Feels like no way out!

hopefulherbie

Ok here goes, my partner is just about at rock bottom having had many years up to his ears in debt and it has now caused severe depression: I am trying to help him in whatever way i can and, as his girlfriend, have struggled to motivate him to believe he can change things. In the 3 years that we have known each other, he really hasnt moved forward at all, just paying the bare minimum. We dont know where to turn to reduce the outgoings, except that the sky package can be reduced to the lowest one, which i will suggest as an immediate change.

Here are the figures, though there are still 3 outstanding balances missing at this early stage.

Monthly income £2200-2500, plus £80 child benefit (single dad)

Mortgage £990
CTax £78
TV licence£12
Water £20
Elec £40
Contents ins £13
Car insurance ...Complicated as he has 3 vehicles , two being restored but he will not get rid, i have tried...total £75
Road tax ? unsure at this stage
aa £14
sky £37..immediate reduction
union £15
School meals £32
Food/cleaning/toiletries £202
Mobile/ladline £80
Fuel/ parking £270
Rental of farm plot for vehichle restoration/workshop £100


Now the debts....Capital one cc o/s £593 min £20
Hsbc cc o/s £1855 min £60
natwest cc o/s £4282 min £98
n rock cc o/s £870 min £25
ge cap woodchester loan o/s ? min £146
halifax loan o/s ? min`£70 (paid thru my account)
halifax loan o/s ? min £148 (his a.c)


So thats where we are, in the s****, and sinking fast...my position is that i am a single mum with a low income , although i am independent and can support myself , but cannot support him fiancially.

Quite desperately in need of some guidance/suggestions. x

angelflower_2

to be honest...he is going to have to help himself too. The cars are something he cant afford. If he is serious about getting out of trouble then they have to go. If he wont get rid, then he doesnt take his debt seriously.

Sorry to be so blunt but honestly, like you said, you cant do it for him. He has to want to do it. He is lucky to have someone so supportive and that will definately help him. Are you guys at a stage in relationship where moving in together and sharing bills are an option? (sorry, you dont have to answer that if its too personal.)

hopefulherbie

Thanks for your message, no we tried the together bit, but the depression is too much for me at present, so now back in our own places, at least i can shut the door and be peaceful at home if hes having a bad day. Its such a shame because hes a really lovely man but he has got bogged down with all this and i dont believe he will feel too much better until he has control of it. Trouble is, he is on medication for the illness and that results in him being physically unable to deal with this a lot of the time, thats why i am trying to help!

Snaggles

I do tend to agree I'm afraid. Anything you do to try to force him to clear the debts will possibly be taken as nagging. All you can do is discuss it calmly, and be there ready to offer advice when he IS ready to tackle it.

Is the car restoration a hobby or is that where his income comes from?

Looking at the above, there are very few areas where savings can be made, so if he wants to tackle the debts, he will have to either reduce his spending on non-necessities (the cars etc), OR increase his income somehow.

Good luck, and I hope he comes round to your way of thinking soon.

hopefulherbie

Thanks, its a hobby, and the stupid thing is that he constantly has to do overtime, so gets no hobby time, and then because he feels so tired and hard done by that it makes him want to buy things, and all i see is this man, that i love, falling further into a deep black hole. Does anyone have any experience of this?

bathgatebuyer

Depression is such a cruel illness because it takes over everything else - including relationships. Being in debt is such a cruel thing because it takes over everything else which is why the two things are so closely interlinked. If you are deeply in debt, you will inevitably get depressed to some extent, and if you're depressed, sometimes spending money feels like a good temporary fix.

I don't have any great advice other than that time can do wonderful things for both debt and depression. My GP recommended counselling with / or without medication depending upon what worked for me. Luckily, counselling or circumstance, whatever happened at that time, seemed to work for me. Although I still have the occasional bad day, being empowered by taking control of my finances has helped as I no longer feel that I'm on an inevitable slide into financial meltdown. I've taken charge of my money, and that makes pushing depression into the background easier too.

tealady

Hi. There is a depression support thread as well, they may be able to give you some advice.
If he has to work overtime to make ends meet then he really has only 2 option, reduce his outgoings or increase his income as overtime could stop and costs go up.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, don't mean it to be.

firesidemaid

maybe some written figures may help him.

the stopping of the vehicle restoration only needs to be temporary. if he sells these ( i don't know how much he would get) and stops the land rental this alone can help him pay off his debts and stop the overtime.

he could have a plan to pay off everything in 2 years for example - then he would be free of debt and able to start his 'real' hobby again.

the £100 alone would prob pay off the cap one and n roack debts alongside normal payments - that's 2 debts gone in less than a year. each time he reduces/pays off a debt he reduces the interest and frees up more money to pay off another debt.

if you can find out the interest rates, you can use the snowball calculator to work out how quickly the debts can be paid off and in which order - that might help motivate him.

try and make his/your treats not cost money - have a look at the freebies board.

the others are right though, you can't make someone do something (even though it may seem obvious to you and me - been there, done that). i hope that you are able to help him x

Running_man

Hi
If serious about getting rid of debt got to have a reality check.
£80 for mobile and landline?
Dont reduce Sky cancel it.
And cars at moment he cant afford them.With this amount of debt where is the money to pay to restore them?
For me large savings can be made.
£990 mortgage Know you cant live together-Could he possibly sell and move somewhere smaller?Or talk to his lender about a payment holiday.If can get payment holiday could get rid of at least one cc straight away
Sorry if this comes over as harsh but wouldnt it help his depression to just clear some of his debt..As you say got nowhere in the 3 years you been together.