Mental Health, Debt and Neurodiversity

SuperShaun

Hello there folks,

Third attempt at writing this... hopefully this will make sense to someone somewhere!

I am 44, recently diagnosed as autistic and need some guidance on staying on the straight and narrow and was wondering how other people managed it?

It has dawned on me following chats with my counsellor, StepChange and my bank that the issue I have socialising too much: mainly I have fallen into a pattern since my 20s, mainly to stave off loneliness. 

Between a failed marriage and a want for company, I have unwittingly fallen into a routine whereby I have no overall direction in life. I meet up with friends and have accrued debt to make this happen by endlessly shuffling around credit cards and taking out loans.

My overall debt is down £6k from this time last year (from £24k to £18k) and I want to accelerate repayment as I am fed of it hanging round like a bad smell - it nibbles away at my self worth and of late I don't really enjoy going out and about as the debt weighs heavy on my mind, and the thought of having tough conversations (saying 'no' to a lot of things) is making me very anxious about the future. I feel I need to practice socialising but it does not come at all easily to me.

The way my mind works is that until the debt is gone, it is not possible to have any goals in life as at some point, a lot of them require money to achieve. This is obviously unhelpful, and wondered if anyone has ended up in the same unhelpful mental loop and how they broke it?

At the moment I am leaning to just cutting myself off as much as possible from my friends for a year but do not feel that particularly healthy either, but I feel stuck as to how to deal with this.

elsien

You don't need to cut yourself off from your friends.
What you can do is explain to them that you can't afford to do all the things that you were doing and need to find cheaper alternatives. If they are true friends they will understand.
So instead of a night in a pub go round each others houses, take some cans or whatever you drink and do something you enjoy at home instead. 
What sort of things would you normally do with friends that is running up the debt.
How much money does your budget have each month for socialising?

I also think you need to stop beating yourself up about your debt and give yourself credit for the huge step you have taken in getting it down to more manageable proportions.

SuperShaun

Thank you: I have to travel to see friends as I do not really have that many in this town. There is some going to the pub but not all tje time (not at those prices anyway!!), usually the costs associated with travelling such as food and sometimes hotels.

Last year I went on holiday to Germany on my own which was done by borrowing.

As I type this out the more daft this sounds.

FluffyBabyPenguin

Do you attend church, or would you consider doing so? I've been going since last year and it's done a lot for my sense of purpose and direction. I've met a lot of new people and there are regular opportunities for meeting up and doing things, and feeding the soul.

Volunteering can be a great use of your time too. Contact a volunteering agency,  or consider what you can offer to local people or community groups. At this time of year, many places appreciate an extra pair of hands in tidying up outdoor areas before winter. Or perhaps your career skills may be useful. Serving others is an excellent goal/mission in life, and doesn't necessarily have to cost much.

I think you've done really well to make that amount of progress in one year. Your life is only on hold if you act as if it is. Consider these years an opportunity to do things you wouldn't have done, if you'd had money to fritter away!

fatbelly

I agree with the above about volunteer work, but not sure whether that would fit in with you. Do you have a paid job? Is it full time?

I know people whose lives have become much more fun since volunteering at: a community cafe, a foodbank, citizens advice, a charity shop. 

As for the debts, clearing 6k in a year is a massive achievement so the advice is probably to keep on doing what you are doing. If you would like us to go into more detail, please post a statement of affairs

https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php

SuperShaun

Thank you folks for your suggestions - I work full time and am looking at volunteering roles at the local Arts Centre (pulling pints) or at a preserved railway.

Finding the adjustment hard and have (on occasion) taken myself out to the pub for the just the one.

I have postponed a holiday until next year and now have little in my calendar. Going to try and start a reading habit too.

It is going to be a long six months. Will keep this as a diary as best I can.

RAS

Do you have a local library or free library? Useful for borrowing books, maybe internet access, jigsaws and a bit of conversation.

Our library also acts as a warm hub, grab a cuppa, bag a book or two and find a seat.

As an alternative consider borrowing a dog? Maybe volunteer taking mutts for walkies? Get's you out and folk love talking to mutts, and their walkers.

elsien

I’m going to recommend local walking groups.
I belong to a couple which are very welcoming to new people, and  you can amble along talking to different people if you want to. I go to them because I’d get lost  if I tried anything on my own and also for a bit of company. 
The ones I belong to are free and one group also do  what they call well-being walks. Which is basically just people who were struggling a bit and want to get out of the house with a bit of moral support. 

That may be harder for you because of your neuro diversity, but it’s still worth a try if it’s something you’re interested in. 

You don’t have to spend the whole walk talking to people if you don’t want to.