Money Moral Dilemma: I booked a trip with a friend but her fiancé won't let her come - what do I do?

MSE_Laura_F

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I've been away with the same friend for 10 years now. Last year, after she got engaged, we arranged a trip as usual. Then her fiancé decided to come too, booking somewhere ludicrously expensive for them, and leaving me to pay the full cost of our hotel room. This led to an argument. This year, I asked if he was coming and she said no, so I booked everything. Now she says her fiancé won't let her come because of last year's argument and has threatened to leave her if she does. I'm stuck with non-refundable tickets and accommodation, and am about to lose a holiday, a friend and a fortune. What do I do?

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eskbanker

The Mumsnet answer would no doubt be for the friend to leave her fiancé (in fairly plain language) but if friend leaves the booker in the lurch here, there's not much that can be done other than trying to retrieve the cost via small claims if she refuses to do the right thing and the booker can't or won't suck it up.

Not sure this is really a dilemma anyway, in the genuine sense of the word, i.e. "a situation in which a difficult choice has to be made between two or more alternatives, especially ones that are equally undesirable" - what are the actual options on the table here?

elsien

 I would argue that if she knew you were booking it and had agreed to the booking - I am presuming you had full discussions about when you were going and where and cost, et cetera - then, if she’s not coming, she owes you her share of everything. 
Unless there is someone else that you would want to go with who would step in and take her place.  

Otherwise, I would go on my own and make it very clear that I expected her to stump up her bit.

On another nonMoneysaving note, there is a query about whether she wants to be with someone who is so controlling or whether she’s using that as an excuse.
Unless there’s more to this story than the post says, which is very likely to be the case , I’d be telling the boyfriend to do one if I was the friend. 

TELLIT01

The friend is between the rocks and a hard place, although if I had been engaged to somebody who tried to be that controlling the engagement wouldn't have lasted long.

silvercar

I’d call him threatening to leave a result! A red flag for so many reasons. Every time he doesn’t get his own way, he’s going to ‘threaten to leave her’!!!!

Mark_d

MSE_Laura_F said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I've been away with the same friend for 10 years now. Last year, after she got engaged, we arranged a trip as usual. Then her fiancé decided to come too, booking somewhere ludicrously expensive for them, and leaving me to pay the full cost of our hotel room. This led to an argument. This year, I asked if he was coming and she said no, so I booked everything. Now she says her fiancé won't let her come because of last year's argument and has threatened to leave her if she does. I'm stuck with non-refundable tickets and accommodation, and am about to lose a holiday, a friend and a fortune. What do I do?

This year when you booked the trip, it was non-refundable.  So why didn't your friend pay her share?  Is it normal for you to bear the entire cost of the trip?
After the experience last year, did you think it was a good idea to book everything yourself on non-refundable terms?

I suggest you try to get someone else to join you on the holiday this year.

I think it's highly unlikely your friendship will ever go back to what it was.  The number one person in your friend's life is now her fiance.  It sounds like he likes to spoil your friend with luxuries and have intimate times just the two of them - that's quite normal at a certain stage in a relationship.  Perhaps take a step back from this friendship and focus on developing your own life and independence.

JumpingJockFlush

Last year’s experience should have been a red flag for you. Let your friend and her fiancé enjoy their relationship together, if that’s the route she has chosen, with a word to the wise from you re controlling behaviour. He’s probably jealous of the relationship you have with her.  

hannerrbabes

Either the fiance is incredibly controlling/manipulative/abusive or there's more to this story and the relationship between you all. 

Jm2207

The fact that there is a domestic abuse helpline under this dilemma tells you everything. Can you carefully talk to you friend, check in and see if she is OK. Why is the man so controlling and aggressive, is it just cost saving for the wedding and coming across as a red flag or is it a justified red flag. 
I'd ask someone else if they fancy a trip, it may be a while before your friend sees the light

IvonH

This is a two-sided problem: financial and relationship.
If this is indeed a real, good friend, she will need you in the future - her fiancé sounds like someone who is into coercive relationships and he is clearly trying to isolate her from her contacts. Once that is achieved, he will have her completely dependent on him.
I would make it clear to your friend that you are upset about the financial loss which you can't handle, but at the same time make it obvious that there is someone there for her when she needs it. And then keep your fingers crossed that she will realise that she does, indeed, need a friend, help and an open door.
 There are a lot of comments here about red flags from last year, not booking non-refundable, hopes that you had discussed this with your friend before booking etc. But these are all not really helpful because the deed is done.

Maybe try to find someone else to share the room with you (another friend, sibling, cousin...?)  If not, you will have to try and bite the bullet to get your friend to pay or to work extra hard at saving to pay off the debt.  
Good luck.

GeordieinAotearoa

The friend is the one with the dilemma. Pay the poster the money for the trip - since she agreed to it, that's what she should do - or leave the controlling fiance. If she's not willing to do the honourable thing and pay the poster, she's no friend.