Divorce - main earner, main parent - how do we cater for other parent's housing needs?

elsien

theoretica said:

eskimalita7 said:

He has indefinite leave to remain so no recourse to public funds. He was not born here.

There may be different situations, but at least some people with indefinite leave to remain can get benefits.

This is true. List in here. 
What does having indefinite leave to remain mean? (iasservices.org.uk)

gwynlas

instead of divorce could you live seperately in the same house ie just a more formal arrangement of what you appear to be doing anyway?
He would continue to be on hand for the children and you could continue as you are.
Once the children no loonger need you to be there for them you could divorce and sell family home.
Given you appear  to dismiss him and his apparently limitied abilities what drove you to marry him initially?

theoretica

gwynlas said:

instead of divorce could you live seperately in the same house ie just a more formal arrangement of what you appear to be doing anyway?
He would continue to be on hand for the children and you could continue as you are.
Once the children no loonger need you to be there for them you could divorce and sell family home.
Given you appear  to dismiss him and his apparently limitied abilities what drove you to marry him initially?

If the net worth of the couple increases over time, delaying the divorce could be financially disadvantageous, as it would be splitting a larger pot.  Something that needs to be taken into account when delaying financial settlements.

elsien

gwynlas said:

instead of divorce could you live seperately in the same house ie just a more formal arrangement of what you appear to be doing anyway?
He would continue to be on hand for the children and you could continue as you are.
Once the children no loonger need you to be there for them you could divorce and sell family home.
Given you appear  to dismiss him and his apparently limitied abilities what drove you to marry him initially?

Did you read the bit in the first post around the aggression and emotional abuse?

Yes this is only one side of the story but suggesting that someone stays in a domestic violence situation for however many years ahead is really not helpful. 

badmemory

If one parent is abusive it teaches all the children that to abuse is just fine or to be the one abused is fine depending on the sex of the abuser & that of the child.  Or alternatively that they will not enter into any relationship in case they become either the abused or the abuser.

swingaloo

badmemory said:

If one parent is abusive it teaches all the children that to abuse is just fine or to be the one abused is fine depending on the sex of the abuser & that of the child.  Or alternatively that they will not enter into any relationship in case they become either the abused or the abuser.

That's very true but we need to bear in mind that we are only hearing one side here.

The husband has been able to hold down a job throughout the married life, drives and is capable of taking himself off abroad yet he is not deemed capable of anything at home other than washing up! 

They have a child who is now 15 and another 14 and he is such a rotten husband that they had anther 7 years later.

Quite possibly there could be a husband who says-
My wife puts me down constantly, says I am useless at everything, controls everything we do she says I am not capable of doing anything, reminds me constantly that everything we have is hers and that she feels I have had a good life thanks to her and wonders why I get depressed and angry by being belittled every day of my life. 

Seems to me there is an element of abuse on both sides in this relationship.

badmemory

We only ever hear one side.  I hope that some of the things said make the one posting think about what is important.  It is all we can do.  May make someone think is this something I want my children to see or maybe I am overstating this.

Grannydebt

I was in a similar position to you when I divorced. My ex-husband was abusive, did nothing around the house or with the children and could not hold down a job due to conflicts with managers and colleagues.  I decided on a clean break to escape his shenanigans. We sold the house and split the equity 50/50. With my share and a large mortgage, I could afford a smaller home in a not so nice area for myself and the children.  He could not afford a mortgage so he initially used his share of the equity to rent a two bedroom home. In that way, the children could take it in turns to visit him. I paid him a lump sum to compensate for his poorer pension.  He was supposed to contribute towards the children's expenses but never did. I didn't chase him because I could not face his temper tantrums. 

At the time it was terribly painful and seemed horribly unfair. He took an expensive holiday while I was struggling to buy school uniforms. He spent on the most ridiculous things like a pair of antique pistols. At one stage I used Duck Tape on the sole of my shoe to cover a hole.  When I felt self pity I remembered that I had chosen him and also chosen to have children with him.  Eventually, he ran up rent arrears had nothing to show from the equity and was renting a bedsit.

That was years ago and in hindsight, a clean break was the right thing to do. I'm sure if I had stayed in the home we both owned he would have been around continually demanding money. You obviously have the ability to work and save so you will be alright in the end.  If you have made up your mind it's best to get on with it as soon as possible. Good luck

VyEu

So much odd advice here. 
Starting point is 50/50 of all assets for a 15 year marriage. Factors deviating from that include earning capacity, income, age and the needs of any minor children. There's 300k net equity in the house but what about anything else? Bank accounts, savings, pensions?

If your primary carer your housing need is enough for you plus the kids until they reach their majority. His is a one bed unless the kids want to stay overnight with him/once you split it's going to be 50/50 re childcare.

Without having any idea of what assets are otherwise in the marriage it's impossible to give any sort of guidance or idea. Also depends on where you live, a 3 bed up north is a lot cheaper than one down in London for example.