Joint mortgage and separation - ex has stopped paying

IvyFlood

I am currently separated from my husband and we have a joint mortgage. I am in the property with our toddler, he’s somewhere else (wont tell me where)

He was giving me 60% towards it but it’s all got nasty after I wouldn’t let him have a phonecall with our son because he’d just told me he’d cheated on me and I needed some space! (Whole other story) So he said he was going to stop contributing which he has. 

I had the entire repayment moved from our joint account to my personal account so I’ve paid it this month and can manage but I want to know if he can be penalised in any way? Will my lender be bothered if I’m still paying it? I am in contact with a solicitor but they are closed now for the weekend.

swingaloo

The lender wont be concerned with which of you is paying. Is he paying child support? Going forward that is all he is required to pay, if he is living elsewhere he is unlikely to be able to afford to pay half the mortgage as well. 

Are there plans for the house to be sold or can you afford to stay there? 

Emmia

As it's a joint mortgage, you're jointly and severally liable - so the bank can chase either of you (or both of you) for the whole mortgage payment. 

If you can't afford the whole mortgage solo, then you'll need to consider options like selling, getting lodgers (if space /time permits) etc.

Newbie_John

And if you continue paying - you also continue paying his mortgage-debt, so he is "earning" money when it comes to sale..
Definitely one for solicitor.

gwynlas

His on going relationship with his son if genuine trumps you feeling hurt that he;s seeing someone else so you need to faciltate phone calls.

It is best if you get financial division of assets sorted sooner rather than later, at the moment he is entitled to 505 equity. Can you meet lortgage lender criteria to take this on yourself?

Get child maintenance set up officially so that you can chase him up if needs be.

swingaloo

Newbie_John said:

And if you continue paying - you also continue paying his mortgage-debt, so he is "earning" money when it comes to sale..
Definitely one for solicitor.

Bit of an odd answer that.

He may 'earning money' as a result of the mortgage being paid by the OP but at the same time OP is benefiting from living in that home whilst he has to pay to live elsewhere. Why should he not benefit when the house is sold?

ACG

The lender wont care who pays the mortgage. Get the housing and maintenance situation sorted, argue about it if needs be but get it resolved and leave your kid out of it. 

I know you wont want to hear it, but have used your kid as a weapon. He could be the worst husband in the world, but unless he is a bad dad, thats really not on. I will leave it at that. 

Best of luck. 

ian1246

IvyFlood said:

I am currently separated from my husband and we have a joint mortgage. I am in the property with our toddler, he’s somewhere else (wont tell me where)

He was giving me 60% towards it but it’s all got nasty after I wouldn’t let him have a phonecall with our son because he’d just told me he’d cheated on me and I needed some space! (Whole other story) So he said he was going to stop contributing which he has. 

I had the entire repayment moved from our joint account to my personal account so I’ve paid it this month and can manage but I want to know if he can be penalised in any way? Will my lender be bothered if I’m still paying it? I am in contact with a solicitor but they are closed now for the weekend.

So you reacted to issues between you & him by blocking his access to his son? That's how it will be portrayed to a court. I really hope the contact with the son has resumed and isn't now contigent on his resuming mortgage payments (that would absolutely amount to genuine parental alienation if so).

You need to understand that from a legal point of view your relationship with him is a completely seperate matter to his relationship to his son - the 2 are not interlinked and one should not effect the other. The only exception will be if there is genuine safeguarding concerns (& no, his being unfaithful to you is not a safeguarding issue) between the 2 of you i.e. Domestic Violence.

I'll be blunt - it does read that you have used your child as a weapon. If so, its utterly unacceptable- you need to do better or your in for a whole world of drama until your child's an adult and your harming your son.

Adverse childhood experiences - such as the impact of a divorce or loss of a loving relationship with a parent - can be absolutely devastating to the long-term health of individuals. It's an emerging field with scientists only just starting to understand it, but it can dramatically increase the likelihood of physical diseases such as cancer and mental health problems, all of which reduce a child's eventual life-expectancy. Please do research adverse childhood experiences, so that you can understand their impact and hopefully work with the ex to reduce the chances of your son experiencing one as a result of the marriage breakdown

From the NHS:  https://mft.nhs.uk/rmch/services/camhs/young-people/adverse-childhood-experiences-aces-and-attachment/

Moving forward when it comes to co-parenting, treat the ex in exactly the same manner you would in any other *professional* relationship I.e. almost like a work colleague.  There is no room in that professional relationship for emotions from the marriage breakdown.

That's the advice I got on day 2 from my occupational health department after my wife suddenly left me (we had a 2 year old son) and it is absolutely the best advice I ever received. The pain your feeling is very much real - but you can't let it impact the co-parenting professional relationship, otherwise there wont be one and you'll be at one anothers throats for the next 16 or so years, and you'll end up with one badly-harmed child as a result.

With regards to the mortgage, occupational rent is something which exists in the UK.

https://ellisons.com/news/occupational-rent-what-is-it-and-when-should-it-be-considered-when-separating/

If you have sole use of the property, you could owe him occupational rent - in which case, your covering 100% of the mortgage would effectively offset any claim by him for occupational rent.

Good luck - please for your own sanity moving forward and your child's wellbeing, try not to allow whatever happened between you & ex impact the co-parenting dynamics your now embarking on. You need to build a functional working professional co-parenting relationship.

swingaloo

ian1246 said:

IvyFlood said:

I am currently separated from my husband and we have a joint mortgage. I am in the property with our toddler, he’s somewhere else (wont tell me where)

He was giving me 60% towards it but it’s all got nasty after I wouldn’t let him have a phonecall with our son because he’d just told me he’d cheated on me and I needed some space! (Whole other story) So he said he was going to stop contributing which he has. 

I had the entire repayment moved from our joint account to my personal account so I’ve paid it this month and can manage but I want to know if he can be penalised in any way? Will my lender be bothered if I’m still paying it? I am in contact with a solicitor but they are closed now for the weekend.

So you reacted to issues between you & him by blocking his access to his son? That's how it will be portrayed to a court. I really hope the contact with the son has resumed and isn't now contigent on his resuming mortgage payments (that would absolutely amount to genuine parental alienation if so).

You need to understand that from a legal point of view your relationship with him is a completely seperate matter to his relationship to his son - the 2 are not interlinked and one should not effect the other. The only exception will be if there is genuine safeguarding concerns (& no, his being unfaithful to you is not a safeguarding issue) between the 2 of you i.e. Domestic Violence.

I'll be blunt - it does read that you have used your child as a weapon. If so, its utterly unacceptable- you need to do better or your in for a whole world of drama until your child's an adult and your harming your son.

Adverse childhood experiences - such as the impact of a divorce or loss of a loving relationship with a parent - can be absolutely devastating to the long-term health of individuals. It's an emerging field with scientists only just starting to understand it, but it can dramatically increase the likelihood of physical diseases such as cancer and mental health problems, all of which reduce a child's eventual life-expectancy. Please do research adverse childhood experiences, so that you can understand their impact and hopefully work with the ex to reduce the chances of your son experiencing one as a result of the marriage breakdown

From the NHS:  https://mft.nhs.uk/rmch/services/camhs/young-people/adverse-childhood-experiences-aces-and-attachment/

Moving forward when it comes to co-parenting, treat the ex in exactly the same manner you would in any other *professional* relationship I.e. almost like a work colleague.  There is no room in that professional relationship for emotions from the marriage breakdown.

That's the advice I got on day 2 from my occupational health department after my wife suddenly left me (we had a 2 year old son) and it is absolutely the best advice I ever received. The pain your feeling is very much real - but you can't let it impact the co-parenting professional relationship, otherwise there wont be one and you'll be at one anothers throats for the next 16 or so years, and you'll end up with one badly-harmed child as a result.

With regards to the mortgage, occupational rent is something which exists in the UK.

https://ellisons.com/news/occupational-rent-what-is-it-and-when-should-it-be-considered-when-separating/

If you have sole use of the property, you could owe him occupational rent - in which case, your covering 100% of the mortgage would effectively offset any claim by him for occupational rent.

Good luck - please for your own sanity moving forward and your child's wellbeing, try not to allow whatever happened between you & ex impact the co-parenting dynamics your now embarking on. You need to build a functional working professional co-parenting relationship.

For context-
The OPs last thread shows there was domestic violence at play here. The child is still a baby.