Daily Chat: May 21st

notanothergreyhair

Toto wrote: »

ok, I've just had a read. And I really can relate to it. You remind me a lot of me when I was your age. Actually you are a lot more in control than I was, I was a single mum to my son, living in a rented flat and struggling to make sense of all the directions I was making myself go in.

As I've said, like you I was a young mum. When I first had my son I was flat broke and was struggling to make ends meet. I didn't have debt, in those days it was a lot harder to come by, which I'm thankful for. But, one day as I spent an hour with my hand down the back of my tatty sofa trying to reach a 50p coin, enough to feed my son for the day, I had a little breakdown. This wasn't how I wanted our lives to be. I was bored, unstimulated, and becoming depressed with the rut. So, I made a plan.

That day, I bundled my boy into his buggy and walked 6 miles to the university. I had no idea what I wanted to do, I just wanted to do something other than what I was doing. I just had a vague idea that I'd do something which would become my career (and in a round about and totally random way i did). Choosing a course that day was pretty much like sticking a pin in a map. I didn't really have the confidence to think I could be good at anything, but I thought the social sciences sounded interesting so I informed the uni that I would be doing that and that they would be accepting me onto the course, there was no if or but about it, and if I would be starting the following month. The woman smiled at me and handed me a bunch of forms to take away, of course i filled them out there and then and handed them back. 3 days later with no interview I had a letter to say they had accepted me.

So, now I was a single skint mum and a student. In those days there was no tax credits or any real help. I had to apply for a small grant (which didn't even cover childcare) and I wasn't entitled to housing benefit because I was a student. There was no choice but to find a job which would pay for our day to day needs. I ended up having to work 3 jobs, I had a cleaning job in the mornings from 5 am and a bar job in the evenings. At weekends i worked in the student union bar working on stage, setting up the bands and doing lighting. My little lad came with me on the early morning cleaning and if I couldn't find a babysitter he would come with me at the weekends too. In all, I must have been sleeping no more than 4 hours a night and didn't have a day off in 3 years. Sometimes I would feel over the moon, full of life and hope, other days I felt like i wanted to vanish into a hole and never come out. It was all just too much.

Now, I started playing drums when I was around 7 and had always kept playing, just for pleasure really.

During the weekend when I was in the student union, I would set up the band kit and do the sound check. I used to sit there for an hour or more tuning and playing kit. It was my little escape. The bands loved it, the drummy always had a perfectly tuned kit and could just walk on stage and play. many times, the sound engineer would ask why I wasn't working full time as a musician. My answer, I don't really know how... I mean, I'm not really that good. I did start to feel the pull of the music department more and more though and started spending any spare time I had in the practice studios, just playing.

To cut a stupidly long story short, I was given a business card one day after a sound check and was told to give the guy a call, he ran an agency for session musicians and thought he might be able to get me a gig or two.... and I guess the rest is history.

But to get back to the point of this ramble. I spent 3 years of my sons life in chaos, my mood was up and down, I really didn't devote the time and attention to him which perhaps I should have done. He was either in nursery, with a babysitter or being dragged around between my jobs. And I knew it; I felt the guilt. Sometimes I look back over the years and think, god, I've not been a great parent to the kids, it got no better when the girls were born. By then I was a full time musician and they spent the first years of their lives being dragged from venue to venue, bus to bus. But i know I did the right thing.

What you are going through at the moment is the chaos chapter. You are finding your feet and trying to make a clear pathway to your future. I know you feel guilt because you maybe aren't devoting all of your attention to Ste and the girls, but I think you'll find they really don't mind. One day when you are 100 years old (like me) you'll look back and think, I'm glad I did what I did. Life before the chaos wasn't acceptable for you and wasn't your future. Don't forget you are teaching your kids that life is out there, but it doesn't come to you, you need to make sacrifices and work to go and grab what you want. That's a great lesson for them.

I don't know if any of that has helped at all, or even if you got to the end of this epic. But I hope you know that you aren't alone in feeling the ups and downs. Long term they didn't do me any harm.

I was in the middle of writing this message earlier when my laptop temporarily died.

What I wanted to say is that your post, Toto, is the best I have read in a very long time. I'm going to nominate it for post of the month right away.

floss2

notanothergreyhair wrote: »

I was in the middle of writing this message earlier when my laptop temporarily died.....

I was doing the same & got timed out.

notanothergreyhair wrote: »

.....What I wanted to say is that your post, Toto, is the best I have read in a very long time. I'm going to nominate it for post of the month right away.

I agree, I'm nominating too.

Toto, you should print that post & save it for ALL your kids to read - and your OH when he gets home - hopefully it will help them when they face challenges in life. :A

Lucifa73

How do you nominate - I think Toto's post was great

Burlesque_Babe

Bunnyinthelights wrote: »

And btw, left Turkey with the vets to have him looked all over. The vet says he isn't on deaths door,

I heard myself go 'phew' when I read that - your cats are lovely. Didn't get to know Turkey when I was at your place as he had done a disappearing act at injection time, but I'm totally in love with Turnip the dog-cat!!! I've never known a cat to be so affectionate - just like a dog!

Sar - if I was nearer, i'd be on the train to come and have a few beers with you in response to your facebook status!

immoral_angeluk

keren29 wrote: »

Sar - if I was nearer, i'd be on the train to come and have a few beers with you in response to your facebook status!

Aww thank you hunny.

Burlesque_Babe

ooh, I would - definitely - I've no 'real-life' friends really near by, it's a bit of 'that's the way I am' plus a bit of leaving myold job and those people behind, a year on my own in the house each day and trying to start afresh in the new job.

I've never been one for getting really friendly with people I work with - I've always been a bit 'ships in the night', I kind of think once I've left somewhere - what would I have to talk about with them?

I've just read your 'rant' and what I want to say is that it will all come out in the wash - and for the better.

At 22, almost 23, I'd bought a house with my now ex - a good move in hindsight because of the way prices rocketed through the 90s but very costly at the time - mortgage rates were similar to today, we had no car between us as it had caught fire with a fuel leak and the insurance money (£400) probably just got swallowed up. I walked to work every day whatever the weather, getting to the supermarket was a nightmare, we were both in poorly paid jobs as we'd only just graduated but in a recession. We had debt from a stupid consolidation loan (but still no money!!), hand me down furniture, no social life and every lunchtime I had to walk home, make some homemade chips and walk back because that's about all we had in the house I could use for lunch!!! I didn't even have enough to get a hot chocolate or soup other than the occasional gathering of (literally) pennies to feed into the machine at work It wasn't fun at times.

'My life at 22' isn't a case of 'woe is me', it's more about how amazingly well you are doing in comparison!!! You are doing brilliantly well getting things in place for a fantastic future, much, much better than I ever was at 22, so you should be bloody proud of what you've achieved, but it's time to just 'stop' for a bit and decide which bits you really want to develop further - either within your family, or academically, or career-wise, as you can't do them all - you'll keel over!!!!!!

I know how you feel about the days rolling into one and the loneliness - this time last year I was just coming out of that awful crap I went through at work and didn't know which way to turn some days.

Maybe make a list of everything and write down all your feelings - positive and negative about each one and see where that takes you.

cat4772

Just logged into pigsback to do my quiz entries and see if there were any piggy-clicks and noticed my piggypoints balance had gone up. Turns out I won the clubhouse quiz today:j :j :j :j :j

So now i'm looking to see what I could spend those piggypoints on:D

Cat.x

bank_of_slate

immoral_angeluk wrote: »

Oh hun so sorry to read this. Missed your first message but sending my thoughts and hugs your way hun.
:grouphug:

This is the beauty of the people on this particular board....no matter what you're going through there is always a hug, a smile and support for others offered without question.

Sar, you're an amazing woman and don't forget it!!!!
...Linda xxx

Bunnyinthelights

Mrs Spendalot,
I'm sorry to hear your news-it seems to be catching...

Burlesque_Babe

because OH is out watching the footy and to draw a line under an 'extravagant' birthday/cake related week on SW, I've decided to treat myself to a chinese.

I decided to try a couple of the half size portions which come with half portions of rice or chips, I thought it would just be little taster sizes. There's tonnes of it!! They are half big tub sizes, so about the same as a normal tub!! And it came with free spring rolls!!

Anyone want some chinese? I seem to have a kitchen full of it!