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My diary so far.....
dingdangdo_2
Posts: 35 Forumite
Hi all,
Myself and OH both went BR last August, it took a hell of a lot to build up to doing. Neither of us were great with money and when we bought our first house we had about £15k debt between us already. I would be wrong to say that it didn't bother us, we both had been bailed out by our parents a couple of times already and had been incredibly upset by it. The first time my parents bailed me was when i was 21, I was £10k in debt - with nothing to show for it. I was studying at Uni at the time and to be honest just spent and spent and spent even though I couldn't afford it. OH was also bailed out a few times by his Mum, again nothing to show for the debt which made it even harder. It was utterly pathetic that we had no control over our finances. Both relied heavily on very good parents. We both had these tendencies before we even met so when we got together it got even worse. Spent money with no regard for what was in the bank, even though deep down it bothered us both it wasn't a huge problem so we just enjoyed ourselves.
Then we decided to buy our first house in 2005, a three bed full renovation project. I have to take the blame on this one a bit, I always wanted to own my own home and even more importantly wanted to renovate it myself. Oh would have taken it or left it, buying wasn't a big issue. But I wanted us to move in together and create our own home, not pay someone else's mortgage and know that it would never truly my home.
So the renovation began, as did the ridiculous spending. We renovated hard for 6 months and I it, well I loved seeing the house take shape, I didn't love the money struggles. I found something that i truly enjoyed doing, it didn't bore me like most things would. We both worked full time in the day and then spent time at the house in the evenings. It was very hard work and at times very stressful! But it was ours and it was exciting. Unfortunately, our tastes were far too expensive and the budget grew and grew, in fact after the first 2/3 months I just stopped trying to keep on top of the spending. It was pointless, i knew at that early stage that we were in way over our heads, so did OH but neither of us wanted to say it. We moved in and spent a year at the house, finishing bits off and trying to enjoy it, but with the financial problems it started to show in our relationship and we separated briefly. Thankfully we sorted things out and got back to work on the house.
Then we had a sudden loss, OH's Mum died and the whole situation was very complicated. It hit him, and me badly and I think making the house even nicer was a way of coping, I remember coming back from the funeral and going on a massive spending spree in a garden center, it was a way of cheering ourselves up. It scared me though, rightly so. Later in the year we realised that we were in a real mess so knew it was time to sell up and try to pay back some money. We bought the house for £115k and sold it on the first viewing for £173k. We paid all of the 'profit' to our main creditor but were still left in debt. Just before the sale went through we found out that my Mum had being diagnosed with a tumor in her spinal cord, it hit me like I can't describe. We moved in with my parents for 6 months and then decided to move town and buy ourselves a small house and make a fresh start. Mum had neurosurgery last Jan and came through ok, its taking a while but.....We used our time at my parents to pay some more cash back hoped we were doing ok.
So we bought the new place last May, we weren't sure if it was the right thing to do but I desperately wanted to stay on the ladder and not rent. Stupid looking back but I was desperate. The new house is much smaller, we downsized quite a lot! However, it didn't take long for reality to set in. We were still in huge debt, in all honesty we didn't realise how much until I sat down one day and added up all the bills/loans. It was huge, around £90k. We lost the plot, life had been incredibly hard for a long time and I felt so stupid for not being able to face the reality of our debts. We the majority on the renovation - we used cards and loans to do the work and to live on. It still shocks me that the figure was that high, I felt so guilty, we had been bailed out by parents in the past and this was how we repaid them - by getting into an even worse state. We were both at rock bottom. That is when we accepted that we had to go BR. It took months for us to both accept it, OH suggested it a while before I came round, I just thought we would find another way out. As time went on though I realised that there was no other way. I couldn't cope with crying day in day out, neither could OH. We both felt and still do feel so ashamed of how we got into this mess. It was like an addiction that we couldn't face up to.
So in August last year we both were declared BR. We were so stressed on the lead up, I was a nervous wreck and was constantly crying. I thought I was going to pass out in the court, I'll never forget how much of a mess I was in on that day. The Judge was great with me, unfortunately he wasn't so kind to OH, obviously he took pity on the 27 year old female but not on the 36 year old male. In fact our experiences were totally different. I came out with a weight lifted and spent the rest of the day at home watching films, OH spent the rest of the day feeling like a criminal. So even though the debts were mainly joint and money had gone on the same things he was much harsher on the male which was very unfair.
We are now 7 months on and have been arguing with the OR for most of this about our SOA, we have been handled quite horribly so far, I think because we are a single couple that both work full time the OR see's no reason for us not to pay an IPA. It doesn't necessarily work like that though. We just about make ends meet each month and an IPA would put serious strain on us, well there just isn't room in our budget, simple as that. So the OR has used the tactic of trying to disallow one of our cars so that it then free's up some income each month for an IPA. They haven't listened to the reasons for keeping the car because both are registered to OH. He can't have two so my reasons are irrelevant. We have put up a real fight and I made a third party offer last week of £100 and it has been accepted! Both cars are old, mine is worth £300-400 max. Anyway, that has finally been agreed so i have to send them payment this week I think.
I'm obviously very pleased but I am still worried about what will come next, its been going on so long for us now. I hope that by letting me buy the car I can now have it exempted - surely to god this is the case, they wouldn't accept my offer and then make us get rid all the same would they? Unfortunately I know that this is exactly what could happen as our OR has been very sneaky with us from day one. We have been threatened with court for an IPO about three times now, it petrifies me and all we can do is reiterate our SOA and hope that by being consistent we are helping our case, unlike the OR.
This has been an amazingly long post I know, I just felt the need to tell my story on here. I would be lying if i said BR has been easy, it hasn't. We have found it incredibly hard going. We fully accept that getting into debt was our own fault but we don't think we have been treated fairly at all. I have been on anti-depressants for the last 6 months and am very up and down. Even today i have called in sick because I just can't face anyone or anything. Debt has taken over our lives for the past 2 years and we are desperate to put it all behind us. I know that this post might not give everyone the perk up they may need but its the reality. BR is far from the easy option, emotially and mentally we are both a mess. We are getting through it and we are positive that we made the right decision when we went BR. I would do it again if I had to, I would rather have the stress now than the stress of all that debt.
I have read so many posts where people have got through it fairly easily and it made me feel awful and victimized and jealous. I'm ashamed to have to say that but its true. I know that subconsciously I have probably picked out the posts that have been positive and then made myself feel crap. Thats depression for you. But I am sure that there are loads of people out there who have had a really tough time and BR has dragged on and on and their OR has been horrendous.You aren't alone!
When I look back now i wish we had sold the original house earlier and I am still 50/50 on whether or not we should have bought this place. We are still learning but can honestly say financially we are on top of things. I am fanatical about it, check the bank daily, have spreadsheets to account for every penny spent etc - a little late but I know we will never ever be in this mess again. For that I am sure.
Myself and OH both went BR last August, it took a hell of a lot to build up to doing. Neither of us were great with money and when we bought our first house we had about £15k debt between us already. I would be wrong to say that it didn't bother us, we both had been bailed out by our parents a couple of times already and had been incredibly upset by it. The first time my parents bailed me was when i was 21, I was £10k in debt - with nothing to show for it. I was studying at Uni at the time and to be honest just spent and spent and spent even though I couldn't afford it. OH was also bailed out a few times by his Mum, again nothing to show for the debt which made it even harder. It was utterly pathetic that we had no control over our finances. Both relied heavily on very good parents. We both had these tendencies before we even met so when we got together it got even worse. Spent money with no regard for what was in the bank, even though deep down it bothered us both it wasn't a huge problem so we just enjoyed ourselves.
Then we decided to buy our first house in 2005, a three bed full renovation project. I have to take the blame on this one a bit, I always wanted to own my own home and even more importantly wanted to renovate it myself. Oh would have taken it or left it, buying wasn't a big issue. But I wanted us to move in together and create our own home, not pay someone else's mortgage and know that it would never truly my home.
So the renovation began, as did the ridiculous spending. We renovated hard for 6 months and I it, well I loved seeing the house take shape, I didn't love the money struggles. I found something that i truly enjoyed doing, it didn't bore me like most things would. We both worked full time in the day and then spent time at the house in the evenings. It was very hard work and at times very stressful! But it was ours and it was exciting. Unfortunately, our tastes were far too expensive and the budget grew and grew, in fact after the first 2/3 months I just stopped trying to keep on top of the spending. It was pointless, i knew at that early stage that we were in way over our heads, so did OH but neither of us wanted to say it. We moved in and spent a year at the house, finishing bits off and trying to enjoy it, but with the financial problems it started to show in our relationship and we separated briefly. Thankfully we sorted things out and got back to work on the house.
Then we had a sudden loss, OH's Mum died and the whole situation was very complicated. It hit him, and me badly and I think making the house even nicer was a way of coping, I remember coming back from the funeral and going on a massive spending spree in a garden center, it was a way of cheering ourselves up. It scared me though, rightly so. Later in the year we realised that we were in a real mess so knew it was time to sell up and try to pay back some money. We bought the house for £115k and sold it on the first viewing for £173k. We paid all of the 'profit' to our main creditor but were still left in debt. Just before the sale went through we found out that my Mum had being diagnosed with a tumor in her spinal cord, it hit me like I can't describe. We moved in with my parents for 6 months and then decided to move town and buy ourselves a small house and make a fresh start. Mum had neurosurgery last Jan and came through ok, its taking a while but.....We used our time at my parents to pay some more cash back hoped we were doing ok.
So we bought the new place last May, we weren't sure if it was the right thing to do but I desperately wanted to stay on the ladder and not rent. Stupid looking back but I was desperate. The new house is much smaller, we downsized quite a lot! However, it didn't take long for reality to set in. We were still in huge debt, in all honesty we didn't realise how much until I sat down one day and added up all the bills/loans. It was huge, around £90k. We lost the plot, life had been incredibly hard for a long time and I felt so stupid for not being able to face the reality of our debts. We the majority on the renovation - we used cards and loans to do the work and to live on. It still shocks me that the figure was that high, I felt so guilty, we had been bailed out by parents in the past and this was how we repaid them - by getting into an even worse state. We were both at rock bottom. That is when we accepted that we had to go BR. It took months for us to both accept it, OH suggested it a while before I came round, I just thought we would find another way out. As time went on though I realised that there was no other way. I couldn't cope with crying day in day out, neither could OH. We both felt and still do feel so ashamed of how we got into this mess. It was like an addiction that we couldn't face up to.
So in August last year we both were declared BR. We were so stressed on the lead up, I was a nervous wreck and was constantly crying. I thought I was going to pass out in the court, I'll never forget how much of a mess I was in on that day. The Judge was great with me, unfortunately he wasn't so kind to OH, obviously he took pity on the 27 year old female but not on the 36 year old male. In fact our experiences were totally different. I came out with a weight lifted and spent the rest of the day at home watching films, OH spent the rest of the day feeling like a criminal. So even though the debts were mainly joint and money had gone on the same things he was much harsher on the male which was very unfair.
We are now 7 months on and have been arguing with the OR for most of this about our SOA, we have been handled quite horribly so far, I think because we are a single couple that both work full time the OR see's no reason for us not to pay an IPA. It doesn't necessarily work like that though. We just about make ends meet each month and an IPA would put serious strain on us, well there just isn't room in our budget, simple as that. So the OR has used the tactic of trying to disallow one of our cars so that it then free's up some income each month for an IPA. They haven't listened to the reasons for keeping the car because both are registered to OH. He can't have two so my reasons are irrelevant. We have put up a real fight and I made a third party offer last week of £100 and it has been accepted! Both cars are old, mine is worth £300-400 max. Anyway, that has finally been agreed so i have to send them payment this week I think.
I'm obviously very pleased but I am still worried about what will come next, its been going on so long for us now. I hope that by letting me buy the car I can now have it exempted - surely to god this is the case, they wouldn't accept my offer and then make us get rid all the same would they? Unfortunately I know that this is exactly what could happen as our OR has been very sneaky with us from day one. We have been threatened with court for an IPO about three times now, it petrifies me and all we can do is reiterate our SOA and hope that by being consistent we are helping our case, unlike the OR.
This has been an amazingly long post I know, I just felt the need to tell my story on here. I would be lying if i said BR has been easy, it hasn't. We have found it incredibly hard going. We fully accept that getting into debt was our own fault but we don't think we have been treated fairly at all. I have been on anti-depressants for the last 6 months and am very up and down. Even today i have called in sick because I just can't face anyone or anything. Debt has taken over our lives for the past 2 years and we are desperate to put it all behind us. I know that this post might not give everyone the perk up they may need but its the reality. BR is far from the easy option, emotially and mentally we are both a mess. We are getting through it and we are positive that we made the right decision when we went BR. I would do it again if I had to, I would rather have the stress now than the stress of all that debt.
I have read so many posts where people have got through it fairly easily and it made me feel awful and victimized and jealous. I'm ashamed to have to say that but its true. I know that subconsciously I have probably picked out the posts that have been positive and then made myself feel crap. Thats depression for you. But I am sure that there are loads of people out there who have had a really tough time and BR has dragged on and on and their OR has been horrendous.You aren't alone!
When I look back now i wish we had sold the original house earlier and I am still 50/50 on whether or not we should have bought this place. We are still learning but can honestly say financially we are on top of things. I am fanatical about it, check the bank daily, have spreadsheets to account for every penny spent etc - a little late but I know we will never ever be in this mess again. For that I am sure.
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Comments
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I just had to reply to say well done for submitting your story, I truly feel for you. It could of course be said that you brought it on yourselves but no-one really sets out to stuff up their financial affairs - the worst that you are guilty of is to have buried your heads in the sand.
It is easy I suppose to look at other's experiences of BR and make comparsions but as you rightly say, "That's depression for you" - agreed; you will always give yourself a hard time or possibly feel hard done to. When you mustn't....
I have never been a person to say "Move on" but you know that you must make every effort to keep the negative experiences in their boxes and if you can, not allow them to drag you down further.
The great thing is that you are young enough to come back from this - no doubt having learnt from your past mistakes. Well done again for baring your "soul" in the way that you have.
With all good wishes
G2c
Blonde: Unemployed: Bankrupt.
What do I know?
0 -
Thank you for sharing your experience with us
I must say, it does seem like you've had a pretty tough time of it with your OR
You can't control everything in life....... your hair was put on your head to remind you of that
Proud to be BSC no. 1030 -
What a fantastic well written post. Thank you. I found it very interesting. If this(as i suspect) is your first posting, why not put your I&E on here the same as you submitted to you OR. We can then have a look and tell you if there are things you have missed,over quoted ect ect. We will give honest opinions. It may give you that extra push to fight it if we fel your OR is being unreasonable.
How is your mum by the way?. DalipFree impartial debt advice available from: National Debtline - Tel: 0808 808 4000 | The Consumer Credit Counselling Service (CCCS) - Tel: 0800 138 1111 | Find your local Citizens Advice Bureau
Laugh at yourself and others laugh with you.Laugh at others and you laugh alone. BSC No 107:D0 -
Thanks guys, just read over my post and apologies again for the length! We know we cocked up, all I can say in our defence was that we did it to create a nice home for us. We went too far, we are paying the price. We went in over our head, we wanted the best we could possibly get but that doesn't equal happiness. Also had a mortgage advisor who advised us to buy the most expensive place we could afford and to go interest only on the mortgage! Looking back I should have realised that even when the mortgage was being agreed it was too much. It wasn't a great footing! We borrowed left right and centre just to get that house, let alone renovate it. Oh well, we have learnt our lesson. Not that i ever want ot put blame onto others but it does make me angry that companies were so eager to lend to us when it was obvious we couldn't afford it. Its a slippery slope when you borrow to pay off borrowing and always get that little bit extra to pay for something else that needs doing.......... My advice to anyone now would be never ever consolidate. I know it can seem sensible but it wasn't for us. What is even more scary is that we had a financial adviser that actually 'helped' us get into this mess!
Listening to your gut instinct is certainly what I do now.0 -
What a fantastic well written post. Thank you. I found it very interesting. If this(as i suspect) is your first posting, why not put your I&E on here the same as you submitted to you OR. We can then have a look and tell you if there are things you have missed,over quoted ect ect. We will give honest opinions. It may give you that extra push to fight it if we fel your OR is being unreasonable.
How is your mum by the way?. Dalip
Hi there,
Glad you like the post. I have got another post on here which shows our SOA. Think the general feeling was that we have done ok really, just that OR is very inconsistent. Agree one day and disagree the next!
I can't face going to court, I want this over with now, been saying it for ages but i don't think I/we can take much more. Its amazing how you do keep going, I struggle big time, and the thought of sitting in a court room makes me want to throw up. Just crossing my fingers now that we are hopefully getting this sorted. I think we have both been very close to nervous breakdowns, in fact i think I may have had one but fortunately have seen some great doctors and been well looked after. Even so, there are days that I just can't face anything - like today. I work in a very stressy environment so doing it in a bad state of mind makes it even worse! Sorry I don't mean to be doom and gloom because tomorrow I could feel back on top of it. Its just one of those days today.
My Mum is getting there slowly, kind of going to have to live with her condition now, but she is here so thats the main thing and day to day she is fine. Thanks for asking. x0 -
OH if only we were all born with a crystal ball. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
That said experiences are what make us the people we are today. Sometimes we need to be knocked back in order to appriciate the things we take for granted like health,friendship,laughter ect. Those money can not buy. Bricks do not buy happiness as you found out. Good luck in the future.Free impartial debt advice available from: National Debtline - Tel: 0808 808 4000 | The Consumer Credit Counselling Service (CCCS) - Tel: 0800 138 1111 | Find your local Citizens Advice Bureau
Laugh at yourself and others laugh with you.Laugh at others and you laugh alone. BSC No 107:D0 -
We certainly have learnt a lot, although bricks are still important to me they aren't the be all and end all. Crystal balls would have come in very handy, do you know what though, I honestly think that this had to happen for us to fully understand what we were doing. Its changed the way we think totally. Only thing now is that everytime I spend any money I feel really guilty - even when its essential. I have quite a compulsive personality and that comes out now in my obsessive checking of finances! Better this way though! Life has taught me/us a harsh lesson and we have to deal with it. Can't turn back the clock unfortunately.0
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Yes totally agree. My daughter works abroad and i would love to go and see her(she went jan not bk until the earliest nov)not to lie in the sun for a wk you understand;) but to see her but i am just so scared to spend any money that we have in the bank in case something "crops" up. Totally changed my out look. I suppose thats the difference between spending MY money as opposed to THE BANKS! Now there are no cards to fall back on you are on your own:eek:Free impartial debt advice available from: National Debtline - Tel: 0808 808 4000 | The Consumer Credit Counselling Service (CCCS) - Tel: 0800 138 1111 | Find your local Citizens Advice Bureau
Laugh at yourself and others laugh with you.Laugh at others and you laugh alone. BSC No 107:D0 -
Anyway sorry to be frivilous but where you ever in the boy scouts?. I ask as you user name bears a remarkable resemlence to (ding) ging (dang)gang(do) gooly. Ging gang gooly gooly gooly watcha ging gang go!:p
Not saying what debtsucks looks like everytime i see their postFree impartial debt advice available from: National Debtline - Tel: 0808 808 4000 | The Consumer Credit Counselling Service (CCCS) - Tel: 0800 138 1111 | Find your local Citizens Advice Bureau
Laugh at yourself and others laugh with you.Laugh at others and you laugh alone. BSC No 107:D0 -
No scouts, I just like Max and Paddy!0
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