Be more confident

paul4798

Hi can anybody suggest ways or books to read to improve my confidence.

thanks

Paul

vansboy

What makes you think you're not confidenf??

I'd say it's a state of mind & the fact you may let people appear more confident, than you.

I'd say......

Practice the 3 C's - Commonsense, Communication, Contol - you can apply this to ANY situation....

Commonsense - now if i do 'this' what will happen???(You obviously only want to do whatever 'this' is, that gives you the required result!So onnly do the correct 'this'!!

Communication - If you don't know what 'this' is - or how to do it ... ASK someone who does!!Then do it!!

Control - when you're doing 'this' the way thats correct - no corner cutting, doing it in a hurry, or having just good enough, you can ONLY get it right!!So, do it properly.

You'll hear all about Positive Mental Attitude - I'm GOING to win the match, that sort of thing, too.

& 'only associating with confident people' suggestions.

Or even hypnotism!!

Plenty of ideas around!!

Remember, it's all in your mind!!

VB

Savvy_Sue

Good ideas from vansboy. What do you want to be more confident about? Asking girls out? Speaking up in meetings at work? Getting good service in a shop?

Try and find someone - friend, family member, colleague, tutor - who you a) trust and b) feel has more confidence than you, and ask them to encourage you.

Start with things you don't feel too scared by, and work up from there.

Don't over-analyse afterwards. Dwell on what went well, and accept congratulations, encouragement. BELIEVE THEM!

There are courses eg in assertiveness training, speaking circles etc. If there's a particular area you want to develop, look for something like that. Amateur dramatics is another area to explore: even offering to help with props or backstage rather than going out front might boost your confidence!

It's no accident that con-man is shorthand for a confidence trickster. Most apparently confident people are bluffing, to a certain extent. What we show isn't necessarily what we feel. In my case, I really don't feel like a confident person, yet when I said I was thinking of doing assertiveness training my friends and family fell about laughing! That's how good I am!

paul4798

thanks for your comments its more about speaking up in one to one meetings with my boss ie I do not feel confident enough to say what im good at. I have never been able to blow my own trumpet. I am fine in the office i will comment but when it comes to meeting i freeze.

One example is that is was my review meeting at work and i did not feel confident of what to say etc i just froze and became all nervous.

I suppose practice is the only thing or is there any online websites?

thanks

Paul

Fran

Paul I know exactly how you feel, particularly in job interviews. I can be one way or another at an interview, and can't work out a formula to get out of it. At some interviews I don't have a problem at all then at other ones (more important if I fail perhaps?) I freeze up and can't even answer the simplest of questions !

With those "review" type of situations it can depend on the person you have the review with. Some bosses etc. are difficult to have a one to one with and others aren't, it's possibly their insecurity that you pick up on rather than your own, or they are so dominating that they make you feel nervous.

I'm not sure that all these courses etc. would necessarily help. Perhaps thinking about it like an act or performance might help though and "learning your lines" beforehand - preparation of exactly what you want to say so that even if you feel nervous the things you need to say are fresh enough in your mind to come out anyway.

mini

is it fear that is holding you back? If you think I will boss "xyz" he may say lots of different worst case scenarios, he may disagree etc by thinking about it you make it bigger in your head than it actually is & put yourself off saying it. A good book is Feel the Fear & Do It Anyway by Susan jeffers if you can relate to what I'm saying. Keep things in perspective, you could write down what yyou wnatto say in advance,just key points, if you blush/stutter so what? at least you've said it & it's all good practice.

Another point is if someone compliments you, don'ty try & belittle it say thanks, believe me it feels great to accept it ;D

I am sure I have read somewhere about asking friends colleauges to make a list of 10 positives about you, you'd be surprised, I asked the first friend & she laughed & asked why on earth I'd want to know ??? Other people just did as I had asked & I was very pleasantly surprised

Good luck

mini

vansboy

So, in a 1-2-1 meet, you...

Go straight into the meeting, if you can - don't give yourself time to think of it going wrong.

If you're asked to take a seat, while you wait - DON'T - polite response is, 'I could do with standing for a moment or 2, been driving/on the train/on the computer & need to stretch my legs. This way you will be either taller, or at least at eye level with your appointment.So you won't be feeling 'looked down on'.

Don't have too much small talk - when it's your turn to respond, say.. ' I know this may sound unusual, but as I've some importatnt things to mention, I've made a few notes, I'm sure you don't mind.... then go straight into your chat.

Read from 'bullet points' don't write it all out, else you will be just reading, rather than talking.

Your boss/whoever will see this as someone who's put thought into what they want to say & are even more in control, than someone just going to a meeting, empty handed.

Old wives tales of imagining the other person sitting on the loo, or even naked, may, or maybe not give some more strength to you!!

VB

bridiej

I had hypnotherapy several year ago to help me gain confidence.

It really did the trick, although I find I am still shy when meeting large groups of people I dont know so maybe I need a "top up"!!

Savvy_Sue

thanks for your comments its more about speaking up in one to one meetings with my boss ie I do not feel confident enough to say what im good at. I have never been able to blow my own trumpet. I am fine in the office i will comment but when it comes to meeting i freeze.

One example is that is was my review meeting at work and i did not feel confident of what to say etc i just froze and became all nervous.

I suppose practice is the only thing or is there any online websites?

It is at least partly practice. My son needs to write his personal statement for his UCAS form and he doesn't know what to write! When I say "Tell them how much you enjoy X" he says "Why should anyone care about that?" So I say "Tell them how good you are at doing Y" and he says "But I'm not!" I will never forget reading him a letter which started "He is an able child ..." - "No I'm not!" came his interruption, so I went on - "... but he may have difficulty accepting this." He started to say "No I don't" but realised there was nothing at all he could say!

I have had lots of practice of writing job applications so I now know how to make the best of myself: I remember how hard it used to be before I had much experience. When I started work these 1:1 reviews were quite rare, and I think I would have been scared witless! Especially with some of my managers.

If you've recently had a review and don't feel you did justice to yourself, do you feel able to talk to your boss about it? Or if you're better in writing than face to face (which I am!), jot a brief email or memo saying you feel you may not have done full justice to yourself and you would also like x, y and z taken into account. If you work for a larger firm, ask Personnel if they can offer any help.

Also if you get a rebuff from asking for anything, don't take it as a knockback. You are right to ask for help with developing to your full potential, and a good company / manager / human resources dept will welcome it.

Preparation in advance is a good idea too. Don't think of it as blowing your own trumpet if that's too difficult, more in terms of "My contribution to the overall team effort" or "What you'd miss if I weren't here" or something like that.

And all the best!

Savvy_Sue

I had hypnotherapy several year ago to help me gain confidence.

It really did the trick, although I find I am still shy when meeting large groups of people I dont know so maybe I need a "top up"!!

I don't mind public speaking to large groups of entire strangers as long as I know what I want to say. After all, I reason, if I make a complete fool of myself I will never see any of them ever again! (Probably.)

But parties and social events where I have to talk to small groups of people I don't know - agh! I think partly it's 'cos I'm going deaf and can't hear what half of them are saying any more, but I hate it! Leave me at home in front of the telly, I say!