credit card help required!!!

taz01_2

I need some advice, recently i have taken control of my finances i have taken a 2nd job to clear my debts as i have a house and a mortgage and i was really fed up with managing loads of debt, after a year i am almost at a point where my income reflects my out goings (great you might think) but my partner who i own the house with doesnt seem to be getting his finances sorted
i find it really difficult to tackle him about it as he just doesnt want to admit theres a problem, he just doesnt know how to manage his finances and i dont know what to do,
if i ignore it it could spiral out of control and i think thats unfair on me as we own the house together
does anyone have any ideas of how i can get him to realise he has to stop spending beyond his means?

fezza_2

taz,
Huge pat on the back for getting to grips with your finances. Money matters are the thorn in so many relationships, so I will say try a gentle approach first by suggesting you sit down together and write down all incomes and outgoings etc, expaining that you are worrried. Try not to get emotional and upset( easy to say I know, but what may start as calm discussion may end in a screaming row!) and see what his reaction is when everything is there in black and white so to speak.
If he shruggs it off as so what! Then don't get angry please just go for a walk and try to find an unpopulated area and scream!!
As you may gather been there with a view of OHs behind for many years ( head in the sand for so long lol)
If at first you dont succeed then keep trying, why not see if you can sit down once a month with bank accounts together, that way you can take reassurance that things are't getting any worse.Wish I had done this. The penny will drop eventually.
Please do not under any circumstances take out extra loans in your name for him to pay off debts unless you take control of the paying off part aswell.
Hang in there and good luck.

taz01_2

thanks, I have definately not considered taking out extra loans and i wont do as ive just got myself clear, the problem is we have this house together and i want to get on and get a bigger house in a few years and have children but i cant do that if he cant manage his money
i spoke to him about it last night and he shrugged and said it wasnt a problem but i dont beleieve him because i know he hasnt got enough money to be living the lifestyle that he is at the moment
im losing sleep over this now because i know he isnt facing up to it, it my only be £5000 on a credit card now but what if its £10,000 next year, when does it become to much debt for him to manage? will he really only wake up to it when its too late?
he wont talk about it so i dont know what to do, i dont want to leave him but i dont want this either??!!

fezza_2

Taz, sorry to hear that things didn't go well for you last night. Big huggs. It's hard when you are banging your head against a brick wall!
As the saying goes you can lead a horse to water etc
From experiance with friends and family this is a familiar pattern one partner is sensible be it male or female, and the other seems to think nothing of spending.That said I can say that only one of those relationships has broken up.
I understand your frustration, but you are in control of your finances now and well done to you.Keep up the good work.
Try not to lose sleep over it, easier said than done I know, but when you are tired Things can seem a whole lot worse ,tempers can flare, and nasty things can be said that can hurt and only add fuel to the fire.
Leave the subject for a few a short while say, perhaps try to have a chat about your futures together and what you both want, do you both want a bigger house, children? Try to find some common goals and how you can achieve them together. That way it does not appear that you are nagging him, or trying to control him or what he does with his money.
I know at times it can seem that you are dealing with a spoilt child with I want I want I want lol! But a child does not have access to the plastic fantastic . The joys of relationships eh, still you are getting the practice in for when you have children of your own!! hee! hee!
Smile and chin, up you are after all half way there.

mountainofdebt

Can I suggest another approach?

Very often hubby and I would moan at our lack of lifestyle/spare cash and always blamed it on the fact that there was too little coming in

That was until I realised that if we didn't have the debt repayments each month then even on our modest income we could have a pretty nice lifestyle.

So I took on the role of chancellor (and have become tight fisted as Gordon Brown according to hubby) which means I pay all the bills from my account where both salaries are paid into. In addition hubby agreed to have a monthly 'allowance' which is given to him on the 1st of the month.....should have seen him yesterday,lol!

Work out what his monthly debt repayments are and point out to your half what you could be doing with that money ....abit like they do with charity appeals.....so you could say £100 would pay for a meal in a nice restuarant, £500 would pay for a weekend away...that sort of thing.

Once he realises his life could be so much better without this debt I'm sure that it will give him the wake up call he needs!

Kantankrus_Mare

Hmmmmmmm I think I need to direct my other half to this thread but if he has a nosey on here .....which he does every so often ........he will find it im sure!!

Hya John!!

mountainofdebt

Also meant to say that it might be an idea to point out to him how many years earlier you both could be mortgage free if the debt repayments were going to repay the mortgage rather than a debt.....yes I know its still money going out but at least you would have something to show for that money going out!

fezza_2

Thank you mountainofdebt I forgot that approach. I too suggested such a thing to my OH in the past,but unfortunately to no avail.
I do the gordon brown on my account with budgets, put money away for savings etc, but OH does not like anyone telling him, or even suggesting that he can lose control of part of his life!He can see the logic, and is happy to benefit from my thriftiness
Just wont do it for himself,like the OH of taz will not talk in depth about finances,will go on the attack,or defence or denial.
Taz you know what your OH is like, I hope that his response is like that of mountainofdebt and you achieve a united partnership on your financial future. All the best

taz01_2

no my OH would most definately not have his wages going anywhere else, he trusts me totally with the household bill account and always pays his half of the bills. but as far as he's concerned paying his half of the bills should be enough to keep me happy he firmly believes that the rest is up to him
i decided to take the approach of backing off for a day or so then starting to chip away again, he is very much like a spoilt child, a friend of mine advised that he may not be good with money because other people have always dealt with the important stuff, I.e i do all the house bills, so he doesnt actually see the bills or have them addressed to him he might not really understand it, and although i think im being helpful by dealing with it, he wont learn from having it this way
but although i understood what she was saying i could not hand the bill over to him (i dont want to lose the house!!)
i trised again with him last night and it just ended in another row, well actually i stayed so calm and just kept telling him that its only coz i care for him and our future that im saying these things
i told him that sticking his head in the sand is not an option, i just hope its sinking in!
thanks for all your advice, if you have any other ideas please send them in! xx

fairylights_2

Just wanted to send you hugs Taz. We've had a similar situation here. My OH wasn't admitting there was a problem, but he had more than £8k on his card last year. I finally set up a joint bills account and agreed how much he could transfer across. I've spent ages on the credit card snowball and I set up a spreadsheet showing if he controlled the outgoings how much cash he could have in the bank by Christmas (of course, it'll all go out on the card, but it gives him an idea of what gets wasted in our monthly income). We too don't earn a vast amount between us, but a bit of streamlining would really help. I think me taking control of everything but making sure I show him things is really helping. I open all the post in the morning and put it all (even my post) under his nose when the kids are eating their yogurts after tea. Then I file it away, after dealing with what needs dealing with. Amusingly, our joint account is accessible online, but through the same page as his current ac, so I know how his spending's going. I've allowed him £60 a week spending money in our budget (to include his £3.50 per day bus fare) and he seems to be sticking to it.

I don't really think he would have agreed to all this if I hadn't sat him down and told him it was making ME ill. The debt was incurred when we had our first child and he felt like he should be paying for everything, without tellng me he couldn't. I was so worried I wasn't sleeping and was stressed all the time, and we seem to be back on an even keel now. I also made him watch the bank of mum and dad on bbc2 and that seemed to shock him into action - if we weren't careful, that's where we'd end up.

Good luck!

taz01_2

yes i had hoped if i sat him down and told him i was losing sleep he would realise it was serious but unfortunately he just looks straight past me gets up and walks away mumbling under his breath that its none of my business
his head is so far in the sand i have forgotten what he looks like!
glad you managed to get your OH to tow the line, im hopeful that all is not yet completely lost