Emergency Help needed asap Please

stu12345_2

I'm not sure if this belongs on this forum or 2 forums as  I need help asap.

as you may know myself and wife run our own dmps and thought all was ok 

this week is the most emotionally draining time of my life , I am struggling to type this.

I went shopping with wife today, she said can we pay cash,  not debit card, I wondered why, we have a tin at home, our fund for rainy days.

I then got home and  I said please transfer money to my bank to pay rent, we go 50 50.

wife said no, I asked why. she said she has been an idiot and deceived me and deceived herself.

she has been having an online "romantic" affair,  for a year in Google chat, she only knows his name and is from the USA , he says he loves her, she wrote to him saying she doesn't love him, but loves me, they have never even sent pics or full names !

she said he was part of a game forum building castles and strategies, then it only was him and her left on the chat, then the game conversation stopped. and got personal .
her mobile pinged constantly, she said to me  it was game players building castles etc. I thought ok , cos I know nothing about online game role playing chatrooms.

she bought 2 apple gift cards of £250 each and sent him the codes via pics in Google chat. for him as he said he had no internet.

I thought she was being nice as she said walked to Tesco to get my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic  and type 2 diabetic, without  me, but she also bought the cards on secret!

she also sent him the codes whilst she was in shower as to hide and do it again in secret 

she said she didn't want me to find out and was trying to wait till her new wages come in next month to balance the budget and realise she was conned by a trickster and then sort out her emotions towards life and towards me .

the dmp for last 2 years has depressed her and her job she hated, we worked  together for same employer, same job, for last 2 years.
she is on anti depressants for last 3 years.

I burst into tears. she called bank, RBS who said tough luck basically.

then they put  us through to action fraud who took lengthy details and a national fraud intelligence bureau ref number for the crime and they will investigate.

she has deleted all her Google chat history and the guy has disappeared from chat. we can't find him.

we called RBS bank back who then got more serious now with their scam dept and will report back in 15 days if they can help and it refund money.
my wife was basically emotionally tricked and lonely and depressed.

we called Tesco cos she bought the cards from store in 23 and 25 Jan, she has receipts with the apple codes.

Tesco said they will try block the cards or see if they have been used and call us tonight.

RBS have also blocked my wife's debit card, and will send her another.
she now has 60 pence in bank.

we also spent almost the last of our emergency funds on putting our cat to sleep and cremation on Saturday,  watching the vet put the needle in, whilst our cat takes her last breath, is too much, she's been ill for weeks.

I can't believe my wife did this  for a year and blew money to this guy just before cat death and money needed for vet.

we also resigned from our jobs last month and got new jobs.

wife started hers this morning and this evening. I start mines on Thursday.

I'm a diabetic and not ate right for 3 days since cat death, now my wife has done this.

our emergency fund gone, and now rent money eaten into which is due.
we have standing orders for this month's dmp. we changed them to £1 only now.

the only money now we could get is a gift from my 87 year old mother, but I don't want to phone her and explain why we need the money,  Last week she offered to pay vet bills, I said no mum, we are ok with money and managing fine now,

I'm emotionally ruined , drained, worn out and so confused and upset.

not sure I can even handle my new job on Thursday with it's 12 hour shifts, this is all too much to deal with

tigergambit

OMG Stu, I really feel for both of you. These people really are the scum of the earth. 

lillypoo

Stu all I can say is I'm truly sorry this has happened to you. I hope that things quickly change for the better. 

stu12345_2

marriage ruined? death divorce changing jobs, debt, all at the same time.
we used to watch YouTube videos of scammers with guy called perrogi.
she knows how this scam work

I pick wife up from work soon, I'm crying whilst I type this, I've been crying for 3 days, now wife has done this to me.
she is begging for forgiveness, she said loneliness got to her and stress and depression 

I don't know what to do now. I have never felt this bad or so low 

tigergambit

stu12345_2 said:

marriage ruined? death divorce changing jobs, debt, all at the same time.
we used to watch YouTube videos of scammers with guy called perrogi.
she knows how this scam work

I pick wife up from work soon, I'm crying whilst I type this, I've been crying for 3 days, now wife has done this to me.
she is begging for forgiveness, she said loneliness got to her and stress and depression 

I don't know what to do now. I have never felt this bad or so low 

Hang in there, Stu.

Please be kind to your wife, don't do anything precipitous or say anything you can't take back.

Grief/loneliness/stress/depression is not a good combination and you are both in a bad place right now. Hold together.

TG

mr_stripey

Tough one mate, but tonight is not the night for rash decisions.

I've not followed your story but sounds like you've both been through a lot. I'm sure your wife is feeling pretty terrible about things.

There's a lot to unpick but don't go to war over it. It can be fixed, if that's what you both want. You will need some time to come to terms with things so allow yourself that. But it doesn't need to be all out war in the meantime.

RAS

Stu, gutted for you. And very difficult to give long-term advice without knowing more about the background to how both of you got into debt.

You may be feeling some very strong emotions at the moment and your wife may also, as she realises how's she been betrayed and betrayed. 

From a purely selfish point of view, don't do anything precipitous. For example, as you rent, were you to leave you'd still be liable until the tenancy ended and your wife left. So don't do anything that puts you into further harms way financially.

That means somehow getting yourself to work on Thursday and doing your best. Do you have a mate IRL you can talk to? If not, maybe ring Samaritans; they don't just deal with people in absolute despair. They can't offer advice but they can hear you out whilst you sort out your feelings.

From a practical point of view, tell the wife that she needs to contact her family and ask for help with the rent. Based on your posts, you've been doing the heavy lifting financially for a while. I appreciate she's been depressed and it may be that she needs to talk to her MH support as well, so you don't have to handle her emotions as well as your own?

Hope you sleep tonight. 

stu12345_2

hello, thanks for all the lovely replies. i think the money has gone,Tesco still to reply. but they did say once the scammer gets the codes they redeem them instantly online 
 we spent hours last night going through bins to find the actual cards, not just the activation code,  but the letters on front of the card, which scammer needed and Tesco wanted these letters, we found one of them, gave it to Tesco helpline.

it was stressful as the bins had cat toys, cat food bowls that we binned, and we had to see them again, we await for the cats ashes to be returned soon in a little wooden casket.

it's really the bank and the police fraud dept that may help, but unlikely to get money back.

spoke to my elderly mother, she said do you want to divorce her, I said no, she said she can give me £200 in my bank today 

I'm so ashamed to ask her, she has her pension but is housebound for 2 years, she can't spend her pension on anything, she has Parkinson's disease too and gets council carers to feed her etc. she is hard to understand on phone, but she tries her best.

as for wife, she said she will never go on chatrooms ever again. our new jobs mean it's a month before we get paid and probably run 2 weeks wages only as it's 2' weeks in arrears before they give you a month wages, and it's our first months wage.

our final wage from old job was lower cos they said we took too many holidays as we worked in a school and got paid for Oct and Xmas break fully even though we hadn't accrued enough holiday hours.

still trying to rebuild trust with wife, sometimes Im not sure if what she says is the whole truth, I asked her what did you say to this guy, she said friendly chat for a year,  just bits and bobs, then he got personal, wife told me she told him to refrain from personal remarks he gave her,

but I'm not sure if she actually did. the hurt is when she knew our cat was dying and we had large vet bills, but she still gave him £500. and left herself with 60p in bank.

we rent council, on life time tenancy for last 11 years, we should be ok, how do you tell council no rent for a month cos my wife gave it all away to some scammer probably in Africa.

I also have years car insurance in one go and it will be taken from my bank in 3 weeks time,  I'm so worried it will be rejected and I will be driving without insurance, until our first new wages. 
I'm going to penny pinch to try and make sure it goes through ok.its £216

I think the fact we have been on a dmp for 2 years and it just leads to depression for both, I stayed strong with positive outlook. but it still got to us,  no fun time, no holidays, no romantic meals out.

then the constant feeling of being in debt and working so hard in jobs we hated to pay back debts that may take 6 years to pay. we are only in year 2. about to start year 3, thats why we had to desperately get new jobs, which we did.

you lose the spark you had when you were debt free.

we don't have any friends  here, it's always been me and her as a team, we not only live together  as man and wife, but we worked together in same job.

wife said we never got time apart, she never got to chat to other workmates, cos we had none, she had no friends out of work, she only had me and I only have her. I have no friends out of work. but I have one teacher at school who became a mate at school and wanted me to meet up, but I never did. I should have.

she has no parents alive they both died 5 years ago . I only have a mother alive. who lives Hundred of miles away.
she has  a. sister  hundreds of miles away she won't talk to now, as she gave her £100 at Xmas, where we couldn't afford to ,her sis has a great job, debt free. and her sis gave her nothing in return.

we gave each other nothing, we agreed  on a no spend Xmas, except a loving card each, as we couldn't afford to, and she gives her sis £100 behind my back.she sneaked off to a shop one day and bought a £100 Amazon voucher.

I have no family here either, it's just me and her against the world, we are meant to be a team , and best friends , not just husband and wife 

I won't be posting on any other threads cos I don't have the mental energy left to help or advice others at the moment, so if I go quiet, then you know I'm trying to sort out finances and relationship out.

Floss

Stu, please just give yourselves a little bit of time, this is all very raw for you. Trust takes time to rebuild, it doesn't happen overnight (been there myself). Please look after your health - you need to eat to manage your diabetes.

Can you speak to your insurers & ask if you can pay in 2 halves? Explain you've both just changed jobs & won't be paid for a month.

TheAble

You'll be able to pay that insurance monthly if you ask your insurer. It may cost a little more but it will help with your cashflow in the meantime.

You might want to consider taking over the essential bills yourself (eg rent, council tax) and give your wife the less essential. From your last post re. the amazon voucher it sounds like there's a bit of form there albeit in a different guise and you don't want to be in a situation where you're dependent on her for an essential payment that turns out not to be forthcoming.

Could you pay the council half rent i.e. your half still? It's better than nothing at all.

EssexHebridean

Step back, take a breath, and let the dust settle. You need to start eating properly to keep your blood sugar levels where they should be - although the "food is medicine" rhetoric is generally nonsense in your case it sort of is, and you have to focus on the right sort of food and eating your regular meals as this is vital for your health. That side of things you can control right now - so put the focus there. 

You need to start the new job as planned - so start prepping for that both mentally and physically in terms of getting together the things you need. If you need to delay payments the new job gives you the perfect reason to ask - you have an understandable gap in income. Contact the DMP provider (or are you self-managing? I can't recall) and let them know that you will not be making your next month's payment - you can give them the same reason. 

I'm sad to hear the news about the cat - it's so tough losing our little furry family members and you never quite stop spotting the holes they leave...they bring such joy but the trade off to that joy is that it is only for a short length of time - you gave the cat a wonderful life I'm sure, so you need to reflect on the good memories and be proud of yourselves for not only that wonderful life but also making the hardest decision - to end any risk of suffering - at the right time.

As for your wife - only you can make the decision around what you want to do on that one. Some folk can get past something like this, some can't. I would say that in her defence an awful lot of folk get taken in by these romantic scammers - it's not the domain of the stupid or anything like that - we all appreciate a bit of flattery and it's easy for that to spill over into appreciating it a bit too much and wanting it to continue - that's what these thieving locusts prey on. It would be wrong of us to make suggestions around your own personal relationship - and realistically only you can come to the conclusion on what you want to do anyway. From your wife's part, a stiff lesson has been learned - not only has she lost the money but I imagine she also now realises that all the things he said were simple grooming and nothing more. 

Again - stop, take a breath.