Debt shame and guilt

rebeccaj93

Please no judgement! 

On Monday, after an absolutely horrific day of lies and panic attacks, I admitted to my husband that I have got a significantly higher amount of debt than what I had been telling him on credit cards.

I told my family and they were supportive and felt sad that I hadn't been able to share this with anyone the last year and had been holding it myself. I thought I'd have a sense of relief which I absolutely do, because now I'm getting help and have a proper realistic plan to get out of the mess which my husband is helping me with. He's still hurting and I've caused him so much mistrust in our relationship all because I didn't want to admit to myself or anyone what was happening. 

I have been put onto sertraline again which I came off at the start of thr year when I was in my "I got this" phase. And I have an appointment with staff psychology next week through work to help me work through why I had the behaviours I did during this last year because this is not me. But I can't sleep, I can't eat. I go to sleep ok and then wake several times with horrible dreams of me in different scenarios holding this secret or I just feel the shame through the dream if that makes sense. 

I feel worse now than I did when nobody knew. I wish I had never done it, I don't know how I have done this to my perfect family. I have a 3 year old daughter and I want her to have the mummy I was before this all started to consume me!

Advice and support from anyone who has been in similar situation 🙏. I know it will take time and I know I've done wrong.

SiliconChip

I've asked for your post to be moved to the Debt Free Wannabe board which is the best place for you to get support.

2021rdsunshine

Hi rebeccaj93 ! Give yourself some credit: you have a plan , you opened up about your debt with your husband and you are having medical help to deal with it. In my view you doing everything right! 

I remember well the feeling of fear and failure when I first realised that I wasn’t able to service my debts as I would have expected. I remember thinking everyone in the street knew about my mess just looking at my face. Then I found this forum and I read lots of posts of people in the same situation. I learned how to deal with it and I followed  advice here from some very knowledgeable contributors. I also learned that we are just a bunch of reference numbers for the credit industry and basically convinced myself that as long as all my priorities are paid for, creditors will have some payment as and when I can afford it. 

If you want some specific advice just ask questions on this forum and people will help. In the meantime enjoy your time with your little child because they grow up way too fast and she needs and wants you to be happy and healthy. As far as your husband is concerned, after the initial shock he will for sure be proud of you for having the courage to deal with it all.  

I wish you all the best 

tacpot12

You have taken the first and most important step - admitting that you have a problem. Many people don't even get that far! You are also in shock as a result of having to tell your husband and family the true situation. Just give it some time for your to adjust to the new reality. 

The vivid dreams might continue for a while, but I'm betting they will subside in intensity as you adjust to having admitted something that you regard as shameful. Many of us have been in the same position as you are, and each of us will have had a personalised reaction to our acceptance that things must change. Just accept that the dreams are part of the adjustment process and go back to sleep.  

You sound relatively young, you should be reasssured by the fact that your debt problems can be fixed, and while this will take some time, it will take less time than you think.

rebeccaj93

2021rdsunshine said:

Hi rebeccaj93 ! Give yourself some credit: you have a plan , you opened up about your debt with your husband and you are having medical help to deal with it. In my view you doing everything right! 

I remember well the feeling of fear and failure when I first realised that I wasn’t able to service my debts as I would have expected. I remember thinking everyone in the street knew about my mess just looking at my face. Then I found this forum and I read lots of posts of people in the same situation. I learned how to deal with it and I followed  advice here from some very knowledgeable contributors. I also learned that we are just a bunch of reference numbers for the credit industry and basically convinced myself that as long as all my priorities are paid for, creditors will have some payment as and when I can afford it. 

If you want some specific advice just ask questions on this forum and people will help. In the meantime enjoy your time with your little child because they grow up way too fast and she needs and wants you to be happy and healthy. As far as your husband is concerned, after the initial shock he will for sure be proud of you for having the courage to deal with it all.  

I wish you all the best 

Thank you for this. The day I told him, I stayed at my mums to give us both space and the next day, I came back to our home town and honestly felt like everyone knew. Was horrible! Trying to picture the day I will be debt free to keep me going ! Thank for taking the time to reply

rebeccaj93

tacpot12 said:

You have taken the first and most important step - admitting that you have a problem. Many people don't even get that far! You are also in shock as a result of having to tell your husband and family the true situation. Just give it some time for your to adjust to the new reality. 

The vivid dreams might continue for a while, but I'm betting they will subside in intensity as you adjust to having admitted something that you regard as shameful. Many of us have been in the same position as you are, and each of us will have had a personalised reaction to our acceptance that things must change. Just accept that the dreams are part of the adjustment process and go back to sleep.  

You sound relatively young, you should be reasssured by the fact that your debt problems can be fixed, and while this will take some time, it will take less time than you think.

Thank you. And for being honest that the dreams will likely continue. It definitely has been a shock. I had played it over in my head for months what would happen if he found out, that I then told myself "well he just can't find out" which then made it easy to convince myself it was under control pr at least would all be OK one day.  

Thanks for taking the time to reply

Sly72

Due to your meds i would follow @ sourcrates advice below

We have had a few posters with medical conditions and little income, but massive debts, post on the forum in recent months, they were advised to apply for write offs, they were sceptical at first, but all have had major success so far.

You need to be 100% clear what you are asking for, 100% of the debt written off, no half way house, its all or nothing.

It will be quite a personal thing for most people, there will be template letters out there, but its best to write it yourself, you detail why you can`t work, what is wrong with you medically, how it affects you, and how your income has fallen because of it.

You go on to say your situation is unlikely to improve and so will you please consider making a commercial decision and writing off the balance I owe you as you will never be able to repay what you owe.

You may have to provide medical evidence, etc, when your asking for a debt to be written off, this is to be expected.

See how you get on, it may not happen all at once, it can take time.

National Debtline do a template letter here:

Write off the debt | Sample letter | National Debtline

you can edit that to your own circumstances.

Andyjflet

Just wanted to add my support, for me I was ashamed I was in debt, professional man, good job and everyone around me seemed to be doing so well in life, while I rented a room in someone else's house. I had gone from the perfect family to divorce and then to having nothing, literally nothing, But I'm proud of myself now I've come a long way in 10 years.
What helped was having a plan, mine was the Dave Ramsey steps, something concrete to follow and work towards. Having a plan gave me new perspective and drive and stopped the stomach churning sick feeling when I awoke. 

Get yourself a plan, any plan, you can always fine tune in and get cracking, good luck. 

sourcrates

Its only money Rebecca, money they never really had in the first place.

They created it from thin air and digitally stored it on your credit card accounts.

You will have repaid the debt many times over in the interest you have paid, your not the first, you won`t be the last to fall off the wagon, no shame or judgement here, you are just a victim of the system, there is always a way forward, its just deciding what`s best for you, that`s all.