roof over my sons head. please help me

Fran · 11 October 2005 at 9:39AM

You can get your first advice free from your Citizens Advice Bureau, they will be able to answer your questions re housing, tax credits, childcare help in your area etc. CAB have a lot of information about your rights regarding house etc., they will also be able to tell you solicitors in your area (though wouldn't be able to recommend one). As someone has said, get a solicitor through word of mouth if possible, perhaps someone else who's gone through seperation. My experience of a woman solicitor in the family courts was not good, it depends on the solicitor rather than the gender, you don't need a confidante you need someone to win your case if you go to court and get you the best deal. Re going abroad, at the moment you would be ok taking your son away, it's only if there was a court order that you couldn't. If he wants to get a dna test then let him pay for it!

Good luck.

dastephens · 11 October 2005 at 9:40AM

Every case is different but a friend of mine a few years ago went through a divorce and her solictor was very good. It was agreed that the financial split was to be 70% to her and the children and 30% to her husband. She paid him the 30% difference of the equity in their house so that the children and her could carry on living in the family home.
Many factors have to be took into account like pensions, especially if the woman has been working part-time or not at all and the husband has made more pension contributions.

Problems With Divorce- Please Help

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