New here and considering DMP without my husband knowing

curlu

I’ve been lurking and reading for a while now and it’s been hugely reassuring to read everyone’s journeys and advice.
Stepchange have recommended a DMP for me, I am however hoping to keep this from my husband, not only because he doesn’t know the mess I’ve got into, but because he’s really not in a good place with his health.
Ive not missed any payments on anything yet but fear a noticeable increase in mail once I stop paying. Do the letters from creditors have any distinguishing marks on them that would set them apart from a usual bill? 

I am sure I’ll get comments advising me to tell him, but that’s just not an option right now. 
has anyone managed to keep a DMP quiet from their partners?
We have no joint accounts and no mortgage. the debt is all mine.

elsien

Before going down there not telling your husband route you need to be very clear on how the debts have arisen.
It is going to be hard to keep from him. They have been run out of general household expenses so the two of you need to cut back in order to keep things manageable.
Are you clear on how the debts have arisen and will he notice any differences in your spending as part of that discussion? 

Rob5342

This comes up quite frequently, the main points are:

1, He will find out at some point as he'll wonder why you can never afford a holiday, can't get a loan for a new car etc, so its best to tell him now and get the inevitable over and done with at the beginning. You can then work together to tackle it instead of putting all your efforts into keeping it from him.

2, In the vast majority of cases the reaction people get from their partner is nowhere near ad bad as they feared.

I was in a similar position and didn't tell my wife about my debts. I kept trying to convince myself that not telling her was the right thing to do, but it was only after telling her that I got anywhere with sorting them. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the unavoidable truth. 

The letters are just plain envelopes, no different to any other letter they might send you. Sometimes you can tell who sent the letters by getting to know the return address. 

Emmia

curlu said:

I’ve been lurking and reading for a while now and it’s been hugely reassuring to read everyone’s journeys and advice.
Stepchange have recommended a DMP for me, I am however hoping to keep this from my husband, not only because he doesn’t know the mess I’ve got into, but because he’s really not in a good place with his health.
Ive not missed any payments on anything yet but fear a noticeable increase in mail once I stop paying. Do the letters from creditors have any distinguishing marks on them that would set them apart from a usual bill? 

I am sure I’ll get comments advising me to tell him, but that’s just not an option right now. 
has anyone managed to keep a DMP quiet from their partners?
We have no joint accounts and no mortgage. the debt is all mine.

By not telling your husband, when he finds out (he will, possibly at an unexpected time) you run a significant risk of destroying all trust in your marriage.

How much do you owe and to whom? How have the debts arisen?

fatbelly

curlu said:

I’ve been lurking and reading for a while now and it’s been hugely reassuring to read everyone’s journeys and advice.
Stepchange have recommended a DMP for me, I am however hoping to keep this from my husband, not only because he doesn’t know the mess I’ve got into, but because he’s really not in a good place with his health.
Ive not missed any payments on anything yet but fear a noticeable increase in mail once I stop paying. Do the letters from creditors have any distinguishing marks on them that would set them apart from a usual bill? 

I am sure I’ll get comments advising me to tell him, but that’s just not an option right now. 
has anyone managed to keep a DMP quiet from their partners?
We have no joint accounts and no mortgage. the debt is all mine.

Letters should not have distinguishing marks. They may arrive fortnightly to start with but will settle down. I doubt anyone would notice.

Stepchange do like to start a dmp quickly whereas we recommend waiting for defaults and saving an emergency fund.

They also like formal Breathing Space, which acts against the process in introducing a 60-day delay

Apart from that, they're ok.

gwynlas

Being on a DMP with Stepchange will mean that you no longer have access to credit cards so your partner might notice if you have been using them to order things on line or spread costs of larger purchases.
Given that it will take years to pay off your debts it is likely that he will become aware of the issue 

MattMattMattUK

You are not going to be able to hide this from him, so it is far better to have a discussion about it now rather than when he finds out. A honest discussion will be uncomfortable but when (not if) he finds out if you do not tell him then it will feel like he has been betrayed. 

Where did the debts come from, just general ongoing overspending, one off large expenses, gambling, excessive buying of non-essentials?

MEM62

curlu said:

I am sure I’ll get comments advising me to tell him, but that’s just not an option right now. 

Yes, you will and here is one from me.  He is going to find out at some point. The question is whether you want him to hear it from you or discover the truth from another source.  Which do you think will lead to the better outcome?   

Tabieth

As others have said, he will find out. It’s inevitable. And at that point you’ll have the debt issue to deal with plus the fact that you deliberately concealed it from him. (It’s often the cover up that does the most damage). 

Plus, you are married and so presumably have linked finances? If so, he needs to know. 

Emmia

Tabieth said:

As others have said, he will find out. It’s inevitable. And at that point you’ll have the debt issue to deal with plus the fact that you deliberately concealed it from him. (It’s often the cover up that does the most damage). 

Plus, you are married and so presumably have linked finances? If so, he needs to know. 

The OP said in their first post they don't have a mortgage or joint accounts.

ManyWays

not only because he doesn’t know the mess I’ve got into, but because he’s really not in a good place with his health.
Most of the other people replying havne't commented on the second reason you don't want to tell him.
I think you need to be very honest with yourself: I know you dont want to tell him but how much of this actually because of his health and how much because it would be a difficult/scary conversation to have and you would rather put this off?

His health may be a very valid reason for putting this off. But I do want you to think that he is likely to find out at some point, and then often its the secrecy and lies that hurt much more than the amount of the debts. It seriously is better to tell him if this is possible.

If it isnt, then my guess is you will get fewer letters and they will stop sooner if you go for a Stepchange DMP with a breathing space at the start. This may not be the option that gets you a clear credit record soonest (which is why it often isnt recommended here) but if your priority is your husbands health, then you have to accept that.

We could say more if you posted a Statement of Affairs about your situation  see https://www.stoozing.com/soa.php for how to do this)