Who's head is it????

ginabling

This is a long one, but I really appreciate anyone who reads this and can either offer some support or advice......

Well, you see, Im just really frustrated!!!

I have a 5 year old son and I work full time, I am constantly trying to make our family home nicer for us all to live in, constantly juggling with money and constantly feel all the time "constant guilt"!

(PS - The reason why doing the house all the time - The entire downstairs was flooded the day we moved in!!!)

Now, the reason why I writting this is because recently some of my very close friends - friends of some 20 years, basically implied that because I hadnt made much of an effort seeing them (because I am at work full time) they work part-time or not at all, that I am not much of a friend, and they are quite annoyed by my lack of effort.

Does anyone else feel like they are juggling everything?

I sometimes feel like - as Im sure many others do - that your two days off at the weekend are so valuble, you just dont know which job ect to do first.

Now before I offend any part time workers or those that dont work, I have nothing against that its just MY friends are moaning about my full time work - so I hope I dont offend anyone.

Now, it has also been implied recently that whilst in my job - which is very stressful - that when I am under stress that it is like I have a second head that I cant think rational but yet when everything is fine I can give a suitable answer to something!!!

This has drove me mad because its like my so called freinds are claiming that I am not myself - just my "second head" talking!!!

I really hope this makes sense to someone, and I know its very vague but its quite complicated.

You see I feel so annoyed that they are suggesting that Im "not myself" and I could really scream at them as they have no idea of the pressure that I am under with my job.

Now, to make matters worse, this GUILT, this constant guilt I feel like I am stuck, I have no choice but to work to pay the bills, to pay for school uniforms etc, to pay for the damage to what should of been a perfect home - but turned out to be a disaster, the girly days out I miss because I am at work, its just so frustrating.

It has also been implied that I am selfish!!!! and that my friends are sick of all my issues - flooded house, debts from ex's past relationship, stress, too tired, under pressure etc!

Im gonna stop now cause I could rant and rave about this all night, but if anyone has any advise, please be gentle.

I just needed to share some thoughts

Thank you;)

bluebell13

Hi ginabling. Have you cancelled engagements with your friends or turned down invitations to see them at all? Do you listen to any of their problems.?I'm not suggesting for one minute that you are selfish, just wondering what reasons they have given for their accusations. Sometimes when we are really busy and wrapped up in the day to day aspects of our own lives, we can forget about others or 'lift ourselves' out of our own worries and concentrate on other people. Maybe they feel they don't matter to you any more, and are just testing the water?

she_grinch

I don't think you are unreasonable just swamped with all that is expected of you. Try to delegate more jobs to your other half so freeing you time to other things. Do not feel guilty as sometimes women are expected to just be constantly flexible and I know how that feels as I work full time and am a mother/ housewife in my 'free time' lol

morganb

Sometimes our lives take us in different directions and to different 'stages' to those of our friends and we find that we no longer have things in common or mutual support from those we considered close. I hope that makes sense, I am v. tired after work today, but don't feel that you are selfish, it's just that life makes us all evolve in different ways, perhaps your friends who aren't juggling as much as you simply haven't moved along or evolved as much as you have and expect everything to be the same ... I'm lucky that I am able to work part-time, I sincerely do not know how anyone who is a parent works full-time without going mad (I mean both parents i suppose), I certainly haven't got the energy to juggle any more than I already do, but my resolution this year has been to keep in touch with friends and family more than I have done previously. Email is a godsend for me, I don't get on with texting, but I do try to plan in a day out once a month, which I plan in advance and try to double it up with meeting up with a friend, so that not only do I and the kids get a nice day out but we see our friends too. And they don't have to cost the earth, we're seeing some good friends in half-term and we're going on a treasure hunt at the local forest (and if it's chucking it down, I suppose it will be more of a bonding experience!!)

It does hack me off at times that I seem to always be the one organising things, but I do know that it's appreciated and it gives us all something to look forward to.

Can your mates come round for dinner, can you all 'bring a plate' and take it in turns to host once a month, that will give you some time out for yourself and also for you to forge ahead with your friendships ... just some things that I try to do that stop me going slowly mad at times!!! HTH!

conradmum

Time to get some new friends I think.

True friends understand when you're under pressure.
True friends help you out if they can.
True friends don't whine if you can't fit in with their plans.

I've recently been seeing more of a friend who's been very distant for some years. I wasn't happy about it and didn't know why but I stayed in contact and didn't moan. I've known her since we were eleven. It turned out that her (now) ex was abusive and made her life so hard if she saw other people that she just gave up on her social life.

Real friends would be there for you. Your friends sound whiney and self-centred tbh.

January20

These people are not your friends! Get them out of your life. Concentrate on what is important to you: your son and your home. You will soon feel much better!

Silly_Cow

Hi ginabling,

You do sound extremely stressed and overwhelmed at the moment. A few years ago, a friend of mine was going through an extremely stressful time and she herself felt like some sort of alien monster had taken over her head. It was a very dark time for her indeed. Her partner couldn't 'get through' to her and her priorities were a quite distorted. She saw a doctor and was referred to a counsellor (a close family member had died). It helped her to make sense of her feelings and to decide what was truly important to her and her life. I have a couple of other friends who have sought help from their doctors for stress. Although it may have felt like they were admitting defeat or that they couldn't cope, it was actually very liberating for them. Maybe this is an option for you...?

Now please don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps your friends are worried about you. Maybe this is them trying to exercise 'tough love' by trying to shock you into looking at your priorities. I can't believe that they're all just hard-nosed cows who don't care about you.

How long is it going to take you to get your house sorted? If you're talking many weeks or months, then is it really going to make much difference if you take one weekend day each fortnight a special day to spend doing something just for you and your son? As someone has already said, spend that time out with your friends too. Make a proper day of it. I know you probably can't relax until you feel you've finished your house, but you sure don't sound like you're relaxing at the moment anyway.

Please, please, for your own peace of mind, take that time out. Sod the chores! Sod the house! They really can wait!

Take care of yourself. x

P.S. Sorry this reply is a bit disjointed. I'm trying to make too many points in too little time.

Cruiksl

Try and clear a couple of hours and talk to your friends.

They may not realise the pressure that you're under. Explain everything that is going on in your life and be honest. If they can't accept that then although it's difficult you may have to accept that your friendship is going different ways.

I've got good friends who we all provide a good support network to - we bounce each other up when they're down and just in general we're here for the good times as well as the bad.

A while back, I realised that one "friend" wasn't really a good one to be around - I realised that for years she had put me down, critisised me and although she was fantastic when I had bad times, when I was having good times she couldn't be happy for me and felt she had to put me back in my place. I call people like this "life suckers" - they leave you drained and feeling bad. My circle of friends now are people that support me and give me energy and I come away feeling energised.

Sorry I'm rambling - to sum up - life is very short - if these friends can't understand that you need them to support you then move on. Friendship is a two way process.

belfastgirl23

I agree with sillycow (not an appropriate username btw seems sensible to me). I wonder if you are hearing your friends properly. It sounds like you are under so much pressure that they might be worrying about you. maybe they're expressing it clumsily or maybe you're hearing it wrong but if they are very old good friends then I think you should try to make some time to sit down with them for an exchange of views. Maybe you are percieving them asking to see you as an extra pressure when they are seeing it as trying to support you? And feeling that they are brushing you off when you talk about your worries - maybe they see it as trying to cheer you up and take your mind off things?

In any case I really do think you need a day off. I'm trying to think of a way to say this sensitively but the tone of your post really makes me think that you have to find a way to depressurise or else you are actually risking your health. The levels of guilt you are indicating too make me think that you might be edging towards depression. I hope you see I'm saying this because it is very difficult to have perspective on your own life. I really admire you for trying to juggle and manage everything but maybe it's time to ask for some help?

Lots of luck whatever you do.

kittiej

I would get some new friends tbh.

They don't seem to be supportive at all.

If they were true friends then they would have bent over backwards to help YOU not the other way round.

ginabling

Hi Bluebell,

Thanks for your response, its nice to hear other people opinions - cause some days you do wonder if youve gone mad!!!

Well Ive not cancelled any agreements just not attending hardly any. Ive kept up to date with all the kids birthdays and partys and sent my regards and wishes and love when one of my friends brothers died, I just havent attended the weekly girly group chats!!!

This is what frustrates me the most, because I would love nothing more to relax and enjoy in a nice night of chatting, but one, I havent got the time, two, Im always tired, three, my little boy needs sorting first - homework, talk time, dinner bath and bed, and forth, we are trying to get this deocrating finished!!!!

Having said that, I have read the replies that people have sent which I am truely grateful and it has opened my eyes a little cause maybe I should just leave the house and perhaps organise once a month a chance to catch up with everyone, maybe they are trying to help but perhaps not going about it the right way, to me it appears like an added stress on top of the stress I already have. However, Im going to look into this, and Im also going to ask the question, "Are they really true friends?"

You see, the other bit to my long winded issues is that many many years ago, when we were all alot younger, one of the girls cheated with my boyfriend of 5 years. At the time (I am a big believer in trusting your instincts) I knew and I could feel/tell something had happened but two of my close friends said I was imagining things and shouldnt anaylze so much!!!!

To my shock (NOT!!) the truth was revealed many years later and yet no sign of an appology or the fact that this "Knowing" it had happened and being told that it was "me" "stop being stupid" actually made things worse, as now, it takes me great time to trust anyone, and I am concerned that this is whats happening again!! Hence why I asked if anyone could share any thoughts - because I didnt know if it was me anylizing or them just being out right - whats the words - Selfish? Nasty? Uncaring? Im not sure?

Any way, thank you for your thoughts, its great to hear other peoples views.

Thank you