Wedding budget help needed

ashbart

My finacee and I are looking to get married in July 2009 and as a result are starting our wedding plans now. My parents (who have recently gone through a divorce) live in the USA and would like to pay for the majority of the wedding.

Whilst I know I am very lucky to have a nice contribution, I am already finding myself in desperate need of help and only after a few weeks of looking around, I feel like forgetting about the whole thing.

My parents will not give me a budget, not even a 'ball park' figure. We have had conversation after conversation and my mum can only say she wants me to have the "best" of everything. Her and my father were very comfortable (in terms of money) before the divorce and she is used to having the "best" of everything. Since the divorce, this has changed but, she still wants the best for me.

The venues I have looked at are not expensive. We have a VERY large family and will need to invite 80 people to the wedding breakfast. I have been budgeting, so far, on £50 per head (including hire of the venue for the evening) for the sit down meal and have found that to be reasonable. I mentioned this to my mum last night and she said this might be a bit too much. She suggested we looked at places like Pennyhill Park & the Christopher Wren Hotel (outrageously expensive) and I cannot seem to get it through to her that the places she is looking at are 5 times more than what I am looking at now.

The above is just one example of many. Every cost element of the wedding that I have mentioned so far, she has made out to be 'a bit too much' but then she goes to suggest something MUCH more expensive. I think our wedding will cost about £10,000 in total and I am more than happy to pay for as much as possible but if my parents want to pay for the 'majority' - I need to know what the majority is but they won't tell me!!! It is driving me insane. I really don't mind where I get married or what meal we have but, how can I look for somewhere/something when I have NO CLUE what it costs?

It would be impossible and far too time consuming to give my parents the cost of every single wedding dress, cake, venue, car, etc. If I knew what I had to spend - I could work towards that! Please, please, please if anyone has any advice, I would be grateful.

I hope I don't sound ungrateful because I'm not. I just know it will crush my mum if I work towards a much lower budget and it not be the "best" but, if we can't afford these, why am I wasting my time? Sorry for such a long post and thanks for your help.

tallspottygiraffe

Hi Ashbart,

I got married 4 and a half years ago, and we had an extremely tight budget, as we were straight out of university, and had very little contribution. However if you want to spend less and are worried about your mum being upset, I thought it would be an idea to tell you the positives of not spending a lot!

First of all, it meant that the day was about us, and what we were actually doing. Since my wedding I have been to many other weddings that have cost a fortune, and they have all ended up being the same, with a focus on having the best dress, the bst reception, the best food etc, etc.


My wedding was beautiful (I would be biased though!) and as part of our cost saving we had some real personal touches... for example, we made our wedding favours ourselves (this took a long time - I also have a large family!) we held the reception in a beautiful church hall and decorated it entirely ourselves. The cake was made by a friend who copied one that I had seen in a posh magazine, adn the pictures were done by my brother, (luckily has a photography past!!) etc, etc

Since, I have often thought about writing a book on how to do a wedding on a shoestring!

I guess its about getting across that there is no need to spend for the sake of spending. Particularly as wedding shops such as 'Confetti' are a complete con, as all that they sell is at a huge mark up and can easily be found cheaper elsewhere!

I know that the most stressful part of organising a wedding is dealing with the parents, but I'd suggest looking at all options. draw up a list of venues etc at different budgets and show it to her. Express your concerns calmly (whilst thanking her lots! - it sometimes helps preventing a row!) and tell her straight that without an actual figure it is impossible to organise.

Sorry if Ive waffled, but I feel your pain!!!!!

Congratulations on the Engagement, and I really hope you have a very happy marriage!!

angchris

this is your special day! forget what everyone else wants and do what you want. it is one day in your life that you will never forget because you are making vows to the one you love. personally i dont care if all of my guests were to turn up in jeans and we ate fish n chips so long as all the important people in my life see the committment we are making and that it is celebrated as such.
its not the amount that is spent on the day but the meaning of it to both of you, some of the most expensive weddings i have been to have been in the divorce courts 2 years later :rolleyes: and the ones done on a budget are still happily getting on with life.
anyway my point is its just one day and all the wedding companies will be more than happy to part you with your hardearned cash. just do it to the level you both feel comfortable with, your guests should be there for you not there for the slap up 5 course and free drinks etc.
im in the process of sorting mine out as well, we havent set the date yet we were just about to book and then everything got flooded around here and buildings wrecked, i have bought my beautiful wedding dress used once of off ebay and it is absolutely stunning..for £150 i have a £2000 dress
good luck to you both...angchris xx

floss2

Why not suggest to your mum that she gets /breakfast/reception quotes from the places she fancies (can be done easily via email - even from USA!) and you will get quotes from the places you've looked at - on the same basis of 80 for the breakfast etc. Then you can "compare" and see what she decides when she can see the cost for herself.

I have to say though, depending on the dress & accessories you choose, they may well be cheaper over there...especially with the current dollar / pound situation.

Hope that helps!

Floss x

ashbart

tallspottygiraffe -
Thanks for your help and support! I am completely behind you when it comes to saving via friends, family, etc and making your own favours, etc. I don't want the 'best' of everything - I just want a day that is about us, and I do want everyone to have a great time but, money doesn't make this happen. If you write your book any time soon, I would be interested in being the first purchaser!

angchris -
You're right - this is our special day and we should do what we want. I wouldn't mind it if we had it in a fish and chip shop either but, my mum would die....! Sorry to hear about the flood problems round your way. Don't let it stop you. Good luck and I hope you are able to book a date soon! Thanks for your kind words. I'm off to ebay to see about a dress!!! :j

floss2 -
LOVE this idea. It is so difficult with my mum not being here and as it's my first (and hopefully only) wedding, I have NO idea what I am doing! I think you're right. I've told her that we cannot possibly budge on the number of people as we have family flying in from overseas and it wouldn't be right to allow them to come to the day and not other English relatives. That is the only stipulation I have is that all family is welcome. Hopefully by her looking around, she will see that I have been very conservative (for the type of venue she has requested) and she may understand either it's not possible or she's not being realistic.
You're right though - the MAIN problem is the current dollar/pound situation. Afterall, £10,000 isn't too bad for a wedding but when it equates to $20,000 - it sounds a WHOLE LOT MORE!!! :eek:

Thanks again everyone for all the help. I will post my process with mother vs budget (what budget...?) Ha, ha!!! :rotfl:

squashy

It sounds to me like your mum would be delighted to find and book the venue for you!! I would delegate that to her then you can concentrate on finding the other perfect things.

Remember, perfect and special doesn't have to mean expensive. I got married in a castle and had an ivory silk wedding dress, 50 guests, bridemaids, champagne reception followed by a sit down hot buffet, all the usual trappings...my wedding cost around £3500 altogether and most friends have said it was one of the best weddings becuase it was different, very us, very unpretentious. For example we wrote our own vows to include the children etc..

honeypop

ashbart wrote: »

I'm off to ebay to see about a dress!!!

Lol, i thought you were a male, as in your first post you say you and your fiancee (engaged female). Oh but just thought you may be a same sex couple, so sorry I don't want to offend anyone!!

Just to let you know, I feel your pain on this! My OH proposed to me last month and we are in the process of trying to arrange things for a wedding Oct 08. My parents are separated and on hearing the good news, both offered to pay some towards the reception. Great I thought, but then same as you, no-one really wants to specify how much. In the end I asked my mum (the one out of the two i am closer to) exactly how much she was thinking as they had both offered towards the same thing and she said if I preferred I could have £2000 towards other expenses instead, which I gratefully accepted so that is sorted, but with my dad I keep trying to get an idea of how much he is thinking of contributing so I know how much we need to find to put towards it ourselves. He keeps saying "well it depends on how much the whole cost is" which is no help whatsoever as when I go looking at venues, I don't know which I could afford as I don't know how much he is putting towards it IYSWIM.
I hope that makes sense - basically he wants to pay some but he won't say how much so therefore I can't decide where to have it because I don't know what my budget is.

What we have decided to do is try and book somewhere we could just about afford to pay for ourselves anyway, that way whatever he does contribute means we have extra money to get other things or save for ourselves. Although I really don't want to book something I can afford then it turns out he was thinking thousands and thousands and I could have had something much better, so I wish he'd make a decision. But I am grateful for whatever we get towards it as it was a surprise they offered something anyway!

Hope you can get something sorted. Maybe it's best to just come out and say I can't make any plans until we know a budget as prices vary so much and I don't know what we can have until you give a rough guideline of how much you wanted to pay.

Good luck anyway x

ashbart

Squashy – I think you’re right re: my mum wanting to do the venue herself! I have given her some English websites on venues, etc, and I’m just waiting to see what she comes up with…! Maybe she will see just how unrealistic she is being…!

I also agree re: making the wedding special through other means. I do want it to be a day that we remember and I know that money can’t buy this! Thanks for your post!

Honeypop – Ha, ha!!! I am a female and don’t worry – my fianc! (my rubbish spelling, obviously) is a male! I work in the construction industry as a QS and always get phone calls for ‘Mr Ashley’ so – I’m used to it!! :rotfl:

Your whole post is EXACTLY the problem I’m having! We just want to know what contributions are being made from them (if any) so we know what WE will have to pay! Otherwise, we may expect more than they are willing to give and end up having to take out a loan to pay the balance! :eek:

I think your idea on booking somewhere you can just about afford is really the right way to go and will probably be the same for us. My only concern is, will this be what we have to do for EVERY aspect of the wedding? Will I have to pick the dress, cake, cars, etc, that I can ‘just about afford?’

I feel like such a spoilt brat moaning that ‘my parents are giving me money but I don’t know how much’ but, how can I plan this wedding that my mum expects without knowing some kind of budget!?!

She also wants to know how much my OH’s parents are going to be paying, if anything. 90% of the guests are his family (as mine have to travel and can’t afford it) so, she doesn’t feel she should have to pay for the whole thing. I know my OH’s parents will make a contribution but, now isn’t a good time to ask so I have to do this WHOLE THING again in a few months!

Thanks honeypot for the advice and congrats on the engagement! Let me know how you get on with your budget problems!!!

mountainofdebt

I can see trouble being stored up here and you really do need to make a few important decisions now before things really do get out of hand.

You have decide if you want the wedding that

a) the wedding you and your OH want
b) the wedding that your mum wants you to have or
c) a compromise of a) & b)


Personally if it were me then it would be a) every time even if it meant me paying for the whole wedding myself.


Perhaps there is a fourth option.

Why not tell your parents you and your OH will pay for the wedding but if they want to give you a gift equivalent to their donation towards the wedding, then you would gratefully accept that?

(Just remember to include her in the planning of it ....you know how mums are,lol!)

ashbart

Hi mountainofdebt -

You're right, that is one of the main problems and my mum has already made it clear that she won't be coming if it's not to her standard...! I have already said my OH and I will pay for the wedding and she was not happy with this. The only plus side is she isn't here in the UK so, I can 'choose' what I do and don't show her, if you get my drift. She is only making one visit here (April this year) before the wedding and that will be hard enough!

This is one of the many 'arguments' I've come across, so far. She has already told me that my sister WILL be maid of honour, when my best mate who is doing everything with me is supposed to be it. I suggested that my sis maid of honour and my mate matron of honour (married) and it took two weeks to convince her that this was the right thing to do. Afterall, I want my mate to be recognised for what she will be doing for the next year and a half.

The other problem that we are having is American vs British wedding. I would like to incorporate the two but my mum is insistent that it will be more American. I have lived in the UK for 14 years and weddings here are all I know but she is upset that I am forgetting my American heritage..! We've incorporated a few things that I know are American but this doesn't seem to be enough. This argument is upsetting my OH which is not fair...

It's over a year and a half away and already I'm having nightmares about the whole thing! I guess I will have to be insistent in a nice way about most things and I'm sure she will come around. As long as it's in the type of place she wants....?

Dreading April......!

Dan_Thunder

You'll just have to sit down with your mother when she comes over and tell her that, whilst you'll be sticking to some of the traditional aspects she wants, this is your Wedding. Ask her if she really wants you to not enjoy what should be the happiest day of your life to appease other people?

When I got married if anyone had tried to tell me what I can and cannot do I'd have either laughed in their face or told them not to come if my Wedding wasn't to their satisfaction. Also, frankly, if your mum's threatening to not come because it won't meet her standards I'd tell her that that's her prerogative but does she really want to miss out on your big day just to spite you? And that's the polite version, you don't want to know what I'd actually say - actually you probably wouldn't be able to see it anyway as this board filters out swear words, I can assure you that the word 'off' would be involved though!