Burns Night

Stephen_Leak

Also Burns Night is a golden opportunity to wind people up as to what a haggis actually is.

The wild haggis (Latin name Haggis Scotia) is a small furry creature, with the unique adaptation to mountain life of having shorter legs on one side of its body than the other. This enables it to run around mountains whilst neither descending or ascending. Of course, it can only do this in one direction. Whilst this is enough to escape from most natural predators, early humans soon learned to simply run around the mountain in the opposite direction.

Also, both ends of the haggis look identical, which makes it impossible for a predator to know which way the haggis is going to start to run. Unfortunately, whilst this confuses the predator, it sometimes confuses the haggis and they have been known to sit on their own faces and suffocate themselves. Mind you, if your face looked like your *rs*, ...

Hunting the haggis is no easy matter. Central to the art is stealth. Like the deer stalker, the haggis hunter must be silent, invisible and without odour. Fortunately, while the haggis has incredibly acute senses, these only function over a very narrow range. Thus the haggis hunter has to be only a bit silent, slightly invisible and a little without odour.

The haggis can hear only certain sounds. By whacking turnips (neaps) with a mallet next to a haggis, it has been proven that the animal does not react to low thudding sounds. However, even a light rustling can make these creatures bolt. By perverse coincidence, the sound the haggis is most sensitive to is that of plaid rubbing on underpants, as this almost undetectable noise mimics exactly the sound of a golden eagle plummeting towards its target. Therefore, a haggis hunter who sports underwear will never be successful. Hence the tradition that “true” Scots wear nothing under their kilts.

As far as masking the hunter’s scent is concerned, there is only one substance that works: whisky. Preferably, the hunter's breath should reek of the stuff. Many an ignorant laird has given his gamekeeper a tongue-lashing for smelling of alcohol and then had to issue a cringing apology after learning this bit of haggis lore.

Finally, the haggis hunter must make himself invisible to his prey. Like the Tyrannosaurus Rex (a creature to which it is not often compared), the haggis’ eyes are most sensitive to movement, but only movement in a straight line. In order to creep up on their prey, haggis hunters must disguise their approach by adopting a shambling, apparently random gait.

Thus, if you encounter a Scot stinking of whisky, shuffling down the street in an ungainly fashion with their kilt flapping round their bare backside, you will now know they are only hunting a haggis.

I'll get my kilt ...

wyebird

Thanks everyone. . . certainly some food for thought....sorry, I couldn't help myself .

I'll let you know what happens....

trying-very-trying

weegie.geek wrote: »

Heroin and a deep fried mars bar?

As you claim to be a weegie geek, I shall let that pass, but it could almost be seen as racist! We'll be ha'ing haggis neeps and mash, as usual, oh and there might be some Irn Bru, seein' as we cannae afford the whiskey! Lang mae yer lumb reek an a' That!!

Penelope_Penguin

Heads up for Tuesday to anyone celebrating :beer:

ifonlyitwaseasier

Thanks Pen pen

i don't have haggis myself (yet i love black pudding) but i shall have a wee dram to toast it

Rowan9

My haggis is in the fridge PenPen....but its sell by is 1st Jan:eek:. I'm thinking surely it's so full of preservatives that it'll be just fine :cheesy:.
Yum yum
w

Alison_Funnell

We spend most Burns nights trying to avoid haggis - not because we don't like it but OH doesn't want it for his birthday every year!

LOVE haggis spicy nomminess.

becky170

I went round to a friend's for an early burn's night supper yesterday and she made beer battered haggis balls, which were gorgeous! For any one who doesn't fancy haggis, stovies are lovely!

Penelope_Penguin

OK then, I need to fess up Despite having goorgeous Scottish neice and nephew, I've never tried haggis If I can manage to get one in the next couple of days, what do I do with it?

We had HN neeps and tatties today, though, and DH is pouring himself a wee dram as I type!

TIA

Owain_Moneysaver

becky170 wrote: »

I went round to a friend's for an early burn's night supper yesterday and she made beer battered haggis balls, which were gorgeous! For any one who doesn't fancy haggis, stovies are lovely!

Aren't they a bit pricey though?

I mean, if you only get two per haggis?