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What's 'acceptable' in this situation?
Comments
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Re "all or nothing "attitude and classing what other people accept as "less".
(Not addressed specifically at the poster who mentioned it as she was far calmer in her post than many other key board princesses with derogatory comments towards op) :
It can be spun "I deserve best " as you do. Or it can be spun :" I am not that desperate for attention and affirmation to stop seeing great man just because he does not jump when I say so ".
Live and let live others with less judgement.The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
Or a complete idiot? Sorry, but you have this view of YOURSELF which is totally unreal. You see yourself as the 'longsuffering partner of 'He Who Cannot Get A Divorce'.
I see you as the twit who has been the occasional 'pillow friend' of a man who wont sever ties with his wife.
Name calling is not nice, nor constructive....shame on you
On a more positive note, thank you to all posters who made such intelligent and well constructed posts. I appreciate it very much and I have a lot to think about
I shall step out of this thread now while I ponder my next move.
Thank you all, I really do appreciate the time you have all taken to share your views x0 -
Society used to have really clear rules about what was and wasn't acceptable - and chaperones. I'm glad we don't have those any more. But present rules seem to boil down to we each need to make up our own minds about what is acceptable.
For me a relationship needs to be built on honesty and trust. Saying you are uncomfortable could be interpreted as either you don't trust he is being honest with you, or you think there is more between them than he realises. You don't want him to think you mean the first of these - unless you do!But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,Had the whole of their cash in his care.
Lewis Carroll0 -
But what if that person has no family at all to stay by them? Would that situation have been different if your friend had no family ....perhaps her ex would have felt obliged to be more involved and responsible for her then ?
You said in your first post that there are a couple of friends, so she is not totally alone.
Personally, I understand where you stand because I do think it is possible for a long time married couple to remain close but not romantically so and feel a sort of attachment still. So I don't think it is odd that he would want to go and see her in hospital. The issue from my perspective is the fact that he would feel the need, if it is not a want, to be there all the time, especially when you told him that it made you feel uncomfortable, and that's what I don't think is normal at all, even in there is a still some sort of bond between them.
The fact that you say that the main issue in their marriage was alcohol hints even more to the fact that they didn't separate because they stopped loving each other, but because things got in the way that meant they couldn't live together any longer.
My gut feeling is that they are definitely separated, having accepted that they could never live together, but the love is still very much there. This is why the long distance with you suits him perfectly. Whether this is acceptable to you is up to you. Personally, I could never be in a committed relationship if I believed that my partner still loved his ex most likely more than me, even if he treated me well, because I would torture myself with ifs and whys and I need to feel loved unconditionally, but we are all different.0 -
Re "all or nothing "attitude and classing what other people accept as "less".
(Not addressed specifically at the poster who mentioned it as she was far calmer in her post than many other key board princesses with derogatory comments towards op) :
It can be spun "I deserve best " as you do. Or it can be spun :" I am not that desperate for attention and affirmation to stop seeing great man just because he does not jump when I say so ".
Live and let live others with less judgement.
I think you may have misinterpreted my post. Being a priority in someones life does not equate to them jumping to your every word or whim, it is about shared values and respect and works both ways. I don't judge those who do not need this loyalty but it is less than I would settle for.The most potent weapon of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed. Steve Biko0 -
After eight years what are his reasons for not wanting to live with you or marry you ? As explained before...some cold feet from me, a wife who won't agree and there is property involved so difficult to go ahead when she won't even discuss divorce, let alone sign any agreements etc.
I'm sorry but after five years living apart he doesn't need her consent or her permission to divorce. If she refuses to make a financial agreement a court will do it for her- and it's binding.
He clearly has no desire to divorce her. If you are fine with that - that's your prerogative....however if he's telling you he can't -then he is not telling you the truth. It's won't not can't.I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole
MSE Florida wedding .....no problem0 -
I think you need to take a deep breath here and see this as make or break.
See how it pans out but he can divorce her without her consent, but I think this makes it even less likely now. If he has not forced the issue before this he is hardly likely to do it now.
So, you have to ask yourself why, why has he not severed all ties, I think we can all guess at the answer given his response to her need now. I think it is time you saw the wood for the trees.0 -
Ophelia_10 wrote: »Name calling is not nice, nor constructive....shame on you
On a more positive note, thank you to all posters who made such intelligent and well constructed posts. I appreciate it very much and I have a lot to think about
I shall step out of this thread now while I ponder my next move.
Thank you all, I really do appreciate the time you have all taken to share your views x
I was with my ex 17 years, we separated, then divorced. Been apart 5 years now. We don't have any contact, I've sent him maybe 2 very brief messages via Facebook about our daughter (grown) nothing more.
It's quite unusual, plus the fact that you want him to divorce & he refuses makes you unhappy.
I've only had one relationship since I divorced, with a man who was separated, he didn't divorce, we separated, I think he's back with his wife.
I think you should leave him & find a man who doesn't have another woman (in whatever guise) in the background.
You can leave someone you love, if it's not right for you.0 -
Andypandyboy wrote: »I think you need to take a deep breath here and see this as make or break.
See how it pans out but he can divorce her without her consent, but I think this makes it even less likely now. If he has not forced the issue before this he is hardly likely to do it now.
So, you have to ask yourself why, why has he not severed all ties, I think we can all guess at the answer given his response to her need now. I think it is time you saw the wood for the trees.
To be fair you can get divorced and remain friends /in touch/whatever. Breaking ALL ties isn't compulsory
Some people don't get divorced so they can't remarry but because they don't want another commitment rather than because they want their marriage to work 8 years and he won't divorce her....despite knowing you want him to ......does ring alarm bells.I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole
MSE Florida wedding .....no problem0 -
Why do you feel sorry for her? Do you think she feels sorry for the emotional blackmail she subjected your partner to, which has an effect on your life for the last 8 years?Ophelia_10 wrote: »Found myself in a tricky situation :-(
To cut a long story short (those that click my history will soon get the long version lol), I have been in long-distance relationship with my partner for 8 years now but he has never 'got around' to divorcing his wife.
Sadly, his wife had a seizure on Saturday and is in ICU with suspected encephalitis. I feel very sorry for her as this looks like a very serious condition which has a long road to recovery (if at all). She has been in a medically induced coma since admission.
My problem is....as sorry as I feel for her, my partner spent all day Sat with her, same on Sunday and has visited every evening after work since (an hours drive). I personally think this is too much for what would be an 'ex' had he got around to divorcing her. She didn't want the divorce and hasn't really moved on.
He says she has no one else as she has no family and only a couple of friends and he needs to continue visiting until she is out of danger.
I worry that he is far too involved and has jumped straight into 'devoted husband' role and she will quickly come to rely on him. If she recovers, she will need a lot of long-term rehab work and if/when discharged, a fair amount of support at home. I feel that he is placing himself in this role already :-(
I told him that I don't expect him to be heartless, but this bedside vigil of an ex who is unconscious anyway is too much and that she is his past and I am his future, and that I am uncomfortable with him visiting every single day but he just repeats that he needs to be there until she is out of danger.
It won't be just till then tho....I know he will feel he has to help with the long-term rehab and supporting her at home too, which makes the future for us a bit bleak.
Am I being unreasonable and should I show a bit more compassion? I really don't know whether I'm being heartless or he is being far too involved :-(
Thank you
PS. For the history readers....yes, it is still a very long, old story which looks like it will never get resolved now l:eek::o
In the end it's up to you and what you want in your life. Based on previous behavior do you think her neediness will intensify and if it does are you OK with that? Or do you think you should make the break now and find someone who doesn't have this emotional baggage tying them down.0
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