40th birthday question

1813

Hi

i was hoping you might be able to offer me some insight into this. 

My two close mates are having their 40th and going to London, staying near their supported football club and doing things like going to shows etc. 

One of them said we could see Gladiator on my birthday but my money is low so I said it’d depend on finances and the other mate said we could meet up on my birthday. 

However I can’t help but feel slightly disappointed I wasn’t invited and this was booked by them sone while ago and only when I inquired about their birthday plans did I find out. 

Before that waves were made about me going to NYC for their 40th but that didn’t materialise. Also, when one of them was recently admitted to hospital, both of them made waves about the fact they’d struggle to do day trips anymore. 

I decided in my birthday to just do my own thing and maybe just meet them for a drink because I feel really disappointed by their attitude and when they were talking about London, I couldn’t help but feel it was being rubbed in my face though I kept my composure. 

Maybe next year is a fresh start. I have known these friends for over twenty years and I’m not sure I can go through the process of being let down anymore if this is the case as I want to be fair. 

Many thanks for any advice, 

Emmia

Fundamentally how people choose to spend their birthday/weekend/Christmas/New Year etc. is up to them - perhaps your friends are aware you can't afford the football etc. and not wishing to subsidise you, or curtail their plans to fit with your budget, (rather than theirs.) have chosen not to invite you to avoid rubbing your nose in it... Or perhaps three's a crowd?

Friendships evolve, and people drift apart. Perhaps for whatever reason you're just not that close anymore. Who is the person making plans, and initiating calls / texts / email contact and suggesting meeting up? Is it you? Them? Or about 50/50? 

From personal experience: A few years ago I realised that I was the person making all the arrangements to see certain people who I thought I was close to. One day I stopped messaging them, and they didn't get in touch.

After several months it was clear that we were no longer "friends" so I unlinked from them on social media, deleted their contact details and blocked their numbers... And got on with my life.

1813

Thank you for commenting

Debbie9009

OP, I was the friend with the special birthday in this situation earlier this year, so I’ll give you my side on why I did what I did, I know your situation won’t be the same, but maybe it will give you some insite, and I’m not saying that you have behaved the same as my friend did, I’m just attempting to give you some insite.  

In my case the friend had been a little difficult for a few months, being nasty when I suggested she could visit me (I always travelled to see her which was costing me a lot in petrol money) she told me she couldn’t afford the petrol money to visit me and because of a long term illness couldn’t drive that far, I have the same illness.  I had a big Birthday earlier this year, and had been asked my various family members and friends to do things to celebrate with them, which was lovley.  I did think of asking the difficult friend along to one of these things as well, but didn’t for two reasons it involved travelling something she said she couldn’t do, and wasn’t cheap, she had constantly been complaining about not ever having enough money.  I felt she would just turn nasty again so decided against it, and then got yet another nasty message from her for not inviting her,  I explained why, and just got back well it was a special birthday I would have made an effort.  So I suggested we go somewhere nice for lunch, her choice of place, when her funds allowed, she seemed happy with this, and then just a few months later fell out with me completely.

I’m not suggesting that you are difficult or nasty, but you have said you might not have funds for one of these things they suggested, so maybe like me they thought it best not to suggest other things, I suspect they are not rubbing your face in it by talking about their trip to London, but rather don’t think this is an issue so feel free to talk about it in front of you.  If they are good friends in all other respects then it’s probably worth not dwelling on this.

DullGreyGuy

1813 said:
My two close mates are having their 40th and going to London, staying near their supported football club and doing things like going to shows etc. 

One of them said we could see Gladiator on my birthday but my money is low so I said it’d depend on finances and the other mate said we could meet up on my birthday. 

So your birthday is coincidently close to two friend's? Are they the same date or different dates? What's the spread of the three?

Are you annoyed that they didnt invite you to London for their do?
That your Birthday wasnt wrapped in with theirs? 


It's difficult... you've said you cannot afford £20 to go to the cinema but they could be spending £500+ each on their planned events. Is it better to invite you so you feel included but then you have to claim poverty and so decline? That they curtail their plans so it's affordable for you to join but their birthdays become a damp squib? That they fund you to go to their party? Or dont invite you to save you from the embarrassment of having to say you can't afford it?


There is no right or wrong answer. The fact they have spoken to you about your own, presumably not landmark, birthday clearly shows they're still they're caring and so its doesn't feel 100% negative. 

1813

Thank you for the comments it’s much appreciated.

1813

I went out with them tonight on their birthday for a meal which I could afford so I’m going to just leave it and see what happens. For now, I’m going to concentrate on Christmas and new year.