Divorce - main earner, main parent - how do we cater for other parent's housing needs?

eskimalita7

LightFlare said:

eskimalita7 said:

Thanks Hoenir for the info.

"Many fathers are unable to have their children staying over. That's just an unfortunate fact of life."
Just out of interest why do you think this is? Is it because children chose the mother, or because fathers are not up to scratch parenting-wise to have this set-up?

Usually because the mother gets to keep the house, the kids, half the assets plus receives maintenance leaving the dad with not a lot left to afford a place decent enough or with room enough to actually have the kids stay over

Well that’s the opposite of my situation so pretty irrelevant.

eskimalita7

elsien said:

I disagree with the comments that the wife gets the house and half the other assets, or that that the children get to stay in the house until they are adults to the detriment of the father. 

I know with more cases where the houses had to be sold than I do where the father lives in one room while the wife keeps everything. 

If your husband is never going be able to get a mortgage on his wages, then potentially he could rent a one bedroom place with his equity from the marriage, Depending on his wages and rents where you are, could he claim universal credit to cover the rest when that runs out?

Presumably he must have had some ability to manage his own finances etc before he met you? 

He has indefinite leave to remain so no recourse to public funds. He was not born here.
When we met he was in a lot of debt overseas in a commonwealth country. Bank Loans and one store card. I paid it off so we could get married here. He just ignored the repayment letter when he had no money in his account.
he worked a manual labour job and rented a room in a student house - bills included. He lived hand to mouth.
frittering money away in rent makes me feel sick. I just want my kids to inherit everything I’ve worked so hard for. I couldn’t afford to buy him out. My salary covers everything the family needs and I need to start thinking about the credit card debt. Moving further out from where we live and the kids having to make new friends at new schools just seems so unfair to them.
if he got a lump sum he wouldn’t save it to pay for monthly rent. He’d take a holiday to his home country and blow it all. He has severe ADHD and no ability to learn from mistakes or plan for the future. His brain exists in the present. The future and long term exist only as places that allow him to live in a fantasy world say things like “I’ll start saving after Christmas. I’ll get a better job when the summer is over.”

swingaloo

The point is that you married him and did all that you did to help with his situation out of choice. Now you want out of the marriage and so there are consequences for all of you. You will all have to adapt to the changes but this does not mean that you carry on as usual while he sits in a room in a shared house.

He is entitled to his share of the equity after a long marriage just as you would be should the situation be reversed.
You need to get out of the mindset that because you have worked hard the house is yours and for your children to inherit.
You cannot prioritise keeping everything ringfenced for your children at the expense of your husband. You loved him enough to marry him and have 3 children over a period of years so you cannot just cast him aside with nothing now. 

You say frittering away money on rent makes you feel sick but that is what he will be faced with. Your expectation that 
you can carry on as you aware is not realistic. When a marriage breaks down both partners need to realise that there will now be changes to lifestyle and 2 households to run will always be more expensive than one.

You say 'My salary covers everything the family needs' but your husband if also family. 
When a couple with children divorce it is unfair to the children in many ways as they are affected by the changes and its up to both parents to minimise the impact on them.  But you are making the choice to divorce and so if they have to move house/make new friends/ go to new schools because of this choice then that is a result of that choice. 
 

You husband is clearly in need of support and help with his condition and I can understand why you feel it has all got too much for you but he has been your husband for 15 years and you cannot just expect him to go with nothing.

If you plan to divorce then no solicitor or court would allow this anyway.

badmemory

At least he can't do what many men do & stop paying the mortgage so you have no choice what to do.

Hoenir

badmemory said:

At least he can't do what many men do & stop paying the mortgage so you have no choice what to do.

The other party may well have to pay child maintenance while funding their own accomodation. Being asked to pay the mortgage on top simply isn't financially viable in many cases. As was said earlier. Running two households while maintaining the status quo is a pipe dream. Not just the relationship that breaks. 

badmemory

In fact if he has somewhere they can stay with him HE could be demanding maintenance.

elsien

badmemory said:

In fact if he has somewhere they can stay with him HE could be demanding maintenance.

As the main costs lie with the primary carer, I would suggest that would depend on how many nights a week the children will be staying with him over a 12 month period, and is not a very likely scenario unless they are getting into 50/50 care scenarios which based on the information provided so far seems to be not something under consideration at present. 

Hoenir

Engaging a well respected family law solicitor would be a base point. 

itsthelittlethings

If he is emotionally abusive perhaps a conversation with Women’s Aid will help to sort out some of your thoughts about the matter and help you to make a plan for leaving.

theoretica

eskimalita7 said:

He has indefinite leave to remain so no recourse to public funds. He was not born here.

There may be different situations, but at least some people with indefinite leave to remain can get benefits.