5 Years Come To A Head

Notahobbit

So after 5 years of debts accruing (over £21k on 5 CCs), what I had been hiding came to a head early this week. I revealed to my wife that I had messed up; I'd built this debt without saying anything, without asking for help, without shouting for support. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do, and I almost chickened out.

She was taken aback, calmed me down, and asked the usual questions: why did it take so long to say anything; how much is the debt; how did it happen. I also revealed that I'd been having suicidal thoughts over the last year or so. 

Over the last couple of days we sat down, wrote out my debt to the penny, looked at my outgoings (including repayments) 

The biggest part of the solution is my wife taking on the key outgoings for the next year or so. Rent, council tax, water, energy, internet, car insurance. She can afford to do it, but it does mean a tight rest of the month and no ability for her to add to her savings. 

What it does mean, though, is I can easily be putting an extra 1000 towards on top of usual monthly repayments. I also have a lot of collectables with decent value; within a month I'll have a £2k boost from eBay sales to make a positive start.

We've had a lot of tears and discussions about how it's not just my mental health and finances that are affected now, it's both of us. Big and little plans. It's early days, so things are a little tough.

I have mixed feelings: I'm glad I opened up and that we have a plan moving forward to pay it off in around 2 and a bit years. I'm very down with how I realise how much I've hurt my wife.

Anyway, a very long post! We (not I) are only a few days in, and I think the real test will be June. How well we cope financially will be a telltale of how the coming months will be... 

Blackcats

Welcome to the Debt free wannabe forum.  It's a friendly, helpful, supportive place and there will be lots of good ideas to help you on your debt free journey.  

Well done for opening up to your wife and starting your diary.

Sarahwithlove

Well done for telling your wife that's a big step and hopefully you can start to get the debt down. 

Smudgeismydog

Welcome to the forum, and well done for telling your wife.
Sounds like you are both pulling together to address this, which is great.

If you can understand how you accrued the debt, and any triggers you have, then this can be helpful in changing behaviours to reduce the chance of this happening again.

Feel free to post an SOA, and the helpful folk on here can chat through your budget and may be able to point out any savings you might be able to make.
It might be a long journey for you both, and you may experience some ups and downs, keep posting to share your progress and we can cheer you on, or give you a boost if needed.

FootyFanDan

Welcome to the forum, there are so many helpful and supportive faces around here.
Well done on taking what is a very difficult step in talking to your wife, having her on board will make a tough journey that little bit easier. Good luck on your journey

Notahobbit

Thanks everyone - this forum seems like a very supportive community, which is exactly what I need to help with this.

I can't always update this "diary" daily, but some additions that I think will help clarify my situation. Even if many don't read or reply, it'll help. 

@Smudgeismydog - it's difficult to pinpoint exactly where the issues are. One big one is lack of communication over money; by hiding it, my wife assumed that all was well and that me paying for some shopping or petrol was because I could afford to. In reality it was going on a card or eating into an overdraft or savings. Bouncing between using different cards each month and sometimes spending a little more than the interest has kept the debt basically standing still. Our lifestyle is technically affordable based on our salaries, but not when 50+% of my pay goes on repayments.

Yesterday was a positive day: my wife transferred the (relatively smaller) amount to pay off Monzo. We also made progress in listing some things on eBay and Vinted. We're estimating around £2k for everything so far. My wife's attitude and mood is getting more positive. She is still working through the hurt of my deception. Tomorrow's another day!

Status 18/05: 

Card 1: £6000

Card 2: £8000

Card 3: £3900

Card 4: £3500

Card 5: £8̶1̶0̶ > £0 PAID OFF 

Notahobbit

No progress today on paying down the cards, but there's definitely a slightly more positive atmosphere here at home. I would say the impact on our relationship is harder than any debt, big or small - whether it's 500 or 50k. This is the part I want to overcome more than the debt itself.

Some positivity though. A couple of days into the week and already had payments from eBay sales. After fees, it's given me nearly £400 - just need to wait a couple of days for it to clear. It'll either go into a "rainy day" savings pot or to Card 3, which has the higher interest rate.

More auctions end today which should give me another £450-ish to pay off towards Card 3. That'll nearly be £1k paid off in just a week.

Seeing it go under £3k will be very satisfying! 

13 more auctions end by the weekend, which is hopefully actually lucky for some high bids!

It will inevitably mean that my progress will slow down quite a lot, as I go from big sums to payments of just a few hundred each month.

Hopefully this week goes better than last week; my wife and I are getting a bit closer again. I think after the next payday, and she sees debts drop a lot, she will be feeling a bit more positive. Right now it still feels like "a problem shared is a problem doubled", but we're getting there. 

Status 20/05: 

Card 1: £6000

Card 2: £8000

Card 3: £3900

Card 4: £3500

Card 5: £8̶1̶0̶ > £0 PAID OFF 

Notahobbit

Yesterday was a bit of an odd day. Debt-wise, not an awful lot changed. I had a deeper look at what's left to pay on each card and did some sums as to how long things will take to pay off. It'll actually take much less time than my wife and I's plan shows - we are basing our budget and my payments off the each card's minimum payments now.

But since minimum payments will reduce each month, keeping them fixed (at e.g. £175/month) will make things fall a lot quicker. The biggest is the £8k card, I've fixed at £320/month. Lower than Halifax's suggestion but £120 above the minimum. 

This has given us a bit more of a breather and made us feel a little calmer.

We had a very emotional conversation about our feelings, especially my wife's. She's still very upset at how long I let this go on for and how high the debt is. And I totally get it. I agree with her feelings; that's why it wasn't an argument, because I know I'm totally in the wrong. It's so upsetting to know how I've made her feel and how I realise it isn't just my problem - it impacts us both a lot.

I tried to explain that it's not excessive spending, like designer clothes or fancy tech. It's the dreaded spiral of using credit cards to get through the month, then needing them again because your payments are higher etc. etc.

I might be talking into the void at this point on here but it's cathartic regardless 😂

eBay payments are due over the next week, ready to go into a pot - either for cards or to save. 

vampirotoothus

Hi I would look at the card checker on this site to see if you can move any off the balances to interest free, it will make a big impact on those balances coming down. 
It's good that you and your wife are working on this together, it will make a lot of difference to your relationship just not hiding it any more. Good luck V x

twiggy86

Well done for opening up to your wife, I can only imagine how difficult that was. My guess is, particularly with you both on board, your debts may go down even faster. If you're dedicated to getting this gone then your spending (both yours and your wife's) will decrease - it may not be big/ expensive things, but all the little bits soon add up and that's where the real savings can be found.

For example, last night I went to my local stitch night - I could have paid to park and had dinner out. But instead I chose to make something for me to eat (was going straight from work but with a bit of time in the middle) which I ate down the beach beforehand and parked somewhere which involved a 5 minute walk instead of paying. The result was that I had a lovely evening and spent £2.50 on one drink instead of what could have been about £30 (parking would have been expensive!) Taking my water bottle instead of buying fizzy drinks out and about is also a small but significant way of saving for me!  

Sarahwithlove

I'm glad things are getting better with your wife. Well done on Ebay sales as well. It all helps. Have you done a card checker to see if there's any balance transfer options available to you? What's your credit score like?