Wifes Debts

nhs1984

My wife buries her head in the sand over debts. Last year I paid off debts of £3k of hers not mine or joint hers. Last week she tried to hide another debt letter from me but I noticed it, She said she is sorting it but when I read it it was the final demand and if ignored it was going to court. I am retired so money is tight, but the problem is she is making out is is my fault. We have not talked for the last seven days and I am at my wits end what do I do.

Brie

Is she blaming you as she has no money of her own to spend?  Obviously she has a problem with money but if she needs to buy groceries or other essentials but has no direct access to a bank account then running up a debt is bound to happen.   

I think the first thing you need to do is to sit down and try to discuss this calmly.  Think about how the household finances are managed and how you can best work together to get the debt issue resolved.  If you don't do that then I suspect you might be back here in another year talking about a new debt of hers as no debt solution has been put in place.

You might try agreeing a budget - the statement of accounts on the debtfree wannabe board is a great tool that includes all the regular details on income and expenditure.  You can populate it using a couple of month's bank statements and add in her debt to see how the 2 of you can deal with that and find an affordable way forward.

The link to the SOA is on my signature below. 

ButterCheese

Great advice above.  It sounds like you keep separate bank accounts or at least you have not joined your monies together as a married couple?  Perhaps you need to talk about that.  She may see it as "our money" so when you said your vows, she thinks she can spend/go into debt and it's up to both of you to clear it.  I'm not critisizing either party, but it does sound like you both have different ideas about finances.

It's very difficult to join forces (by marrying) but keep separate monies.  Also, what sort of debts are these?  Are they joint household debts, bills etc, or more personal purchases like maybe clothes etc?  

Sometimes the issue of "fault" or "responsibility" can be focused upon too much.  Perhaps let her know that you can help out if she makes you aware of the problems.  You might have to establish what support you're willing to give before you discuss how not to get into debt in the first place.  Troubleshoot the immediate problem and then move on to making sure it doesn't happen again?

poppasmurf_bewdley

You have my sympathy. I was once married to a similar woman who spent money like water and failed to understand why household income seldom matched her spending requirement.

I finally found the solution - divorce. Since that day I haven't had so much as a bounced Direct Debit or returned payment.  She's had the house I was paying for repossessed. My son once came to my house and asked "Dad, what's a bailiff?" I asked why and he said "cos one came to our house this morning." 

sourcrates

I have moved this post to a more appropriate board so you get the best advise.

RAS

Stop, listen, learn.

Check your all three of own credit records. Do you have any shared account with your wife?

Insist that she produces up to date credit records for all three agencies.

At which point you'll begin to understand the situation.

And if you have joint accounts, close them.

fatbelly

So what have you/she done about this 'final demand' letter?

In order to advise, we would need more information about what this debt is, who owns it now, when it was incurred and last paid and who is writing now.

Many debt collection agencies have a 'final demand' as one of their standard letters and it doesn't particularly mean anything.

EssexHebridean

First up, you can't have a lightbulb moment ( as we call the moment when people realise that they both need and want to do something about their debt) for someone else. Until your wife wants to sort the situation out there will be a limited amount you can do.

Sitting down to discuss the situation is a great idea - but ensure it's from a conversational point of view "Can we talk about this debt because I want to understand what the problems are that have lead to it. Let's have a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits and talk things through" is a better approach than "What do you mean you're in debt - what were you thinking!"

Paying off debt for someone isn't usually a good approach - because it removes the process that leads to them understanding how the problem has arisen and how it needs to be fixed. Clearing debt can be hard going, but that sort of "hard going" reminds someone they don't want to do it again! 

Who's fault the debt is - if indeed there is fault to be apportioned - isn't necessarily as clear cut as it might seem, as already mentioned above, we've seen a lot of cases here where the household budget is tight so the person in control of it subs things using credit to try to ensure that life runs on "as normal" - never a good idea, not least as it can then lead to them being "blamed" when the debt becomes problematic. On the flip side, some people do just find they like the "fun" aspect of spending, whether they can afford it or not. 

nhs1984

Thank you everyone for your advice. She has acess to as much money as she wants we are not skint we are well off.I have tried talking calmly but she just walks away. she has stopped all conversavations between us and that is ity for me. I have looked after her for the last 10 months since she has come out of hospital, washed ironed cleaned cooked and this is now the situation I am in, on piece of advice I received was Divorce but after 44 years it does seem the only option I have left.

Thank you all for your comments.

fatbelly

Honestly, find out what this latest one is and post about it here. It might be no big deal