HELP

RAS

If you want a heads up, there are some very generous mortgage advisors on the Mortgage subforum here. The sort of people who if you outline the mortgage situation might look at your provider's deals and let you know for which you might be eligible?

ManyWays

If you want a new fix, then a bank wont normally even bother to look at your credit record but when you are asking for anything different they normally will. There is normally no need to go into a bank if you just want a new fix. 

It will make no difference if you are in a DMP of a self-management set of payment arrangments; if the bank runs a credit check, either will show up as a major problem and likely rule out anything you are asking for (except a new fix).

It is much better to tell your partner about your situation now, rather than him find out from the bank! And if you didnt set up a DMP or payment arrangements you would likely have been rejected on affordability grounds.  

Rob5342

He will find out somehow, the only question is when. It's best to tell him now and deal with whatever that entails, then you can get on with sorting things out. This come up a lot here, and most of the time when people tell their partners it's not as actually as bad as they had feared. 

If you are staying with your current provider then changing to a new mortgage deal is easy, you just log onto your Internet banking or banking app and see what deals they have. It takes a few minutes at most. 

EssexHebridean

I’m really keen not to try to second guess your situation, so instead I’ll give you some examples of situations in which people have been reluctant to tell partners before - and what was from my recollection said to them. I’ve not given outcomes too as we don’t always hear the end of the story - people often don’t return to tell us how things work out sadly, although in the vast majority of “I can’t tell them” cases things don’t go anywhere near as badly as people expect. It may be that none of these apply to you, in which case they may help others in similar situations. 

An OP was worried about telling her partner because “he’ll leave me” - we explained that if he subsequently found out by accident he would be far more angry, almost certainly, and asked whether if the situation was reversed and he sat down and told her that he was in debt, would her immediate reaction be to leave him? She agreed that it wouldn’t - and also saw the point that in that situation she would rather be told, than find out. 

An OP was reluctant to tell her partner because she was in a domestic violence situation - she didn’t want to leave him, but also was terrified to run the risk of angering him. The suggestion was made that if there was any possibility that he might find out accidentally It would be better to do it in a controlled way. It was also suggested that if she did decide to go ahead with telling him, she ought to get a trusted friend or relative to “sit in” to reduce the risk of any knee jerk reactions. Links were given to various organisations which might be able to help or provide support - Women's Aid, Refuge. 

An OP was concerned that their partner was in a poor state mentally, and might be too fragile to take the news of the debt. Again, we stressed that the risk of the partner finding out about it accidentally, and perhaps at a time when they were alone, could be more problematic. We also suggested that they took steps to ensure that the debt was being tackled by appropriate means, and to have everything set out clearly in terms of projections for paying off etc before they chose a good moment to sit down with the partner to go through things. 

One big reason why it’s important that both partners are aware of debts is that it makes it far easier to explain tightening of belts, cutting back on expenditure etc. Otherwise the risk is that spending goes on unchecked, and all the efforts of the one party to make savings are undone unwittingly by the other who doesn’t understand that there is a problem. 

Rob5342

I kept mine from my wife for years as I thought she would be very angry. When I eventually did tell her, rather than being angry she was more upset that I hadn't turned to her for help. It was a big shock for her and things were difficult between us for a while, but we started to work together to sort things out instead of me constantly having to try and cover things up. Like EssexHebredian mentions, I was in the situation where I was telling her it was ok to buy things to try and stop her finding out, and then secretly borrowing more to cover the spending which made things worse and worse. My only regret is not telling her earlier as if I had we could have sorted things out much earlier. 

curtain8765

Truly grateful for all these replies, I have taken in all the advise and acted on it. 

RAS

Well done. It's tough but helps protect your shared finances.

I recall explaining that if you are hiding something, your spouse might fear an affair rather than finances? At least one OP confirmed that 'fessing up, their partner was so relieved that it was the lesser of two situations. 

EssexHebridean

RAS - well remembered, I'd forgotten that one! 

OP - you know where we are if you need any further help or input. have a think about starting a Debt Free Diary as well - it can be a good place to talk things over with others who've been through similar situations and also to keep track of your progress.