How did you tell your OH about your debts?

mrs.optimistic

Hi everyone, newbie here. I have just over 20k debts on my credit cards. I am paying over £500 per month on these as they have high APR's (19%, 26%, 29% and 34%). After paying essentials i have NOTHING left over. I usually end up using cards even more for extras (vicious cirlce, i know), but cannot continue to do this as am almost maxed out. Have called the cc companies and asked them if if they can lower my interest rate but they have flatly refused. Anyway, now getting to the point where OH wants to know why i have no money so i will have to tell him. He has paid off my debts before and i promised never to do again. I have now had my LBM and know i need to get help and support and NEVER want to be in this situation again. I feel like i have let him down so badly and am ashamed.

I would like to know how you told your OH and what happened next. Please can you help???

poorandindenial

Hi Mrs Optimistic

I have no joint finances with my OH but he now knows the extent of my debt. There are several schools of thought on thisone, some say you must tell, others say you don't have to. The real solution is what is right for you but if you are going to tell him then go for it, most times OHs react better than we think they will. Some people find it easier if they have a 'get out of it' plan before they confront their other halves. He may be angry and disappointed but you both need to work together to understand how you got into this situation and how you will get out of it. If you have an income you might feel better if you can find a way out using that so that you are repaying your debts.

Please don't beat yourself up, stuff happens, it is how you sort it now that maters,All the best to you and your sitation, take care

Merlot

Welcome to the board, you have taken the first step, which is fantastic.

If you could pop up an soa (incomings and outgoings) and a list of your debts including APR and we will see what we can do.

My advice is, and I know its easy for me to say, but tell your husband, a problem shared and all that, he may be very angry and upset for a while, but don't push the conversation and in a few days you both can sit and discuss your way forward, and with our help you may just have a solution, and your husband will realise that you have taken note of your debt and hopefully appreciate the fact that you opened up to him.

Merlot.x.

loopylou3

Hi, Just wanted to say i am in the same position as you. Am dreading telling DH. I just want to feel the releif that everyone describes once it's out in the open. Every day i plan to tell him but i can't seem to get the words out so i spend another miserable with my big secret. Am thinking of you and hope it goes well. Good luck!

Staciep88

Hi there,

I just want to say that I have never been in your situation, I have however been in your OH's position, a word of advice - the longer you leave it the bigger the problem as you'll spend more. Just sit your partner down and explain what has happened and say that you are really ashamed and dissapointed in yourself which is why you didnt want to tell him but you knew it was for the best to let him know. Also explain that you dont want him to 'bail you out' again as you want to do it by yourself to proove to him that you are sorry for doing it and that you can handle it and it wont happen again. Remember a problem shared is a problem:o I have been trying to either get a 0% balance transfer or another loan on a cheaper rate for my OH's debts which are about £4700. I would suggest that after you tell your OH everything will become clearer and you will start to deal with your problem. Hope that helped a little

x

Runnybabbit

loopylou3 wrote: »

Hi, Just wanted to say i am in the same position as you. Am dreading telling DH. I just want to feel the releif that everyone describes once it's out in the open. Every day i plan to tell him but i can't seem to get the words out so i spend another miserable with my big secret. Am thinking of you and hope it goes well. Good luck!

Hello, Just like to welcome you to this brilliant board which is full of people in the same situation as yourselves, me included. It's nice to hear from you Lou as we have been very worried. If you read Lou's thread which is someone on this board, you can see the thoughts of most people. When I told my OH, sure, he went a bit 'ape' and threw a massive 'hissy fit' BUT, believe you me, I would rather that any day than face the continual nightmare of being alone and confused. My 'dark space' at times, was bordering in the lines of ending it all, which makes me think just how bad times were at that point in my life. All I can say is the longer you leave it, the worse it gets. I talked to my OH about how he flt when I told him and he said "it's because you didn't trust me enough" - I think that says it all really. Good Luck hun, Babbit x

DaisyDaisy82

Hi there,

I'm new here too. I was kind of forced into telling my OH.

I found him going through my mobile and acting really strangely and suspiciously.

We had a big row and it came out that he thought I was cheating on him because he thought I was being so secretive. After a lot of tears I told him the truth about my debts and he didnt really know what to say - guess it was a relief there was no-one else!

He has paid the majority of my debts off, mainly to stop the interest accruing and i'm paying him back a fairly big chunk of my wages each month.

To be honest I felt so ashamed about it and he didnt take it lightly. But I think it has brought us so much closer because i've 'let him in'.

Bunnyinthelights

I told my husband 2.5 years ago I was £52k in debt-he didnt know...

It didnt go very well, as I expceted but after about 3 days he calmed down and was extremely suppportive-I think because this time I had a plan of action in effect and wasnt asking him to 'bail' me out AGAIN and then him finding out several of his mates had been in the same situation really did help.

We've since split up but not over money strangely...Honestly.

kpwll

It has only been just under 3 wks since my husband found out about my debt, it came out when we were having a row of sorts (not a good idea), he did not take it very well and what he said to me and what he called me were not very pleasant (even tho they were deserved). I thought he was going to go, he made me tell our grown-up children. Things were not nice for a week, I didn't sleep or eat, but I was relieved that he knew because things couldn't have gone on as they were. During that week I contacted Payplan and got the ball rolling. Then we talked, I found out how much I'd hurt and disappointed him, we both cried, he didn't understand where all the money had gone, or why I hadn't told him 10 years earlier when I had the first card and not wait until I was in such an horrendous mess, it was because I was petrified of his reaction. We will get thro this together, the children have been brilliant with their support. It is still early days but at the moment I can honestly say that things are better between us. I don't know when he will trust me again but that is for me to show him that I can be trustworthy again. The best thing is, he still loves me and tells me he always will. I hope everything works out well for you.

mountainofdebt

I can't tell you it will be easy, either telling him or dealing with the fallout.

OH found out the extent of our debt a few weeks ago and, like so many on these boards, didn't speak to me for a couple of days and to be honest, whilst there are days when I think we will be ok and come through this, there are other times when he appears to be taking the attitude that I'm a child who can't be trusted, and which does cause abit of resentment.

Perhaps before you tell him, you can have a critical look at your budget and see what little cutbacks you can make, to see if you can ease the situation.....I cancelled 2 sky channels a fortnight ago abd as yet no-one has noticed, so that saved us £2. OK its only £2 but £2 is £2 to throw at the debt.

Take care and if you want to PM me then please feel free.