Divorce - main earner, main parent - how do we cater for other parent's housing needs?

eskimalita7

Hi
Brief version:
Wife: main earner, main parent, put in all the planning and effort since 1997 to afford house etc
Husband: low-skilled, no prospects to earn more, unable to maintain a household due to poor executive functioning, but good at driving kids to sport.
Married 15 years, 3 kids under 16. Emotional abuse and anger from husband means home life no longer possible. Kids happy to see dad any time but want to stay living with mum in family home.
Question: How do we split finances? How important are the husband's housing needs?

Its hard to find anyone in a similar position. Most divorce forums I have found are centred around high earner husbands where the wife has put her career on hold to bring up children.

Long version:
I am both the high earner and the main parent.
I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 kids ages 7, 14 and 15.
My husband is a low earner and always will be. He has not been able to further his career due to severe ADHD, despite lots of opportunities etc - he doesn't have the brain structure to learn new skills. He is not officially diagnosed in the UK. He has always had the opportunity to work and he has never had to take time off to parent.
I have always worked full time and looked after the kids with the help of my family. He has done the basics such as washing up and driving the kids to sporting activities, but he doesn't do anything else in the household simply because he can't. His admin skills are so poor he doesn't even know how to use a banking app. He doesn't understand insurance, for example, so would simply not buy it if this was given to him as a task. He cannot tidy up because he can't remember household systems, or doesn't have the patience to sort things before finding the right drawer.
His aggression and emotional abuse are unbearable and I want a divorce. He comes from a childhood of violence, aggression and neglect and he cannot get past this even with therapy. I can't stand by and try to help any longer as I am at breaking point.

We have a mortgage, based on my salary, but in both our names. The deposit on our house came from the sale of a flat solely in my name. 500K deposit, 200K mortgage.
He has had equal access to any disposable income, but doesn't understand how much that is each month as he isn't interested in any visibility of our finances. He has had a good life and has done many things that he dreamed-of (followed his team to the World Cup, travelled, seen his children excel at sport). We have some credit card debt (on 24 month no-interest cards) where he is a secondary cardholder, but the main applicant is me. Most of the debt is from holidays to his home country.

I no longer want to maintain his lifestyle and I do not want to be financially responsible for him any more. He prioritises his needs, and I feel like the only thing I do is work, maintain the household, do all the mental load, all the admin, clean and look after the kids (homework, when they're sick, making sure they have what they need). I do not get to spend money as I never have the time to plan anything or go anywhere! When I am budgeting the easiest thing to cut back on is anything that I want or need. It is impossible to balance responsibility because there are so many things he can't do. He was not born here but he does have IDR. He has no family where he can temporarily live in the UK.
The children would be happy to see him, and I am happy with any arrangement he wants for seeing the children, but the children want to stay in our family home with me. I have worked so hard all my life to afford this home (careful saving and money management since I was a student in 1997 is what has got us step by step to our current home).
I cannot afford to give him any money. We have no luxury outgoings - my salary covers what the family needs. Our main outgoings: Petrol, basic but healthy food-shopping, kids sporting fees and clothes etc. school trips, one family holiday. With very careful budgeting I can pay off the credit card debt over 24 months before incurring interest.
Where on earth do we start? On his minimum wage earnings, he could afford to rent a single room in a house share, but nothing more than this. I would ask nothing of him, and be responsible for all debt. I just want a split where I am not financially responsible for him any longer. Selling the family home so his housing needs are met would mean moving far far out of where we live, where the children would be far from friends and need to move schools. Surely his needs cannot trump the stability of the children?
I have no idea how he sees the children if he lives in one room in a house share with random people, other than for me to leave the family home and stay with my mum or brother for the night when he wants to see the children overnight at the family home.
Please, is there anyone else in a similar situation? I feel like the only wife who is the main earner and has all the responsibility.

LightFlare

eskimalita7 said:

Hi
Brief version:
Wife: main earner, main parent, put in all the planning and effort since 1997 to afford house etc
Husband: low-skilled, no prospects to earn more, unable to maintain a household due to poor executive functioning, but good at driving kids to sport.
Married 15 years, 3 kids under 16. Emotional abuse and anger from husband means home life no longer possible. Kids happy to see dad any time but want to stay living with mum in family home.
Question: How do we split finances? How important are the husband's housing needs?

Its hard to find anyone in a similar position. Most divorce forums I have found are centred around high earner husbands where the wife has put her career on hold to bring up children.

Long version:
I am both the high earner and the main parent.
I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 kids ages 7, 14 and 15.
My husband is a low earner and always will be. He has not been able to further his career due to severe ADHD, despite lots of opportunities etc - he doesn't have the brain structure to learn new skills. He is not officially diagnosed in the UK. He has always had the opportunity to work and he has never had to take time off to parent.
I have always worked full time and looked after the kids with the help of my family. He has done the basics such as washing up and driving the kids to sporting activities, but he doesn't do anything else in the household simply because he can't. His admin skills are so poor he doesn't even know how to use a banking app. He doesn't understand insurance, for example, so would simply not buy it if this was given to him as a task. He cannot tidy up because he can't remember household systems, or doesn't have the patience to sort things before finding the right drawer.
His aggression and emotional abuse are unbearable and I want a divorce. He comes from a childhood of violence, aggression and neglect and he cannot get past this even with therapy. I can't stand by and try to help any longer as I am at breaking point.

We have a mortgage, based on my salary, but in both our names. The deposit on our house came from the sale of a flat solely in my name. 500K deposit, 200K mortgage.
He has had equal access to any disposable income, but doesn't understand how much that is each month as he isn't interested in any visibility of our finances. He has had a good life and has done many things that he dreamed-of (followed his team to the World Cup, travelled, seen his children excel at sport). We have some credit card debt (on 24 month no-interest cards) where he is a secondary cardholder, but the main applicant is me. Most of the debt is from holidays to his home country.

I no longer want to maintain his lifestyle and I do not want to be financially responsible for him any more. He prioritises his needs, and I feel like the only thing I do is work, maintain the household, do all the mental load, all the admin, clean and look after the kids (homework, when they're sick, making sure they have what they need). I do not get to spend money as I never the time to plan anything or go anywhere! It is impossible to balance responsibility because there are so many things he can't do. He was not born here but he does have IDR. He has no family where he can temporarily live in the UK.
The children would be happy to see him, and I am happy with any arrangement he wants for seeing the children, but the children want to stay in our family home with me. I have worked so hard all my life to afford this home (careful saving and money management since I was a student in 1997 is what has got us step by step to our current home).
I cannot afford to give him any money. We have no luxury outgoings - my salary covers what the family needs. Our main outgoings: Petrol, basic but healthy food-shopping, kids sporting fees and clothes etc. school trips, one family holiday. With very careful budgeting I can pay off the credit card debt over 24 months before incurring interest.
Where on earth do we start? On his minimum wage earnings, he could afford to rent a single room in a house share, but nothing more than this. I would ask nothing of him, and be responsible for all debt. I just want a split where I am not financially responsible for him any longer. Selling the family home so his housing needs are met would mean moving far far out of where we live, where the children would be far from friends and need to move schools. Surely his needs cannot trump the stability of the children?
I have no idea how he sees the children if he lives in one room in a house share with random people, other than for me to leave the family home and stay with my mum or brother for the night when he wants to see the children overnight at the family home.
Please, is there anyone else in a similar situation? I feel like the only wife who is the main earner and has all the responsibility.

the answer is the same - the gender is irrelvant.

starting point will be 50/50 split of ALL assets including pension

eskimalita7

Thanks Light Flare, I understand this is the starting point. I am looking for people who have had a similar situation to me in order gauge how far the 50/50 moves:
He is not asking for any parental responsibility
Children want to stay in the family home. They don't want to move to a new area (which is what would we would have to do in order to start at 50/50)
Emotional abuse

Hoenir

Short answer. The Court assumes guardianship of the children and accordingly will put their welfare first. Remaining in the family home is extremely likely. Financially any settlement is deferred. Once the children are adults. Then you ex receives his final share of the joint assets. 

Many fathers are unable to have their children staying over. That's just an unfortunate fact of life. 

eskimalita7

Thanks Hoenir for the info.

"Many fathers are unable to have their children staying over. That's just an unfortunate fact of life."
Just out of interest why do you think this is? Is it because children chose the mother, or because fathers are not up to scratch parenting-wise to have this set-up?

strawb_shortcake

eskimalita7 said:

Thanks Hoenir for the info.

"Many fathers are unable to have their children staying over. That's just an unfortunate fact of life."
Just out of interest why do you think this is? Is it because children chose the mother, or because fathers are not up to scratch parenting-wise to have this set-up?

I'd imagine it's due to the limited housing situation they find themselves in. 
If your husband is as bad as he says is there any additional financial help he can get? Most Dad's are pretty capable and have children that want to spend time with them.

I am also similar to yourself in being the main earner, my husband will never work full time so extremely unlikely to ever be a high earner. In the event we were to separate I would have to share our equity, savings and my pension as this is the right and just thing to do. 

Whilst you have alleged emotional abuse, is it possible that any attempts to cut him off financially could be seen as financial abuse moreso due to his challenges you've listed above.

Is it also possible that your husband may well be able to do more when he has no one else to do so for him? I only mention as I have a cousin with quite severe learning difficulties but it's independent living that has really enabled her to work out and demonstrate what she really is capable of, and it's a lot more without her Mum hovering over her!

badmemory

Whilst it may cost you now, the sooner you do it the sooner you will be able to repair your own future situation.  The longer you leave it the harder that repair will be.

LightFlare

eskimalita7 said:

Thanks Hoenir for the info.

"Many fathers are unable to have their children staying over. That's just an unfortunate fact of life."
Just out of interest why do you think this is? Is it because children chose the mother, or because fathers are not up to scratch parenting-wise to have this set-up?

Usually because the mother gets to keep the house, the kids, half the assets plus receives maintenance leaving the dad with not a lot left to afford a place decent enough or with room enough to actually have the kids stay over

swingaloo

eskimalita7 said:

Hi
Brief version:
Wife: main earner, main parent, put in all the planning and effort since 1997 to afford house etc
Husband: low-skilled, no prospects to earn more, unable to maintain a household due to poor executive functioning, but good at driving kids to sport.
Married 15 years, 3 kids under 16. Emotional abuse and anger from husband means home life no longer possible. Kids happy to see dad any time but want to stay living with mum in family home.
Question: How do we split finances? How important are the husband's housing needs?

Its hard to find anyone in a similar position. Most divorce forums I have found are centred around high earner husbands where the wife has put her career on hold to bring up children.

Long version:
I am both the high earner and the main parent.
I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 kids ages 7, 14 and 15.
My husband is a low earner and always will be. He has not been able to further his career due to severe ADHD, despite lots of opportunities etc - he doesn't have the brain structure to learn new skills. He is not officially diagnosed in the UK. He has always had the opportunity to work and he has never had to take time off to parent.
I have always worked full time and looked after the kids with the help of my family. He has done the basics such as washing up and driving the kids to sporting activities, but he doesn't do anything else in the household simply because he can't. His admin skills are so poor he doesn't even know how to use a banking app. He doesn't understand insurance, for example, so would simply not buy it if this was given to him as a task. He cannot tidy up because he can't remember household systems, or doesn't have the patience to sort things before finding the right drawer.
His aggression and emotional abuse are unbearable and I want a divorce. He comes from a childhood of violence, aggression and neglect and he cannot get past this even with therapy. I can't stand by and try to help any longer as I am at breaking point.

We have a mortgage, based on my salary, but in both our names. The deposit on our house came from the sale of a flat solely in my name. 500K deposit, 200K mortgage.
He has had equal access to any disposable income, but doesn't understand how much that is each month as he isn't interested in any visibility of our finances. He has had a good life and has done many things that he dreamed-of (followed his team to the World Cup, travelled, seen his children excel at sport). We have some credit card debt (on 24 month no-interest cards) where he is a secondary cardholder, but the main applicant is me. Most of the debt is from holidays to his home country.

I no longer want to maintain his lifestyle and I do not want to be financially responsible for him any more. He prioritises his needs, and I feel like the only thing I do is work, maintain the household, do all the mental load, all the admin, clean and look after the kids (homework, when they're sick, making sure they have what they need). I do not get to spend money as I never have the time to plan anything or go anywhere! When I am budgeting the easiest thing to cut back on is anything that I want or need. It is impossible to balance responsibility because there are so many things he can't do. He was not born here but he does have IDR. He has no family where he can temporarily live in the UK.
The children would be happy to see him, and I am happy with any arrangement he wants for seeing the children, but the children want to stay in our family home with me. I have worked so hard all my life to afford this home (careful saving and money management since I was a student in 1997 is what has got us step by step to our current home).
I cannot afford to give him any money. We have no luxury outgoings - my salary covers what the family needs. Our main outgoings: Petrol, basic but healthy food-shopping, kids sporting fees and clothes etc. school trips, one family holiday. With very careful budgeting I can pay off the credit card debt over 24 months before incurring interest.
Where on earth do we start? On his minimum wage earnings, he could afford to rent a single room in a house share, but nothing more than this. I would ask nothing of him, and be responsible for all debt. I just want a split where I am not financially responsible for him any longer. Selling the family home so his housing needs are met would mean moving far far out of where we live, where the children would be far from friends and need to move schools. Surely his needs cannot trump the stability of the children?
I have no idea how he sees the children if he lives in one room in a house share with random people, other than for me to leave the family home and stay with my mum or brother for the night when he wants to see the children overnight at the family home.
Please, is there anyone else in a similar situation? I feel like the only wife who is the main earner and has all the responsibility.

It really doesnt work like that. After 15 years of marriage assets and pensions are split with a starting point of 50/50. 
You do talk as if you want him to walk away with nothing whilst you remain in the home with the children. 
All your needs are important, yours, your husbands and the childrens but do you really think he should be content to walk away with nothing and 'share a house with random people'? 
It much more complex than him leaving, you asking for nothing and him getting nothing.

badmemory

Often though the parent with care gets to remain in the house until the children no longer need that care.

elsien

I disagree with the comments that the wife gets the house and half the other assets, or that that the children get to stay in the house until they are adults to the detriment of the father. 

I know with more cases where the houses had to be sold than I do where the father lives in one room while the wife keeps everything. 

If your husband is never going be able to get a mortgage on his wages, then potentially he could rent a one bedroom place with his equity from the marriage, Depending on his wages and rents where you are, could he claim universal credit to cover the rest when that runs out?

Presumably he must have had some ability to manage his own finances etc before he met you?