How do you get your spouse to be on the same page?

PLavoie_2

Related post: http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=931001

I'm having trouble getting my spouse to understand the financial trouble I am in. For those who can relate, how did you deal with the problem? Thanks.

smashedbooboo

Well done for posting a new thread, hopefully you will get loads of advice here hun. A lot of people are in the same situation as you. Good luck x

hypno06

Hi, I am glad that you have posted again.

One thing to do is "accept" for the time being the hurt and anger that OH has towards you. Understand why she feels that way.

Now, make a plan of action - so you don't just have a problem, you also have a solution.

Brainstorm - write down as many things as you can think of that will bring the books back into balance.

Include all the things you pick up off here, like going from the "green" angle rather than the "poor" angle. Work out the costs you can save from each thing.

Then you will have to sit down, properly sit down, not on the phone, with OH and show her the figures, show her where things don't add up and show her what can be done to reduce the problem.

She make take a while to come round, but right now she is hurting and angry.

PLavoie_2

hypno06 wrote: »

Hi, I am glad that you have posted again.

One thing to do is "accept" for the time being the hurt and anger that OH has towards you. Understand why she feels that way.

Now, make a plan of action - so you don't just have a problem, you also have a solution.

Brainstorm - write down as many things as you can think of that will bring the books back into balance.

Include all the things you pick up off here, like going from the "green" angle rather than the "poor" angle. Work out the costs you can save from each thing.

Then you will have to sit down, properly sit down, not on the phone, with OH and show her the figures, show her where things don't add up and show her what can be done to reduce the problem.

She make take a while to come round, but right now she is hurting and angry.

The plan I have in my mind now is to not make any big changes like selling house or cars, but instead, trim down on all our spending bit by bit. And hopefully I can "ease" her into it, and not slam her into a brick wall. But this will be a test for myself as well, as I also cannot control my spending habit.

poppyoscar_3

i think that's a good idea for a start, but your wife will need to know what the consequences will be if this softly, softly approach doesn't work.

if she doesn't get real, i think i would suggest that she starts to work to finance what she wants to do. i wonder if she could start to work from home so that the jonses don't know she's doing it?

the responsibility should not be all yours. this is the 21st century - women work - a career and children is now the norm.

i really feel for you, but i think you're beginning to sound more determined.

Good luck

PO xx

kizzykizzywizzy

Hi there, I think you are right in your situation to gradually cut back, otherwise, your family & YOU will feel very deprived!!
I started cutting back bit by bit, & then got to the point where things I thought I had to have " as a treat" such as a couple of bottles of wine, here & there, I just didn't want to spend the money on as i could pay a bit more off or use it to buy food.
Now I've paid my debt off, I do have the odd treat, but must admit I will never go back to being so materialistic, or lazy really, I mean, you don't NEED to have takeaways, it's just a lazy option & home cooked tastes so much better than ready meals, I nearly threw a duvet cover away, because the buttons had fallen off!, found some buttons, sewed them on - good as new, the same with a school cardigan of my daughters, used the buttons from one she'd grown out of. There is just too much waste in this throwaway society & much of it is through lazyness I'm afraid, It's easy to get into debt, & very hard work to get out of it, your wife should be proud that you are willing to take on this extra "work"
Good luck to you :A & I know you've got bigger debt than I had ( mine was £20,000 ) but small things you save on & little cut backs make all the difference, even if it is just cutting out buying a newspaper or magazines

smashedbooboo

To get your wife to be on the same page as you, you need to be reading the same book hun. But first of all you need to turn the pages yourself. You cant expect her to do anything if you yourself dont start to make changes. You have a lot more to lose other than the lifestyle. Cut back now, re educate yourself on the spending stuff. And then later on you will be able revisit this lifestyle but without the worries. And you have to ask yourself. Are you happy with this lifestyle. Or is it a replacement for something else. Money cant buy you happiness, but it can buy you a misery you well prefer. I would rather be without the stress.

hypno06

When I first started on this site, I found it useful to keep a notebook of all the things that I was doing, which then reminded me on those days that it felt as though I was wading through jelly, that I HAVE already made progress.

So, if you have stopped buying that paper on the way to work, saving you $2 a day (for example), write it down, so you can see that you are in fact saving $40 a month or $480 a year!!

The little things that you talk about really DO make a difference, but of course you will have to make some of the bigger more drastic changes in due course.

jak

You need to lay things on the line really. If you spend beyond your means the consequences will be X...
I have a similar problem with my dh, he has no concept of money and he doesn't want to! However, if I say to him, we are saving on X so we can go on a nice holiday he sees the sense! It works the other way too tho...If we DON'T save on X, we won't be able to go on holiday! Which would you rather have?
I think you need to try the softly approach if you think it can work, but let your wife nknow what will happen if this doesn't work. She's got the option then of HOPEFULLY sorting things out!
Hope that hekps. It can be an uphill struggle, I know! Good luck and keep coming on here for support. It really does help.
J
X

GeorgeUK

To be honest, i'm a little surprised not by her reaction, but by her choice of words. It's almost a Marie-Antoinette type statement. I understand that she enjoys the lefestyle and the spending that goes with it, but does she contribute to the household. Not really meaning an income, but does she do the book keeping or household finances? I was going to ask about budgeting, but i guess that's why you're here.

Have you had a chance to speak to her about it, or is she putting all the responsability on you? You're not the only one that was spending, but it could take a bit of adjustment for her to stop. It may be that she doesn't know what the full financial picture is and will need to sit down and crunch the numbers with you.

I would suggest doing this, but also having a strategy of how you will deal with the debts. As you say, a gentle and considered approach would be best but you would also need to monitor that any changes you were relying on were met. If your wife is used to the freedom of buying what she wants when shopping, comparing the last few months bills to see how much she spends then trying to create a budget from that may be best. If she just doesn't get the concept of what the debt could mean if the spending goes on unchecked - that would be the time to paint a bleak picture. (Do we sell the cars or the house) Hopefully a shock to the system like that would give her her lightbulb moment.

good luck

jak

I mean- be clear about the situation BUT explain that if you try the 'softly softly' approach of not selling the house etc. and it doesn't work THEN things will get harder!
Is that clearer now incisor?