Help for a compulsive gambler

laurasbump

I found out at Christmas time that my boyfriend had run up over 40k worth of debts, mostly through gambling but we also had a luxurious/materialistic lifestyle.

I posted on this site and got some very helpful feedback and have managed since in tightening belts and living on a realistic budget, enabling us to stay afloat and pay off the debts over about 4 years, or so I thought.

Yesterday, I checked his bank balance and in the last month he has spent £5000 on gambling - £3800 on cash withdrawals (so possibly not all but mostly taken for high stake fruit machines) and £1100 on online gambling. Fortunately / unfortunately (?!) he managed to win quite a bit back so has ended the month £1300 down. Ignoring the return, he's risked so much and I am beside myself with anxiety. I just don't know where to start. Our first child is due any day now and I have no one to confide in. He has now admitted that he has a gambling problem. I should have done more about it at Christmas time but I just thought that getting found out would be enough of a kick up the backside. It's obviously more than just a social passtime.

I feel such a fool and must appear quite naive... over the last few months I have been telling him about all the money saving that I've been doing: saving £80 by switching suppliers, selling books on Amazon, buying the cheaper brands at the supermarket. What really makes me laugh is that he umms and aahs about paying £20 for a pair of leather shoes for work, that are half price. He rarely buys anything for himself that's new but is very generous with other people; quite often buying gifts for me and his mum.

Does anyone have any practical advice? Should I take control of his accounts? I have access to all of his accounts, pin numbers and cards. Are there any good websites/books/organisations that I can take a look at?

I feel very lost and out of my depth. The tears stopped yesterday and I now know that I have to take action or risk our relationship. I am not willing to put up with this in the longterm but can't bear the idea that this could lead to ruin both financially and emotionally.

Help!

Thanks,

Laura

LilacPixie

Sorry I have no real experience of this. Heres some hugs tho.

I have a little bit of advice which may help you but as I say i have no specific experience of a gambling problem.

Firstly he has admitted and accepted he has a problem which is a huge step forwards. Has he contacted any gambling problem support groups such as this one http://http://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/ If not I think he should. You should also contct them for some practicaladvice.

With regards to taking control of the money you might find that helpful, my husband tends to squander money so he now has a seperate account with a visa electron card and he gets £20 a week spends into that for him to do with what he wants.

Good luck.

chevalier

There are a couple of things you can do, which will help him, but also signal to you how strong his commitment is to NOT gambling.

The first thing he can do is he can ask the gambling websites to ban him from their site, and to block his ISP/cards from registering a new account with them. I think he can set how long this can be for, but he can ask for it to be a life ban. And sadly I would watch whilst he does this, so you can be sure he really has done it.

Next there is some computer software called gamblock which you can install on your computer(s), so that he can't get to the sites even if he wanted to.

Of course this isn't going to stop other forms of gambling, but it does cut off one way of doing it.

Finally you both need to start going to Gamblers Anonymous. It will help your OH to see how distructive gambling can be, and help him to overcome it. I think there is also a family support group but am not sure. GA will also help him to find out WHY he gambles. It may be something silly like worrying about whether he can support the child, and gambling being an 'easy' way to make money. Or there maybe another reason.

This will be hard work for both of you to work through. So you have to decide whether you should tell your respective parents. Then you would both get support (I hope), but also some home truths that you OH may not want to hear.

Ref the bank accounts. He has abused your trust, wasted money you need for debts, and planning for a baby. In this instance then yes I would take over the money, until you believe you can trust him again. BUT if his credit score is still good there is nothing to stop him from taking out another card to get money. Sorry if this is harsh, but having had a compulsive gambler in the family, they can be extremely devious to get their fix.

Best of luck
chev