I'm a bridesmaid - wedding 4 months away - no dress or anything! HELP!

Noctu

I'm a bridesmaid (along with 3 others, we all know each other) for my friend (call her D).
Her wedding is 4 months away.

The bride wanted us to all have fitted dresses from the bridal shop (the whole shebang, choosing a style, choosing the exact colour of the fabric etc)... however we haven't heard a thing about it for months, and every time we try and broach the subject of the wedding at all, D avoids talking about it, and changes the subject.

We're really worried and don't understand what's going on. D and her OH live together and as far as we know are OK in their relationship - they've had a lot of problems before but nothing recently has happened as far as we know.

Surely 4 months to go is cutting it rather fine for sorting out bridesmaids dresses, if she wants them fitted and everything? We went to try on dresses in the latter half of last year, but that was it - plus only 2 out of the 4 bridesmaids could make it due to work commitments on a Saturday.

I was talking amongst the other bridesmaids (who are worried too) and we decided that if D hasn't mentioned anything by the end of this month, then we'll have to broach the subject with her. But how on earth do we go about it without causing upset? I've tried talking to her normally about it - "how's the wedding planning going, I bet there's a lot to do, etc" (response = yep it's fine thanks <change subject>).... talking excitedly - "ooh I can't wait to try on bridesmaid dresses again!" (response to that was "I know.") .... what else can I do?

I'm kinda annoyed about it too, I mean if it was a matter of finances then I'd be willing to pay for my own dress or part of it - but I'd need to know NOW in order to start saving up, I live on a student loan (uni student) and finances are tight enough as it is... one of the other bridesmaids was mentioning that for another wedding she's bridesmaid for next month (!), the bride got all their dresses from Debenhams for something like £40, and they've had their outfits etc etc sorted for ages. Plus it's difficult to arrange a Saturday when half of the bridesmaids normally work Saturdays and would have to arrange to take the time off or whatever - which means it has to be arranged well in advance anyway...

Ahhhhh! what should I do?

netally

There's not much you can do sadly. It's her wedding and her responsibility. It sounds like she might be having second thoughts, maybe you could try just talking to her as a friend and finding out if there are any problems, rather than just talk about the wedding? It might be cutting it a bit fine to get the whole fitted dress thing done, but if the worst comes to the worst you can always nip to Debenhams or BHS and get something suitable! Maybe keep a bit of emergency cash spare and make sure you clear some free time, just in case of bridal meltdown!

paddingtondoo

I always change the subject from the wedding when talking to my mum so she doesn't try to take over.

I would agree that you will struggle to get dresses made as mine are taking 16 weeks and if I don't order them next Saturday they can't guarantee them being ready for my August wedding.

Can you take her out for a drink and talk to her about it? Maybe she has changed her mind about something and doesn't know how to tell you. She might also find it difficult to talk to you face to face have you tried phoning her instead? I'm far better on the phone with difficult stuff than I am when the person is there in front of me.

whatatwit

I am a bridesmaid for my friend later this year, the wedding shops advise a minimum of 16 weeks notice for the dresses to be ordered and fitted.

I too wonder if your friend is having problems with the whole cost of things as the dresses for us are about £140 plus the charge for the alterations of £30 and then with flowers....she will be heading towards £800 easily.
How close are you to the other bridesmaids, could you all meet up and tackle the thing head on, I'm sure you'd all rather go to a happy wedding as a guest than be a bridesmaid at a miserable one.

kr15snw

I am also bridesmaid for a friend and we have been told to allow 5 months to be safe.

The only thing you can do is be blunt. Sit her down and ask her outright, she will appreciate it.

Im thinking about this with my bride, she wants to get married december 09 in a nice posh venue on a saturday. And hasnt even looked at venues yet! I dont think shell get it now!!

WelshLamb

I agree something's bothering her.
I expect that you're a close friend if you're a bridesmaid and you both should be able to talk about things, and talking about other things in general and then moving on to wedding should be fine.

If it's been a while since you went shopping for ideas etc I'd casualy ask her if she still wants you (four) as bridesmaid, and if so, there are beautiful dresses in next, debenahams etc that you'd be willing to buy yourselves (maybe) so you could wear them again and help relieve a little of the cost from her.

I really think facing the issue is the best way, rather than beating around the bush - she may have been worring for a while how to tell you that she didn't realise how much things cost etc, believe me I was shocked when I saw the prices of things and hidden extras like dress alterations (thought the store fitted the dress in the price but they don't!!)

Noctu

Thanks for your advice everyone.
I texted one of the other bridesmaids about it, and she's going to phone D tonight and tell her that she's worried about the wedding as nothing's been said to anyone. She'll probably get fobbed off again but at least it's a start.

I just can't understand it as I'm 90% sure her Dad's paying for a lot of it - he's definitely paying for her dress, and she's chosen one which costs well over £1000! Plus she's having the reception in one of the most expensive venues locally.

I'll update everyone as soon as I find out any more.

hostertlady

i hope i am not speaking out of turn but maybe she has changed her mind over the choice of bridesmaids and doesnt want to bring it up in fear of upsetting you.

blunt i know but i would ask her outright.
x

Noctu

Hi everyone,
Well my friend (bridesmaid, the only other one whos tried on a dress!) rang her for a chat and asked how the wedding plans were coming along, and mentioned about the Debenhams sale which I saw in another thread.. and she just said "ok" (in response to the sale) and changed the subject.
hostertlady, I totally see what you mean but she doesn't have any other friends that she'd want to be bridesmaids really.. we're her closest friends.

The next time I'll see her is March 29th (housewarming party), can't see her any earlier really as I've got my dissertation due in and we're moving house so as you can imagine I'm absolutely rushed off my feet. Don't think I'll get anywhere with her speaking on the phone, and to be honest I'd prefer not to bring it up at the party as it'll probably ruin it, and she probably won't say anything anyway!
ahh

tanith

To be honest if she cancels then she is going to be the one most affected.. you could have some money put by to pay for the dress as you know you are paying a certain amount anyway, (if the wedding is cancelled you'll then have some spare money saved) but you are not really going to be affected if she cancels or has changed her mind about bridesmaids etc... ask her but if you get no response then just leave it up to her to tell you whats going on in her own time, she obviously has 'something going on'...

Noctu

Thinking about it, I've actually got an inkling that she could be pregnant.....

She got pregnant last year, and her OH made the mistake of telling EVERYONE immediately (she was only 4/5 weeks gone when she found out, wasn't planned).. then sadly she had a miscarriage.

I'm thinking maybe she's holding out for the 3 month scan so as not to "jinx" it, and that's possibly why she's being so cagey?? She'd also be due, or just had the baby, right on the wedding date...

Hmm..