Finding a Balance with Teens

BogStandardBob

When you're being thrifty due to your innate nature and the desire to have the money to help your kids through uni, your own retirement funds etc rather than an immediate necessity, how do you balance your teenagers' current 'needs' for beauty products, socialising, gadgets, clothes etc?  -things that you wouldn't dream of spending on yourself. Human nature being what it is, I know a person would look back and think 'Well, yeah, my parents did spend £120k putting me through uni but I'd rather they hadn't and I lived my best life" (even though the cost of that would have been much less).

It's difficult because I understand my kids are individuals so things that I think are a waste of money, can be important to them and I don't want them to feel that the lifestyle they were afforded was a stingy one compared to family income. But I also don't want to waste money. I know people will probably say make them spend their own money but I feel that it's more like a youth hostel than the welcoming family home I want to give them if they're buying their own conditioner because it's a more expensive brand than I use. 

It's something I never considered pre-kids - the fact that it's not just double the cost going from a couple to a couple with 2 kids, it's double plus then all the extra things you had had a lifetime of not spending on. I think the increase in spend for thrifty people is actually worse than for non-thriftys. Non-thriftys are used to having the heating on, having beauty products in the house, using the car for lots of trips etc. 

born_again

This is where they have to work for their pocket money. So if they lounge around & do nothing to help in the house, they get nothing. Help around house then they get pocket money & can spend it on what they want.
Good life lesson to help manage their money. As well as breading a work ethic.
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dreaming

When my 2 (1 boy/1 girl) were teens some 30 years ago, they both had a monthly allowance. We (as parents) bought school uniforms, basics (underwear, socks, etc.), and toiletries for household use. For all other clothing we discussed the budget we had available (and tried to be flexible if possible) and if they wanted anything more expensive they had to fund the difference out of their own allowance. We did pay for school trips, out of school activities (scouts/gymnastics, etc.), and on family days out we would obviously pay for meals/ice creams etc., and the occasional "treat".  Far from being like a hostel we saw it as a way to bring us all together so we could understand that sometimes we really couldn't afford a new computer, or fancy holiday. We tried to do this in an age-appropriate way, and without making them feel anxious. We also tried as a family to discuss budgets etc., and the need to save for things we wanted instead of having everything. They did complain that "it's not fair" occasionally (as many kids (adults too) do at times) but both seemed to like having their own money and choice. Of course they made mistakes - blowing their cash in the first week, or buying something they "needed" only to find out it wasn't such a good thing after all - but on the whole they quickly learned about making it last the month and what was most important to them. On the whole it was a good basis for adult life, and my son always budgetted his salary to last the month and save a little. When my daughter started working she did have a few years when she fell into the habit of just buying what she wanted, when she wanted it, but dug herself out of the debt she accumulated and is now much more disciplined. I think it is a good way to start educating kids about finances etc., and it's far better for them to make their mistakes when they still have some security and support than later when they risk serious problems because they don't know how to manage their money. In any case communication is the key - if you can't (or don't want to) afford fancy conditioner etc. explain to them your reasons and see if they can come up with a solution to the problem.

RipleyG

My sister has a 3 tier approach with her young teens (girl 14, boy 13 next week). 

1. £20 a month basic pocket money to give them independence. No conditions, save or spend on what you like - withheld for very bad behaviour.

2. £40 a month clothes allowance, on a payment card. They have to write everything they buy, with amounts, in a notebook. She buys coat, school shoes & uniform, trainers +1 other pair shoes, underwear - they buy everything else. She says the knack is to be strict and not fill any gaps, also not to over-criticize - they'll quickly learn they need at least one jumper! 😂 Drove some really interesting behaviour change - girl now buys a lot second hand, and sells things on vinted to top up funds.

After arguments about toiletries and "essential" (or not!) creams and potions, she now offers a choice of £5 extra in the pot to buy your own toiletries, or use the basics provided. Girl takes the money but her spending has TRANSFORMED - she does buy her own, but tends to be cheaper stuff with smells she likes. Boy uses the basics provided.

3. Option to earn extra - list of chores with values on the fridge (£1 for changing your own bed linen, £1 a load of washing, £2 for hoovering). Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't - boy is currently on a mission as he wants to buy a new PlayStation game.

Giving them responsibility early has made an enormous difference to how they talk about spending. Won't lie though - still plenty of those creams and potions about 😏

Floss

Personally I am a great believer in p/t jobs for teens, and don't feel providing everything without something in return gives a realistic idea of life as an adult.

If not old enough to work outside the home, then earning pocket money by doing chores is a good way to teach how to wash clothes, load dishwasher, cut a lawn, paint woodwork etc.

If over 16, then a p/t job will give funds to spend on wants over & above what is provided. 

BogStandardBob

Some really great ideas, thanks guys. From your sister's superbly thought-out approach @RipleyG I can see that probably one of my biggest problems is my desire for control. It just kills me thinking that on top of providing for them (which of course I am more than happy to do) you give them more money on top that they will probably spend on crap. I hadn't properly given thought before to what you've shown me here - that pocket money etc should be thought of as just paying for another thing your kid needs, i.e. learning not to overspend. That said I won't be offering a £480 a year clothing budget but the process is really helpful to think about. Thank you so much.

Floss

Maybe costly buys should be Christmas or birthday gifts? And giving an allowance for them to spend how they wish is a way for them to realise the cost of things - once their money has gone, it's gone.

middlewife

My 4 are all grown up now, although one still at home. They all had pocket money, the one who spent it as soon as he got it is now an accountant. They got part time jobs once they were 16, but were expected to pay towards upkeep, 10% of their pay . Once working full time, then it increased . 2 paid less because they bought and cooked their own food. One cheekily asked for a full break down of monthly bills, and soon realised he was getting a really good deal.

When younger, I would cover clothes which came from supermarkets, not expensive chains. They bought their own toiletries from pocket money and my daughter, thankfully, wasn't really into make up much.
I think the worst thing you can do is give money and either stipulate what it is spent on, or give them everything they ask for. Being able to plan and budget will be really good for them when they leave home.

RipleyG

BogStandardBob said:

That said I won't be offering a £480 a year clothing budget but the process is really helpful to think about. Thank you so much.

She's just texted to say she saw my post, and it's £30, not £40 😁

Glad you got some useful ideas - and good luck 🍀

annieb64

I also gave my children pocket money from age seven and a clothing allowance from eleven.I paid for underwear, school uniform and if we were invited to something like a wedding I'd buy their outfit. They have both grown up managing money and have paid off their mortgages in their early forties.DD2 was so cross when she got her mortgage.The bank made her take out a thirty year mortgage so she was determined to prove them wrong and pay it off early!

Nelliegrace

Times change. Regular housework was a normal part of growing up, laying the table, making our beds, washing up, peeling potatoes, ironing, vacuuming and washing the floor, cleaning the downstairs windows, gardening, helping with tasks. My brother sawed and chopped the wood for the stoves. We learnt useful life skills.

We had regular pocket money, stopped for bad behaviour, but could earn extra by doing odd jobs for neighbours, tasks like sweeping leaves and weeding.
If we wanted something special, and our parents agreed, we had to save half towards it. We bought our second hand bikes that way. 

In the sixth form we had a monthly allowance of £20 to cover everything including school dinners, so we learned to manage money, and we did babysitting and got Saturday jobs. I worked at the bakers and my pay was £1.80 for the day. My sisters and I made many of our own clothes.

When we were in full time work we still shared the housework and had to pay a fair part of our salary in rent.