Humerous Saving Tips

weedavieaxe

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found these on another site

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You never know when these tips will come in handy!

- If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

- Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king
thing in the first place.

- Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

- Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

- Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

-Hey Girls, too old to go on that 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get !!!!!!,
lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you
over the fence.

- Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

- X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.


- Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to the object you wish to view.

- Putting just the right amount of vodka in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

- Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

- Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

- Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.

- A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

- An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

- Have you got vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice
bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu,
meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't
know any difference.

- Have you been invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that
since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary
requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

- Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

- Motorists, enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen,sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red
lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

- Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.

- A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep.