My Ex is asking for child maintenance increase

DorsalDin

Hi all,

I’ve been paying my ex £400 a month in child maintenance since 2016. My income was higher back then, and that amount also assumed my son staying with me two weekends a month (which he hasn’t done for quite some time).

Currently, on top of the £400, I also cover fairly regular extras each year, birthdays, Christmas, his holidays with his mum, food when I visit him each week, and a weekly allowance for him. When I add these together over the year, the extras work out to around £250 on top of the maintenance. My income now is lower and more up-and-down (self-employed), average £3,300 a month gross.

My ex has asked for an extra £50 a month because of rising costs and food prices for a 16-year-old. I understand costs have gone up, but I’m unsure what’s reasonable given everything I already contribute.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What would you consider fair?

Thanks

tacpot12

According to the Child Maintenance Service calculator, the £400 you are currently paying is what you should be paying.

I think you should be negotiating around the additonal £50 a month that your ex has asked for. You haven't said whether you can afford to pay £50 a month extra; just that your own income is lower than it was. If you can afford it, I would recommend paying the £50 a month extra. If you can't, then offer what you can afford. £30 might be a sensible compromise.

itsthelittlethings

If the £400 assumed your son was staying with you two days a week, it would go up if he’s not. However you say your income has decreased.

Spendless

£250 a year more or £250 a month more? Tbh I dont think you should be counting buying your son birthday and christmas presents as extras youre paying! Presumably you'll still buy him these when hes an adult and has flown the nest. Likewise food when you visit, Im guessing  this is because you're not in a situation where he can stay at your place? His Mum doesnt get an opt out of feeding him. 
Holidays with his Mum - spending money for him do you mean? That's potentially generous and could possibly be saved up instead  by your son from the weekly allowance you're giving him. What is this money being used for do you know? 
£400 a month back in 2016 would have gone further feeding and clothing an 8yo rather than a teenage boy.
I'd agree with above poster about negotiating around the request. 

 

Grumpy_chap

DorsalDin said:

Hi all,

I’ve been paying my ex £400 a month in child maintenance since 2016. My income was higher back then, and that amount also assumed my son staying with me two weekends a month (which he hasn’t done for quite some time).

Currently, on top of the £400, I also cover fairly regular extras each year, birthdays, Christmas, his holidays with his mum, food when I visit him each week, and a weekly allowance for him. When I add these together over the year, the extras work out to around £250 on top of the maintenance. My income now is lower and more up-and-down (self-employed), average £3,300 a month gross.

My ex has asked for an extra £50 a month because of rising costs and food prices for a 16-year-old. I understand costs have gone up, but I’m unsure what’s reasonable given everything I already contribute.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What would you consider fair?

Thanks

Over a period of 10 years, the request for additional maintenance might well be one that is expected.  £400 in 2016 would be around £550 now (using the BoE inflation calculator).  Set against that change, the £50 that has been requested is forgiving.

You are also not incurring the costs of your son staying two weekends a month so this financial liability transfers to your ex. 

You paying for food when you visit seems reasonable, otherwise your ex would need to fund this from the £400.  If you were not visiting your son, your ex would not pay for your food.

A 16 yo will eat you out of house and home to a far greater extent than a younger child.

I don't think you should consider Birthday, Christmas etc as "extra" as, presumably, you would gladly gift at such times regardless.  The value of the gift might vary according to means but the sentiment unchanged.

It is not clear what you cover when your son goes on holiday with your ex.  Does your son holiday with you also?

Looking at this from the perspective of your ex, and your change of employment from PAYE to sole-trader, is it possible that your ex might consider this a mechanism to show a lower income than you genuinely have? 
Additionally, if you truly earn less now than you did 10 years ago, might your ex reasonably consider that the self-employment is not viable and you'd be better returning to regular PAYE employment? 
Possibly that your ex also thinks you should have realised that without being prompted by your ex.

maman

As a question from another angle, what about your ex's own circumstances over the years?

It's possible that she no longer needs to pay for childcare so can work longer hours and/or has been promoted in the ensuing years. 🤔

saajan_12

DorsalDin said:

Hi all,

I’ve been paying my ex £400 a month in child maintenance since 2016. My income was higher back then, and that amount also assumed my son staying with me two weekends a month (which he hasn’t done for quite some time).

You don't pay for access, if anything less visitation means you'd be paying more to cover ex's increased costs of having son there for the additional time. 

DorsalDin said:

Currently, on top of the £400, I also cover fairly regular extras each year, birthdays, Christmas, his holidays with his mum, food when I visit him each week, and a weekly allowance for him. When I add these together over the year, the extras work out to around £250 on top of the maintenance. 

Irrelevant, gifts and holidays are your choice. They don't affect the support which is for son's necessaries (food,  utilities, housing, clothing, transport, etc). 

DorsalDin said:

My income now is lower and more up-and-down (self-employed), average £3,300 a month gross.

Why is your income lower? If this was in any way avoidable, is it reasonable that son / ex should lose out as a result? 

Exodi

I think I can see where your ex is coming from.

Using a general inflation calculator suggests that costs of £400 in 2016 now cost about £554 today. If you were able to buy 100 items that cost £4 in 2016, you might expect to only be able to buy 72 of the same item today.

In reality, the issue is worse because she cites food prices and we all know these have increased more than average in recent years (and it's a double whammy because she has an unsatiable 16 year old son to cater for).

Likewise (as you've probably gauged from the other responses in this thread), you have it completely backwards defending your position by stating the agreement was made under the assumption your son stays with your two weekends a month, which he no longer does. Invariably an agreement made where he doesn't stay with you at all would have been much higher than one where he's staying with you all the time (and in turn, you're incurring more of the costs of having him).

Your income declining is unfortunate, depending on how cynical your ex is, she may find it somewhat curious why you'd decide to go self-employed on lower pay.

But since you asked what's fair - I think she's being more than reasonable, I'd actually go as fair to say she's being incredibly generous. I disagree with the comment in this thread that you should try and haggle her down to £30, it might be interpreted quite offensively given I'd say (and she may feel) she's already being very generous/reasonable.

I'd imagine most ex's would probably be demanding much more, much sooner. We had nearly 20% food inflation in just 2023 alone!

I didn't comment on your points about birthday and Christmas presents as it would just be derisive. I'm sure upon reflection, you might appreciate using birthday/Christmas gifts as some sort of bargaining tool is a bit low.